


Serving you

by Moonwolflove



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: F/M, Historical, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-04 16:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 47,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4145451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonwolflove/pseuds/Moonwolflove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You'd never thought you would end up in a palace...nor had you thought about spending your days being the servant of lord Beilschmidt. Life just got a lot more complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Part 1

1865, Berlin Royal Palace

It was easy to tell that you were nervous. Everyone could see it. 

You were fidgeting with your hair, wishing this to be over already. Why did your mom have to arrange this meeting? Why for God’s sake? You took a deep breath and said to yourself: “Because she wants you to have a decent life. You should be thankful, ______. “

Yes, you should be thankful. If it wasn’t for her, you would not have gotten this chance in the first place. You’d better try your best and make something of it. You reached out to the door to knock, biting your lip in hesitation. There was still time to back down…you could still turn around, leave this enormous, intimidating place and run back to where you came from. It would have been fairly easy to do and yet…you didn’t. 

You knocked. 

The sound was met with absolute silence. Was there someone in there at all? You tried a second time. This time…a little bit harder, a bit more…determined. You waited, starting to feel sick. Somewhere deep down, you hoped you were right about no-one being inside.

You hopes where crushed when you heard a firm voice on the other side. 

“Come in.” 

You swallowed, straightened your back and held your head up, just like your mom had told you to do. You had to make a good impression. You had to show that you wanted this job and that you were not to mess with. 

You walked in and closed the door behind you. The soft click reminded you of something…something vague… it reminded you of the bedtime stories your older brother used to tell you. About monsters and prisons and finding no way out…Not really the most reassuring things for a little child, but then again…you had asked him to tell those kind of things since you had never been fond of mealy fairy tales. They simply weren’t to your taste. 

You turned around, looking up at the high ceilings. The patterns and marble figures danced across the surface, illuminated by the morning sun, and casting the reflected light onto the ground, in a circle of beautiful colours. The amount of gold being included in that rich, exuberant decoration could only testify of the wealth of your beloved nation. It must have cost a fortune to decorate this place. 

Your eyes wandered from the ceiling to the other side of the room in admiration and it was only then that you noticed him. 

He was sitting behind a big, wooden desk, full of papers and additional things, with his head resting on his hand and his one leg crossed neatly over the other. His whole being was radiating such a composure and dignity that it seemed as if he was a part of the room itself. Or that the room was a part of him…an extension of his own personality. Did it resemble his very person? 

You let go of that thought and focussed on his figure. He was a rather slender man, yet well equipped with muscles, showing him to be in the prime of his life. His face was quite a surprise, as you had rarely seen a man with such beautiful features. A nicely carved jaw and nose, lips tinged with mischief, a complexion as light as snow and hair which seemed to be dipped in the silver rays of the moon. You were fascinated by the colour and it doubtlessly was the thing that struck you the most about him…it really was…until he opened his eyes. 

They were red, as red as the blood that flowed through your veins. You stared into them and he stared right back, not blinking once. Looking into those seas of red, you could only think of one thing. It was pounding in your heart, screaming throughout your mind, resonating through the whole of your body. It was the sound of your destiny. You could hear it move, slowly adjust to what was coming,…

You feared it and for that reason you feared him as well. Call it a stupid gut feeling…but it felt as if you had just sealed your fate. 

You tried to remain calm, to keep your dignity. He didn’t need to know that you feared him, nor that this weird feeling about him set you off. 

You regained your determination, which had been lost since you’d entered the castle, and stared back with the ferocity of a stray cat. 

A small smirk appeared at the corner of his mouth, not reaching the rest of his face. He lifted a hand and motioned for you to come closer. You did, albeit in a slow and careful manner. 

“Please, do sit down,” he said without looking away. 

You seated yourself in the chair that stood before the desk and folded your hands in your lap. 

He looked you up and down and said: “I assume you’re the girl Alsa told me about.” 

“Yes, my lord. I’m her daughter,” you responded, your voice as firm as possible. 

“Yes, that she mentioned,” he said with a smirk. 

And there you had made your first misstep. You felt your cheeks warming up under his gaze, wishing earth would just swallow you up already.  
Something in his eyes told you that he found it really amusing. He just wasn’t openly showing it. And you really didn’t know whether or not you had to be thankful for that. 

“I didn’t not catch your name though.” 

“_______, sir,” you said, your voice a lot less firm. 

“And how old are you, _______?” 

“Eighteen, sir.” 

He went back to just staring at you, which made you feel uncomfortable once again. 

“Eighteen is rather young, don’t you think? Why would you want this job? Don’t you want to go and find yourself a decent boyfriend instead?” 

Was he really mocking you now? 

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, I’m sure you heard me.” 

“Of course I did,” you said a bit harsh. The fear you had felt a moment ago vanished as frost under the morning sun and was replaced by a fit of anger. Just who the hell did he think he was? 

“It’s just that it didn’t sound as something a man of your position would say to a woman.” 

“Yes, perhaps it wasn’t that good an example. What I was trying to point out is that you’re young. Shouldn’t you…enjoy life a bit before binding yourself to a job?” 

“I’m sorry to say this sir, but you clearly don’t have the smallest idea what life is like when your family is poor.” 

He looked surprised…you had actually managed to surprise him by saying that. He leaned back in his chair and said: “I excepted quite a lot of things, but that I didn’t. Very well…if you are that determined, I won’t object to it in any way. You would fit in well…yes…quite well.”

“And…what exactly is the job?” 

Your question succeeded in making him laugh, a mocking and somewhat strange laugh. You decided that you didn’t like it. 

“So…you come here…applying for a job…of which you don’t know the conditions?” 

“My mom told me to apply, so it can’t be that horrible or bad, otherwise she would have never told me to do so.” 

He became silent, which felt as a victory to you. “Didn’t see that one coming, did you?” you thought with a bit of pride. 

He must have caught on to it though, for in his eyes you saw a glimpse of upcoming retaliation. As if he was promising to get to you as soon as he saw his chance. 

He leaned forward, while folding his hands under his chin. The movement made you think of a tiger lying down in the high grass, waiting to attack his unsuspecting prey. 

“Yes…I guess she wouldn’t,” he stated in agreement. “There’s one little point to discuss though. And since you don’t have a high opinion of me already I’m not sure if you’ll like it.” 

“Believe me, my lord. I have a low opinion of men in general. You’re not an exception.” That very moment you thought he was going to drive you out of the palace. Saying something like that to a man like him was not what someone of your position was supposed to do. There was no way you hadn’t offended him by saying that and yet he only tilted his head to the side and said: “Believe me, _____. You’ll find that I’m quite an exception.” 

“What do you mean by that?” You asked, unable to keep the suspicion out of your voice. The fact that he wasn’t angry only agitated you even more.  
“Do you know why I’m the one holding this conversation?” 

“No,” you stated bluntly. You didn’t like where this was going. 

A smirk appeared on his lips. “Then please…allow me to explain.” There it was…the retaliation. It was shining through the red of his eyes, mocking you and your pitiful pride. 

The little voice in the back of your head was screaming at you, reprimanding you for not being a bit more prudent. Why couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut in situations like these?

“You’re talking to me instead of the housekeeper, because this job relates to me. The fact is that once you’ve accepted it, you’ll be my subordinate. Not only mine, but my little brother’s as well. Wouldn’t it hurt your pride to carry out a job like that?” 

Now he was mocking you. It was clearly audible in his voice. 

“You mistake me for being prideful, my lord,” you said.

“No, I don’t,” he said, his voice a bit cooler than earlier. 

Okay, you did have your pride, but that didn’t necessarily make you prideful. 

“But then again, pride is not always a bad thing. What do you say, ______. Did I ruin your prospects of a job, or do you still want it?” 

Honestly, you didn’t really know whether you still wanted it or not. Your mind said that you had to do it. Not only to not fail your mom, but also to show him that he wasn’t going to undermine your determination. If there was one trait you did own, it was stubbornness. 

“I foresee a troubled relationship with my boss,” you said. “And although I hate troubled relationships…I won’t let this one get away. Even if you are determined to annoy the hell out of me.” 

“Who told you that I will?” 

“No-one, my lord. Just my own knowledge of human nature.” 

He let out another laugh and leaned back, watching you intensely. 

“I knew you wouldn’t back off,” he said with a tone of respect in his voice. “I prefer servants with an actual personality above those who slavishly follow the rule. That’s why I choose them myself. That way I’m able to test them and see if they are made of the right stuff. Congratulations…you passed the test.” 

So…that’s why he didn’t put you in your place for speaking out. The whole thing started to dawn on you. 

“Wait, are you saying that you planned to provoke me right from the start?”

“Something along that line, yes. ” A small smirk crept onto his mouth. 

You narrowed your eyes at him. You were sure of it now. He was officially the worst and most insufferable man you had met in your entire life. And God help you…you were going to be his servant…


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

The day you moved into the castle had arrived and it was a crappy day for sure. Your mom had decided to come with you and although you loved her from the depths of your very soul, it did not lessen the pain you felt deep inside. The opposite was true. Her presence made you even more upset than you already were. You didn’t want to be separated from her…you didn’t want her to leave this luxurious, intimidating place…you wished she wouldn’t leave you here on your own…you wished she would just take you home. 

And yet, you knew it was a futile wish. The time had come to stand on your own feet. It seemed an impossible and heart-breaking thing, but from now on, this was to be your destiny. It had been sealed the moment you looked into his eyes. And you had known it all along…from the moment you entered his office…so what was the point in opposing it?  
It would lessen, wouldn’t it? This heartrending feeling? Over time it wouldn’t feel half as bad. 

And it wasn’t as if you were completely cut off from the outer world, right? You could still visit your mom on your free day…you didn’t have to tear yourself away from your family. You would find a way to prevent such a thing. For sure you would. 

“Oh,_______, I’m so happy you got the job,” your mom said, as you two walked through the maze of majestic hallways. “Just look at this place! Isn’t it amazing?”

“It’s amazing that you’re still amazed at this, since it isn’t your first time here,” you said. 

“It’s a palace, dear. Palaces never fail to amaze me. And besides...my last visit was quite short-lived. I didn’t exactly have the time to look at this place when I was talking about your job.” 

“Still can’t believe that you succeeded in this.” That wasn’t a lie. You still didn’t capture how she had succeeded in getting you inside the royal palace. 

“You forget that your dad worked here as well. He made some useful connections during those days,” she said with a wink. “And besides…I only arranged the ‘conversation’. You were the one to secure the job.” 

“Wrong…My cheekiness assured the job,” you corrected a little absent. Your mind was no longer concentrated on the conversation. It had drifted off to your father. You thought about him…about his laugh…his heart of gold…about all the things that had made him the best dad in the world. He would have been splendid at this, you thought a bit sad.  
With his slender and graceful appearance he had never failed to make a good impression. The man had possessed every single quality a boss could wish for, except one…servility. He had been someone to be reckoned with. No doubt that your master would have liked him. 

“Then he must be fond of your personality,_______. Don’t you think that’s a good thing?” 

Your mom’s words instantly drove you back to reality. 

“Believe me, I don’t like him…he doesn’t like me…it’s a lost cause.” More accurate was the following: you just didn’t want him to like you. 

Your mom shook her head and said: “You should give him a chance,________. I’m sure he isn’t that bad of a person.” 

“You’ve only met him once…you don’t know what he is like.” 

“And you do?” she countered with a smile. 

“No,” you sighed, accepting your defeat. 

“Well then…I…oh…it’s seems that we have arrived at our destination.” 

My destination, you thought bitterly. You looked at the wooden door before you and tried to keep your discontentment to yourself. 

“Let’s knock, shall we?” your mom said enthusiastically, walking the talk.

You were called in by the ever so firm voice of your master, who was standing at the window, hands folded behind his back and clearly preoccupied with something that was going on outside. 

“Good morning, lord Beilschmidt,” your mother said politely. 

He instantly turned around, shifting his attention from the window to you two. 

“Good morning, madam,_______.” Your mom went as far as to bow, but you only nodded. He wanted a servant with a personality? Well…he would get a servant with a personality. 

“I hope we aren’t interrupting,” you said. 

“Not at all,” he responded, immediately picking up on your sarcasm. He wasn’t the only one catching on to it, though. Your mother shot you a warning look, desperately trying to silence you with her eyes. Her elaborate attempts were noticed by lord Beilschmidt as well, who raised an eyebrow in amusement. His eyes darted back to you, a hint of a smile on his lips. 

“Well then, let me show you to your room, miss________.”

Without saying another word he walked out of the office, disappearing into the hall. You didn’t hesitate and gave chase, your mother following on the heels. When reaching the hall, you found that the man had already disappeared around the corner. You hurried after him, almost tripping over your own feet when you tried to catch up. 

“Stupid aristocrat with your stupid aristocrat ways,” you murmured under your breath. In fact…you didn’t really know whether he was an aristocrat or not, but you really didn’t care. He was annoying and stupid and you couldn’t stand him. 

“Watch out,________!” you heard your mom yell. But it was too late. You slipped and almost fell forward, face to the ground. Almost…if it wasn’t for Lord Beilschmidt. He had somehow kept you from falling and was currently keeping a firm grip on your upper arm, his face dangerously close to yours. His proximity almost caused your breath to hitch in your throat. 

“You don’t have to kiss the ground, you know.” 

“I was not…I slipped!” 

“Clumsy footwork,” he said with a disapproving shake of the head. 

“I’m not clumsy,” you stated with anger, “I slipped because I tried to keep up with you. You’re impossible to follow.”

“You’d better get used to it then, my dear. After all, it’s a trait inherent to all ‘stupid aristocrats’.” Those last words froze you to the spot. You looked him in the eyes, into the never-ending depths of red, which seemed to resemble the flames of hell itself. 

How did he even manage to hear what you had said, since he had been walking ahead all the time? 

“Let me tell you something,” he said, his voice low. “I’m not overly fond of that term. It reminds me of someone…and I can’t stand the man.” 

“But you are an aristocrat, right?” you asked, tactless as you were. He didn’t seem to mind though. 

“In a way, yes.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s a bit too complex to explain my relation to the royal family. My formal role, however, is that of counsellor. They made a fairly good decision in entrusting me with that job.

After all, there is no one who knows this country better than I do.” 

“And why is that?” You asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Because I’m awesome. That’s why.” 

He let go off you and turned around, looking away from you: “Please do refrain from calling me stupid. It must be really hard for you, but do try to show a bit of respect.” 

You bit down your lip to prevent you from cursing. He didn’t notice your anger, he just walked on. 

“What was that about?” Your mom asked. She had been following the ‘conversation’, if you could call it that, from a distance and seemed a bit worried by it. No, wait…you had to take that one back…worried was an understatement. Disturbed fitted way better. 

“I might have offended him.” 

“What, how?” She asked with a frown. 

“I called him a stupid aristocrat.” 

“You did what?” Your mother’s voice rose to an unknown level. “Why?”

“It just…kind of happened. I thought he hadn’t heard it since he had been walking ahead of us all the time but…yeah.” No such luck ever existed for you. 

“Keep doing that and you’ll be fired within the week. Shortest career ever.” 

“Mom, please.” You really didn’t want to hear this right now. 

“I’m saying this for your own good, you know,” she said while raising her hands in defence. She sighed, as if this whole situation was tiring her out, and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Come on, let’s try to keep up with him, we don’t want to irritate him even more.” 

No, of course you didn’t want to do something like that…that would be sooo disrespectful. 

You let your mom lead the way and followed her in silence. The only noise in that maze of endless corridors and rooms was the string of curses which had formed inside your mind. You were cursing the man to hell, to were you thought he belonged. Wasn’t he some kind of devil, personally send to make your life miserable? Okay…it hadn’t exactly been miserable so far, but you were sure that part was yet to come. You remembered the uncomfortable feeling you had had when you first saw him. As if your destination had been fixed that very moment. 

Or perhaps it was just you...perhaps you were just trying to delude yourself by keeping up this rebel-like appearance. By calling him annoying and stupid….while deep down, you actually feared the man. You feared him because of that eerie feeling. As if something was wrong with him and you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. 

You took a deep breath. If you wanted to survive this job, you would have to put up with it. Eerie feeling or not…you couldn’t let your career being jeopardized by something like that. No…you had to be strong…you had to be yourself…you had to be and do the same as before…all would be well eventually, right?


	3. Chapter 3

The walk through the corridors seemed to last forever. Time was ticking by with every step you took and yet it felt as if you were walking in circles. There was just no end to this maze…no point to be reached. You looked up at the walls, expecting to see the same paintings as the ones you had passed earlier.  
You recognized none of them though. They were all different, more or less the same style, but nonetheless different. Damn…why did palaces have to be so enormous? 

You were mulling over the silly question when you noticed that your boss had stopped before a big, wooden door. He pulled out a silver key and unlocked the door, walking inside. You were a little surprised by this and didn’t really understand what he was doing. These were the royal quarters after all. Your room couldn’t possibly be here, right? You…a humble servant, sleeping in a place that was meant for royals? 

You shot a questioning look at your mother, who seemed to be equally surprised and simply shrugged. You both decided to follow the guy, assuming that he would explain himself eventually. 

The room literally took your breath away. It was breath-taking to say at least…pretty much like all the other things in the palace. It was spacious with a high ceiling, decorated with the familiar marble figures and golden patterns you had seen before. The walls were covered in wood, which was shining with splendour and which gave the room a warm hue. The wood, however, only came up to half of the wall, were it was replaced with a rather showy wallpaper.   
Beautiful paintings, which looked as if they were painted by some famous Italian painter, hung on every wall in the room. You could imagine their beautiful scenes being illuminated by the faint light of candles, carried by the golden candelabra. It would be magnificent…it would be like looking at artistic perfection. 

You simply couldn’t tear your gaze away from it, nor could your mother. Both of you stared at the paintings and the decorations. You had totally forgotten about your boss. Until he started to talk, that is. 

“May I assume that it is to your liking?” he asked with a small smile. 

You turned around to face him, your brows knitted together in confusion. 

“Why do you ask, my Lord?” For once you didn’t understand what he was aiming at. 

“Because this is going to be your room, of course. I want to know whether you like it or not.” 

“You can’t be serious,” you said. Your mother was obviously thinking the same. Her eyes darted between you and your boss. 

“Now why wouldn’t I be serious?” He tilted his head to one side and watched you with an amused smile. He knew why you had said that…he just wanted to hear you say it…of that you were sure. 

“I’m a servant. Why would you assign me one of the royal rooms? Is it not usual for servants to sleep downstairs?” 

“Normally they do, yes,” he said, “but you’re not a normal servant. You’re mine.” 

The way he said that last word gave you the chills, as if someone had poured a bucket of ice into your clothes. It kept resounding through your mind, in a constantly altering voice. Loud, quiet… Mine, mine,…  
You seemed to be the only one who had interpreted his words in an almost possessive way. Your mother didn’t appear to be fazed by it. Perhaps you just misunderstood? 

“You seem a bit…disturbed by what I said,” he remarked while staring at you. “Let’s put it in other words…I need you close to me and my brother. I can’t have you sleeping downstairs. It’s too long a walk and it would be impossible to run your job in a proper way.” 

“So I have to do nightshifts as well?” You crossed your arms, showing that you didn't like the idea of sleeping anywhere near him.

“At times, yes.” 

“And what kind of work is that? I can’t imagine anything that has to be done specifically at night.” 

Your mother shot you a look. She was becoming really good at that. 

Mr. Beilschmidt locked his eyes with yours, staring, as if he was trying to see what you were thinking. He might actually have succeeded in that, for a knowing look appeared on his fine features, accompanied by a sly smirk. 

“Believe me, it’s normal work. Nothing to worry about. Let’s talk about this later. I’m sure it will be an interesting conversation, but now you should focus on saying goodbye to your mother. I’ll leave you alone.” He turned to your mother and bowed. “I hope you’ll have a safe trip home, Madame.” 

“Thank you, my Lord. I’ll be fine,” she responded while bowing as well. 

All the while you were watching him in a distrustful way. You didn’t want to talk about it later. You wanted to talk about it now. The whole thing made your stomach turn in anxiety. 

He took his leave before you could protest and disappeared into the corridors, leaving you and your mother alone in the room. She was silent, something that just wasn’t like her. 

“Mom, is something wrong?” you asked carefully. 

“No, I’m just impressed,” she answered with a slight smile. “I mean…have you seen this room? I had hoped you would get a nice place to live and sleep in, but this I hadn’t dared hope for. I’m just…I’m so happy for you.” She pulled you into a hug, her face buried in your shoulder. You nestled your head against her shoulder as well, trying your best not to cry. Tears were already welling up in your eyes, stinging painfully. 

Guilt washed over you with the force of a tidal wave.   
She was feeling so happy for you and you just couldn’t share the feeling with her. It felt terrible…it felt as if you were failing her.   
But no matter how hard you tried…you just couldn’t get over it. You couldn’t get over the feeling that this whole situation…that this man…would be your downfall. You could not, not until the feeling was proven to be wrong. And for that you had to wait patiently and see. 

“I’m going to miss you, mom,” you said, changing the subject to something else. Something you didn’t feel guilty about. Every girl in her right mind would miss her mom when separated. You were no exception. 

“I’m going to miss you too, ____,” she said softly. “It will be silent without you.” 

“Yeah…that’s for sure,” you said with a sob. The tears were streaming down your face now. “Will you be okay on your own?” 

“I’ll be fine, ____,” she said while lifting her head so that she could look at you. “I always knew that I would have to let go of you one day. I had to let go of your brother…now I have to let go of you as well.” Her eyes were teary when she said those words, but she tried to contain them for your sake. With a small smile she added: “Doesn’t mean you don’t have to visit though.” 

You chuckled a bit, wiping the tears from your eyes. “Of course I’ll visit.” 

“I’m holding you to that,” she said, chuckling as well while lightly patting your cheek. “And wash the worry of your face…you’ll do just fine.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“You’re welcome, dear.” 

She glanced over her shoulder and said: “It’s about time I left.” She bent forward and gave you a kiss on your forehead. 

“Take care of yourself.” 

“I will. Take care as well.” 

She let go of you and started to walk to the door. “I will, ______. Don’t forget to write.” 

“I won’t,” you said. She smiled at you and then, from one moment to the next, she was gone.   
Disappearing into thin air. Erased from your life. As if she had never been there in the first place. You knees were shaking and you feared you would collapse. You went to sit down on the ground, next to your little suitcase with your personal belongings, and started to cry even more than you had done before. The tears slid down your face, falling into the depths. 

For the first time in your life, you felt lonely. It felt as if your heart was being covered in a layer of thick, impenetrable ice, freezing the blood in your veins and cooling your tears. You felt miserable. 

“Why are you crying, Liebling?” 

Your head shot up when you heard the familiar voice, but you immediately turned away. You hadn’t noticed that he’d entered, nor that he’d walked up so close to you.

“I’m not crying,” you said while wiping the freshly fallen tears away. You didn’t want him to see that you were crying. You didn’t want to show weakness in front of him. 

He knelt down before you, but you refused to look him in the eye.

“Tears don’t lie, meine Liebe,” he said, his voice had adopted a softer tone than usual. 

“So what if I’m crying,” you sniffed. “I cry whenever I want.” 

“I guess that’s true.” 

“Please don’t agree with me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

He chuckled. “Does it? How interesting.” 

You shot him a look and said: “With all due respect, but it would be much more interesting if you told me about those nightshifts we talked about earlier.” You desperately tried to change the subject. 

“Ah, yes. Our really interesting conversation.” He rose to his feet and offered you his gloved hand. You looked at it, hesitating whether or not to take it.   
You slowly placed your hand in his, but only because you feared that you wouldn’t be able to stand up on your own. Your legs were still shaking after all.   
He smiled and hauled you to your feet with little to no effort, as if you only weighed as much as a feather. 

You let go of his hand, but immediately discovered that it was a bad idea. Your legs still weren’t 100 percent recovered and you felt as if you would fall backwards if you didn’t grab something to hold on to. In this case…the man’s arm. 

He shot you a curious look, but didn’t protest. 

“Just…leave me be, okay,” you said, feeling your cheeks warm up under his gaze. “What about our interesting conversation?” 

“Well, I came back to answer your questions and then you had...an emotional breakdown.” 

“I did not have an emotional breakdown,” you said through gritted teeth. 

“Didn’t look like it.” 

“Focus on the conversation, please.” 

“I believe you were worried about the so called nightshifts. Why are you worried about those?” 

“You know why,” you said with narrowed eyes. 

“I don’t think I do, Liebling,” he said, the same sly smile reappearing on his beautifully carved lips. 

“Please stop calling me that.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t like it.” 

“I think it suits you rather well, _________.”

“That may very well be, but I’m not your Liebling. Nor will I ever be. I’m not your possession.”

“I haven’t said you are, have I?”

You looked into his eyes, the red shining brightly, trying to pull you into their never-ending depths. 

“What are you playing at?” you asked in a low voice. 

“Nothing, the question you’d better ask yourself is: why are you afraid of me?” 

“I’m not afraid,” you lied. You let go of his arm, ready to take a step back, but he didn’t let you. He grabbed your arm and drew you close to him. Your breath hitched in your throat, your heart soared in your breast, beating twice as hard as usual. God, he made every nerve in your body scream…and no…that wasn’t something good…not at all. 

“Liar,” he said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. 

“Let go of me.” 

“You know, _______. It’s not because I call you ‘Liebling’ that I’m going to make you do things you don’t want to do. After all, what kind of man would that make me?” 

“Not the kind of man you would want to be,” you said, almost snarling. 

“Clever girl,” he said with a smirk. “Now…do you really think I would use you for something that…obscure?” 

“The thought crossed my mind, yes.” 

“Because of the nightshifts?” 

“Because of the nightshifts,” you repeated firmly. He couldn’t blame you. A room close to that of your boss, mysterious nightshifts,…no wonder that your mind started to go down the path of dark and sinful thoughts. 

“I wonder what I look like in that little mind of yours,” he said with a thoughtful tone to his voice, as if he was sincerely wondering. “I must be a horrible person if you think so poorly of me.” 

“I…I just….,” you began. Why couldn’t you find the right words? 

“You just what, Liebe?” 

“I don’t trust you. Something feels wrong about you.” 

“Does it? What’s wrong about me then?” he asked. 

“I can’t say, my Lord. It’s more of a presentiment.”

“Does the presentiment state that I’ll hurt you? In any way?” 

“No…well…I don’t know…I don’t think so, but…,” you said hesitating. You didn’t like this turn of events. You felt as if you were driven into a corner. 

“Your hesitating, Liebe.” 

“Stop calling me that.” 

He chuckled; a light melodious sound. “Don’t worry, I do not plan to harm you…or to use you as a prostitute…since that’s what you were really worrying about.”

You shivered when you heard the word. The idea alone filled you with horror and made you feel sick. You’d rather die than being the plaything of a man…even when the man in question was as handsome as he was. It wouldn’t change anything about the fact that it was against your will. 

You swallowed and said: “Even if I did…I’m not saying that I did…then you can’t blame me for it. What kind of normal person works at night?” 

You weren’t sure if he had heard what you were saying, for he seemed to be lost in his own world of thoughts. 

“I think I’m just going to show you what’s meant with nightshifts,” he said in a thoughtful tone, as if he was speaking to himself. “Yes…that’s a rather good idea…I’ll come and get you at eleven p.m. Make sure that you’re still awake. Otherwise I’ll be forced to drag you out of your bed.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” you murmured under your breath. 

“Oh, yes, I would,” he said with a smirk. 

You decided not to react to that, instead choosing to change the subject. “What am I supposed to do in the meantime?” 

“You’re starting tomorrow so…in the meantime…you can do whatever you like. As long as you stay in this room, that is. I can’t have you wandering around the palace just like that.” 

“This is worse than prison,” you said in protest.

“Now how would you know? You’ve never been imprisoned,” he said with a small smile. 

“Who says I haven’t been?” You surely were imprisoned within your own heart…you had been ever since you arrived here. Didn’t that count as well?

“There are many forms of imprisonment, Liebling. I meant the kind where you are physically locked up.” 

“Yes, yes, I understood that part,” you said, not wanting to go any further into the subject. 

“Good,” he said. “Tomorrow I’ll show you around this place…after that you’ll be free to move around to your heart’s content. So…don’t worry about being imprisoned.” 

He let go off your arm, which felt a bit stiff because of the firm grip he had hold upon it.   
“Don’t forget about tonight,” he said, before disappearing through the door. 

You were left alone…wondering about those curious nightshifts. If it didn’t have anything to do with that horror-scenario you had had in mind, then what was it about?


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

 

The rest of the afternoon had been fairly boring. You had tried to make yourself at home in the room, putting your stuff into the big, wooden closet (which you first hadn’t dared to touch out of fear of accidentally breaking it) and looking the place up and down. The latter had kept you rather busy for some time, but you hadn’t discovered anything which had been able to keep the boredom away, only some expensive-looking things of which you had thought it better to leave them where they were. 

After your examination you had seated yourself on the canopy bed, staring around and looking up to the magnificent ceiling. It made your imagination run wild, day-dreaming about winged little boys, spreading love around the world, about majestic trees whose branches swirled around in the wind, housing a magical world of elves and other supernatural creatures. After what had seemed like hours, you had torn your gaze away from it, feeling a bit hypnotized by its splendour. 

You crawled to the middle of the bed and curled up into a little ball, trying to make yourself cosy. Fatigue was taking its toll on you, but you decided not to give in to it. You simply couldn’t.  
Your Lord had told you not to sleep, since he planned to show you what he meant with those nightshifts. You sighed, nestling your head into the soft pillows. There were still a few more hours to go tough…he wouldn’t mind if you closed your eyes for an hour or two…no…he definitely wouldn’t. 

*Time Skip

You didn’t know where you were. Darkness surrounded you, gripping you around the waist and pulling you into its depths. You struggled, trying to break free from its powerful grasp. You didn’t understand why you were acting that way. Normally you would let it take you to the world you so dearly loved. The world of dreams and memories. So why was it that you put up such a resistance?  
A small chuckle resounded throughout the dark, followed by a familiar voice. 

“Well, well. Seems like I’ll have to wake you up after all.” 

That very moment you succeeded in breaking loose from the darkness. You ran towards the light and took hold of one of its bright rays. It dragged you back into reality where you opened your eyes and stared right into the face of Lord Beilschmidt. His figure was darkened by the night and merely illuminated by the faint gleam of candlelight. The little flame was reflected in his eyes, giving them an orange-like hue.

“Goodnight, Liebe. Did you sleep well?” 

“I wasn’t sleeping. I was just putting my eyes to a rest,” you countered, wiping the sleep from your eyes. 

“Of course you were not,” he said with a mocking smirk. 

You shot him a glare and went to sit upright, stretching your arms out before you. For the first time in what seemed to be an eternity you felt truly exhausted. Why, oh, why did he have to wake you up? 

Sometimes you really thought he was able to read your thoughts. 

“Don’t worry, my dear. You’ll have plenty of time to sleep afterwards.. Now…if you would be so kind as to follow me...,” he said while taking the candle from the nightstand. 

You swung your legs over the edge of the bed, stood up and followed him in absolute silence. The corridors were dark and empty, devoid of all living things and carrying a feeling of anxiety within their very walls. Perhaps it was just a reflection of your own irrational fears. After all…you never had been really fond of the darkness and the things that hid inside of it. It scared you…the inability to see, to know what was out there. Even though you realized all too well that there was nothing to be scared of. 

You clung to the light of the candle, not daring to lag behind. Lord Beilschmidt must have felt your anxiety for he had slowed down considerably, making it easier for you to keep up. You were thankful for that…in your own way. 

“Are you scared of the dark, _________?” His voice broke the deathly hush of night. 

“Maybe…,” you said, your voice nothing more than a whisper. “How can you tell?”

“Because you’re clinging to me, dear,” he said, while glancing at you. The smile he wore clearly visible in the orange light. “I think that says enough.” 

You wanted to say something, but you didn’t know what. He was right…you were scared of the dark…and there was no way in denying it. What could you possibly win with that? 

“What,________? No comments?” he said with a frown which screamed disbelief. “Should I be worried?” 

You rolled your eyes at him and said: “It’s not like I comment on everything you say. And besides…what’s the use of denying when you already know it?” 

He didn’t respond to that, perhaps because something else had already captured his attention. He stopped at a door, that was about twenty meters away from your own room and opened it slightly. He stuck his head inside, seemingly listening. You had no idea what he was doing…or whose room that was supposed to be. God, you didn’t even know what you were doing here in the first place. 

“What are…,” you started, but he interrupted you almost immediately and motioned for you to follow him inside the room. You did as you were told, not knowing what to expect. What or better…who…was waiting beyond that door? 

You walked inside and immediately rushed over to where Lord Beilschmidt was standing. He shook his head in amusement, grinning down at you. 

“You’re absolutely adorable when you’re scared.” 

“Please, don’t start it, really…just don’t,” you said while colouring a deep shade of red. 

He smirked, but it was quickly replaced by a more serious look. 

“Do you still wonder about the nightshifts?” What kind of stupid question was that? Of course you did.

“Uh…yeah, of course I do,” you stated matter-of-factly. 

“Well then…take a look over there,” he said with a nod to the bed on the other side of the room. 

You looked in that direction and then back to him. You carefully took a step towards the bed, peering over it. You were surprised at what you saw. A little boy, probably around the age of seven, was sleeping in it. He was covered in the duvet, leaving only his head exposed. A mop of blond hair and a soft, pale face laced with the peace of sleep. He looked so innocent…so incredibly young…it seemed as if he didn’t belong here. Not here…not in this intimidating, big place. 

“Who is he?” you asked Lord Beilschmidt, who had silently come to stand beside you. 

“He’s my younger brother.” 

“That’s your younger brother?” You couldn’t keep the surprise out of your voice. You remembered that he had said that you would be the servant of his brother as well…but you hadn’t imagined the boy to be so young. 

“Yes…is something wrong with that?” 

“No…I…I just never imagined him to be so young,” you said softly, giving voice to your thoughts. 

He chuckled and glanced at the boy with a smile of fondness. It was weird to see him that way, you hadn’t thought of him as a brother. It definitely cast a different light on him. 

“You’re not asking the relevant question, dear,” he said when he caught you staring. “What does he have to do with the nightshifts?” 

“Yeah, that is a relevant question,” you beamed. “Tell me, what does he have to do with it?” 

His face became serious once again , there even was a hint of sorrow in his burning red eyes, illuminated by the orange light of the candle. You wondered why that was. 

“You have to know, _______, that Ludwig has a rather poor health, which means that he’s vulnerable to diseases. Those things can be helped of course, but…there are things that even a physician cannot resolve.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Tonight is a calm night,” he said thoughtfully while glancing at the window and the moon that left a circle of light on the ground. “He has not woken up a single time so far. There are nights though…where he doesn’t get any sleep at all.” 

You looked at the boy and immediately felt a deep sympathy for him. You wanted to hold him in your arms, just for the sake of giving some comfort. A child should not suffer from such things. 

“Nightmares?” 

He simply nodded, looking down at his little brother in a compassionate way. 

“Sometimes he wakes up, screaming and thrashing around. Most of the times I’m there to help him, comfort him if he needs it…but I’m not always here. I sometimes spend the night in my office…depends on the amount of work I have…which makes it impossible for me to know whether he’s having a nightmare or not. I want you to take my place when I’m not here.” 

“But he doesn’t know me…won’t it be weird for him to be comforted by a stranger?”

“I’ll introduce you to him in the morning. Believe me…he’ll like you for sure.” 

“How do you know?”

“Well…I like you…and my brother, although often my opposite, shares my taste in people. You’ll be just fine.” 

“Oh, so you like me then? I thought…” 

“You’re so busy trying not to like me,” he said, interrupting you. “You forget that it’s not a mutual feeling.”

That actually left you baffled. For the first time in your life, you really didn’t know what to say. It was quite an uncomfortable feeling really. You fiddled with the sleeve of your garment, looking at the ground…as if an appropriate answer was to be found there. 

You had to admit that, somewhere deep down, you felt guilty. You felt guilty that you had ever thought bad of him. 

“I…I think…I…owe you an apology, my Lord,” you said, still looking down. 

“Well, that’s very unlike you,” he said, while grabbing your arm and leading you out of Ludwig’s room. He closed the door behind him and then turned to face you.

“I…just thought that…I want to apologize for thinking so poorly of you. I shouldn’t have doubted your intentions with regards to the nightshifts.” 

“There’s no need for apologies, Liebe. If I wanted an apology I would have demanded one.” 

“So you don’t blame me for thinking bad of you?” 

“No…I admit that the whole concept of the nightshifts seemed rather dubious. I should have clarified it the moment I mentioned it.” 

You nodded, but in fact you only felt more guilty. Perhaps you should try to give him a chance…just like your mom had told you to do. And as for the eerie feeling…well…time would tell, right? 

“You look tired, ________,” he said after he had brought you back to your own room. “You should return to bed. It’s already past midnight.” 

“Yes…yes, I’d better do that,” you suppressed a yawn. “Goodnight, my Lord.” 

“Gilbert.”

“Excuse me?” you said, your head already clouded with exhaustion. 

“My name is Gilbert,” he said, without looking back. “You can call me that…if you want.”

“Uh…sure, Gilbert.” He chuckled lightly, the soft noise resounding through the dark. 

“Goodnight to you as well, _________.”

You nodded and walked into your room. You closed the door behind you, leaning your head against it and letting your emotions overwhelm you...


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5 

 

You turned around in your bed, grabbing your pillow and burying your head into it. Never before had you had such a comfortable sleep as you had now. It felt as if the dream spirits had taken you into their warm embrace, holding you close and immersing you in the most precious and beautiful dreams they possessed. You wandered from one dream to another, floating around and looking at the figures that moved past you. Some you knew, some you didn’t. Some people of which you knew that they were long gone appeared before you, talking to you and comforting you with their familiar voices. One of them…was your dad. He literally appeared out of nowhere, hooking his arm through yours and taking you for a walk. You watched him in silence, observing the small wrinkles in his face and the grey of his eyes, taking in the smile that hung on his lips. This was one of the rare moments were you got to see him. Your dreams tended to be very chaotic and unrealistic, they rarely showed him like they did now. And when they did, they almost immediately took him away from you again. You hoped that he would stay longer this time…you had missed him more than anything in the world…

“So tell me,_________. How have you been?” he asked. 

You felt a sense of security when you heard his voice. It was the voice that had encouraged you throughout your youth, that had reprimanded you when you had been into mischief and that had told you about the big world outside of your house. He had made you dream.   
To hear that voice again…after so long…filled you with joy…but also with a missing that was even deeper than before.

“I’m fine, dad.”

“Are you really?” he asked with a knowing look. 

You chuckled, shaking your head slightly. 

“I really don’t know.” 

“How come?” 

“Well…I have a job now…I’m working as a servant at the royal palace…and…there’s this man…my boss…he’s…,” you took a deep breath as you tried to think of the right words to describe ‘Gilbert’. You didn’t really succeed in that. “I don’t know how to describe him. It’s just…he seems alright, but I have this feeling...Something feels off about him.” 

Your dad nodded in understanding. He went to sit on a little bench you passed and patted the spot next to him. You sat down and folded your hands in your lap. 

The sun was shining and a strong summer breeze blew past you, playing with your hair and the leaves of the willow tree you were sitting under. You hadn’t realized it before, but the whole landscape was familiar to you. It was one of the scenes you had come across while travelling to your aunt and uncle…all those years ago. You had been young, perhaps a bit too young to remember all the things that happened back then, but this…this you remembered vividly. The large fields with the millions of coloured flowers, the blue of the river, searching its way through the green and the birds…the birds high up in the sky, singing their magnificent songs. You remembered how you had tried to imitate their songs…with your brother telling you to try harder and your mother and father whistling as well. You hadn’t succeeded, but that hadn’t been important. It had been fun…

“Tell me about this man,” he said, continuing the conversation you had had before you noticed the familiar scene. “Does he treat you well?” 

“He does…it’s just…I don’t know what to do. Do I give him my trust, or…,” you left that sentence unfinished, sighing.

“Well…that is something that’s entirely for you to decide, my dear. I can only recommend you the same as I always do…just follow…”

“…your heart,” you added with a small smile. 

“Exactly…I’m happy to hear that you haven’t forgotten about it.” 

“How could I possibly forget about it? You’ve said it like what... a thousand times?” 

He laughed at that. The noise warmed your heart. If only he had lived a few years longer…he would have known how to ease the struggle you faced. It would have been so much easier.

“I miss you, dad,” you said, translating your thoughts into words. 

“I miss you too,______,” he said, his grey eyes filled with his love for you. He bent towards you and kissed your forehead. 

You put your arms around him, not wanting to ever let go and yet knowing that you had to…you had no choice…it was the curse of being alive…the price you paid for feeling the breath in your lungs and the beat of your heart in your chest. 

“Don’t go…just don’t…,” you said, clinging to him. 

He kissed your head a last time and disappeared. The world around you broke apart, day changed into night, the fields withered and were coloured raven-black…everything around you was shrouded in darkness. You wrestled your way through it, searching for the light of consciousness. 

“_______, wake up.” 

You heard the familiar voice, calling you from a distant place, beyond the dark. You held on to it, using it as a guidance through the eternal darkness. It pulled you out of it.

You wriggled and kicked, trying to free yourself from the blankets that covered you. When you had finally managed to do so, you were positioned on the bed in a way that could be best described as ‘unladylike’. You didn’t care…well...you didn’t until you became aware of the red orbs that were fixed on you. In no time you had pulled a blanket up to your chin, hiding almost every inch of your body. 

“Well, that’s a shame,” Gilbert said, “I really enjoyed the view.” 

“What are you doing here?” you asked, turning as red as a potato. 

“I was going to drag you out of your bed…since it’s already past eight. You overslept.” 

“Did I?” you asked, not really expecting an answer to that. 

“Yes,” he gave you one nonetheless. “Did you sleep well? You seemed rather…upset.” 

“No, I…wait…how long have you been standing there?” you asked, narrowing your eyes. 

“For about ten minutes. I wanted to wake you up sooner, but watching you sleep was rather amusing.”

“That’s not amusing. That’s just plain creepy,” you said, feeling the discomfort rise inside of you. 

“For me it was…you talk in your sleep, Liebe,” he said with a smirk. 

“God, no…”,you thought. This couldn’t possibly become more awkward. Could it? 

“What…what did I say?” you stammered, hugging your blanket close to you. 

“Nothing to be ashamed of, really.” 

“Then tell me.” 

“Oh, is it that time already?” he said, pulling a pocket watch out of his cloak and glancing at it.

“You should get up. Otherwise I’ll be forced to punish you for being so late.” 

“By scaring me to death?” 

“Who knows, dear…I’m quite inventive when it comes to punishments.” You didn’t like the smile that accompanied those words…suggestive…sly…him.

“Okay, you convinced me. I’m not going to be late ever again,” you said, wrapping yourself in the blanket and crawling out of bed. 

 

“Good…now, get dressed…I’ll be introducing you to Ludwig.” 

You had honestly forgotten about the boy. Sleep had pushed him to the background of your mind, into a distant corner. Would he have had the fortune of sleep…or the misfortune of nightmares? 

“How is he?” you asked, while searching your stuff together. 

“He’s fine…sleep has been merciful on him. He looks forward to meeting you.”

“Does he?” you were a little surprised at this. Why would he even want to meet you? You weren’t that important…God…you were only a humble servant. 

Gilbert simply nodded. “All the more reason to hurry up.”

“Yes, I will…if you leave the room,” you said a bit irritated. You weren’t going to undress with him watching you do so. 

“Can’t do that. I still have to inform you of a few things.” 

“And you can’t do so when I’ve finished getting dressed?”

“I fear not,” he said with a smirk. 

Oh, he was smart for sure. You coloured redder than you had done a few minutes ago. Protesting wouldn’t work…you knew that much. You sighed and said: “Then turn around.” 

“You seriously think I wouldn’t have turned around if you hadn’t told me so?” he asked once he had done what you’d told him. 

“That’s doubtful,” you said. “But I’ll warn you, my Lord.”

“Gilbert,” he corrected. 

“Gilbert…master or not…if you look, I’ll be forced to take measures.” 

“I would like to see you try,” he said in a low, husky voice. It added such a suggestive, almost wanting tone to the words that it actually scared you. How much you detested it, you couldn’t deny that there was a certain…tension between you and Gilbert. Every time he came close to you, you could feel it hanging in the air, like electricity…like an upcoming disaster that was going to strike you the moment you didn’t pay attention. You didn’t like it…true to be honest...it scared you.

“Okay…,” you said, leaving the rest of the sentence hanging in the air. You quickly stripped out your nightgown and changed into your regular clothes. No washing or whatsoever…not with him standing there. 

“So…what about those important things you were going to inform me of?” 

A low chuckle resounded. 

“Nothing really…I just wanted to know whether or not you would allow me to stay in the room.” 

That…you should have known. You shot a glare at his statue-like figure, wishing him to actually feel it. 

“Why am I not surprised at all?” 

“Because you’re getting to know me…you clever girl.”

Now you really wanted to swing something at his head. Would you get away with it? Probably not. 

“Bad idea, very bad idea, __________,” you thought. 

You erased it from your mind and went to search for your hairbrush, for your hair was a total mess.

“You can turn around, Gilbert,” you said, while searching through your belongings. You found what you were looking for, moved towards the mirror and started to comb your tangled locks. It was more difficult than you thought. It seemed as if every strand of hair on your head had been twisted in an untidy way, making it nearly impossible for you to get through. 

You sighed in frustration, blinking a tear away when you hauled the hairbrush down. It really hurt!

“Give that to me.” 

Gilbert appeared behind you in the mirror, holding out his hand. You really wanted to protest, but your body betrayed you before you could. You gave him the hairbrush and looked in the mirror, watching his every move. 

He took some of your hair and started to brush it with careful, but effective strokes. It didn’t hurt half as much as when you had tried to get the knots out of it.   
The thing that got most of your attention though, was the tenderness with which he took care of it. It surprised you that he even possessed a trait like that. 

“What have you been doing to get your hair into such a mess?” he asked, half-absently. 

“I don’t know…it just…does that,” you didn’t really know what else to say. 

He glanced at you in the mirror, but quickly moved his attention back to your hair. He separated it in to three sections and started to weave those together into one long braid. You watched him do so, studying his concentrated face.

“You’re…quite good at this,” you said. 

“My mother used to have long hair. She always asked me to help her weave it together.” 

Used…did that mean that his mother was dead? 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” 

“You couldn’t have known…and besides…she’s been gone for quite some time now. I’ve gotten over it.”

“Then why do you look so sad when mentioning her?” you thought. It was clearly visible in his eyes…in the whole of his behaviour, really. He looked a little less concentrated than he had been before. The conversation had obviously taken him off guard. 

“My dad died when I was thirteen…I haven’t gotten over it…I never will,” you threw him a meaningful glance. “You can tell yourself that you will, but it’s just a lie.” 

He was silent for a moment. 

“Then your life must be quite hard, Liebe. If you’re not able to deal with loss.” 

“Perhaps I just don’t want to deal with it,” you said, piqued. “I don’t want to get over it…I don’t want to forget.” 

“It’s not the same as forgetting,” he said while binding the end of the braid together with a little, colourful string. 

“Is it not?” 

He shook his head in a compassionate way, as if a child had just done something stupid and was now crying out loud. 

He moved his hands from your hair to your neck, lightly tracing your spine and shoulder blades. You didn’t flinch away from his touch. It was so gentle that you didn’t see any danger in it. 

“I like it better when you wear your hair down,” he said, dodging the previous topic. “But I guess this while be more convenient.” 

“Yes…I guess it will,” you said, while rotating a bit, watching yourself in the mirror. It didn’t look bad. Not at all. You just weren’t used to seeing yourself like that. 

“It…it looks great. Thank you, Gilbert,” you said, sending him a small smile. 

“So you do know how to smile,” he grinned. “You should do so more often, Liebe. It looks good on you.”

“Of course I know how to smile…it’s just…why smile when you don’t have a good reason for it? Why bother?” 

“A smile is the mirror of the heart, Liebe. It tells rather a lot about a person.” 

“Like what then?” 

“I’ll make sure to tell you later,” he said. “Because now it’s time for you to meet my little brother.”


	6. Chapter 6

Nervousness got the best of you when you were on your way to meet Ludwig. You didn’t really understand why it struck you so suddenly. After all, the boy was only seven…he was still a child, which made him one of the only things in the world you should not be afraid of. 

Gilbert noticed your distress and smiled a little. 

“Your hands are shaking, Liebe.” 

You looked at them and clenched them into fists. The tremble didn’t go away…no…it only made it worse. 

“I’m nervous,” you admitted. 

“Obviously,” he said. “There’s no reason to be, though.” 

He was absolutely right. And yet, you simply couldn’t suppress it. 

You arrived at the door of Ludwig’s room. Your nervousness had reached its peak, taking its toll on your heartbeat. Gilbert knocked, just to let his brother know that you had arrived, and opened the door. You stayed where you were, as if frozen to your spot. 

“Don’t be silly,_________,” he said with a smirk, while grabbing your waist. You almost let out a squeal when he pulled you to his side, holding you so close that you could feel the warmth of his body. It felt comforting…secure. For a split second you thought how nice it would be if he would just hold you like that for the rest of your life.

The thought, however, vanished as quick as it had come. 

“What the hell are you thinking?” the little voice in your head screamed in horror. “You can’t think of him like that,________! You don’t even like him, remember!”

Truth was that you had actually started to like the man, which meant as much as cutting the escape rope. There was no way escape from it now. 

“Still…doesn’t mean you have to think that way,” you lectured yourself. 

Oh, you just couldn’t help it! Your nervousness in regards to meeting Ludwig had disappeared, its place taken by this overwhelming feeling of discomfort. Your mind and heart fought over your thoughts, slowly tearing them apart. Luckily for you, both were silenced when Gilbert gently pushed you forward, inside the room. 

You looked around in unease. It was quite a difference with last night, when everything had been covered in the layers of darkness. Bright colours had replaced those, enlightening the room and the paintings on the walls. It reminded your of your own room, only a bit more…personal. You didn’t know how to describe it, but this room just radiated that it belonged to someone. Perhaps it was hidden in details…like in that portrait above the hearth, showing the young master. The same young boy that was now staring at you from his spot at the other side of the room. You slowly turned around and answered his stare, locking your eyes with his. 

Ludwig was quite what you expected him to be. A small, pale-looking child with sandy blond hair that framed his face in a messy way. His eyes were his most striking feature, radiating a blue that seemed to be taken from the sky itself and which gave you the impression of pure innocence.   
There was something about him though. Something you couldn’t put your finger on. You broke your gaze and glanced at Gilbert, who’d come to stand beside you. 

The two didn’t look alike, not in the least, and yet there was no doubt that they were siblings. Both had something mysterious…with Gilbert, it manifested itself in the eerie feeling you got, with Ludwig, you got the feeling that he wasn’t that innocent as he looked. 

“Ludwig,” Gilbert said while motioning for him to come closer. “This is _____________. Our new servant.” 

Ludwig took a few tentative steps in your direction and extended his little hand to you. 

“Welcome, miss ____________. I’m Ludwig Beilschmidt.” 

You answered his gesture; his hand feeling cold in your own. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, my Lord.” 

“Please, do call me Ludwig,” he said with a small smile. It was barely noticeable though. It didn’t look as if he smiled a lot. Poor child. 

“You know how it works, Ludwig. If there’s something you need, you ask ________,” Gilbert said. 

The boy simply nodded, while turning his eyes back to you. 

“Will you be joining me this evening? We can play chess or read together?” 

You were a bit surprised to hear that, you hadn’t expect him to trust you that fast. You had thought that he would need some time to get used to you. 

“Uh…of course, I will, Ludwig,” you said. “I have to warn you though…I’m no good at playing chess.”

“Me neither, so we’ll make quite the pair.” 

Wow, the boy really knew how to put his thoughts into words. He almost seemed to be ahead of his actual age. 

“Okay, then. Where do you want to meet?” 

“The big room at the end of the hall.” 

“Fine with me,” you looked at Gilbert, not sure if you had to ask him for permission as well. He simply nodded. 

“Well then, if it’s all set and done, I would like to show you around,__________.” 

“Oh…that’s right. Uh…it was nice to meet you, Ludwig,” you said with a smile. 

The boy answered by sending you a smile as well. A real, genuine smile that made him look like an angel-child from heaven. It almost succeeded in melting your heart. Why on earth had you ever been so nervous to meet him? 

His attention for you was soon lost though, for he already turned to his big brother. 

“Brother…can I have a word with you?” he asked carefully, while tugging at Gilbert’s sleeve and looking up at him with big, pleading eyes. 

“____________, will you leave us alone for a minute?” Gilbert said, his voice had suddenly taken on a more serious tone. It really scared you how fast he could change his whole behaviour. 

You nodded and walked out of the room, half closing the door behind you. The hall was silent as death and it was no surprise really that you caught a part of the conversation that was going on at the other side of the room. Normally you would have reprimanded yourself for eavesdropping, but this time you simply couldn’t help yourself. What was so important that Ludwig had to talk to his brother? Was it something about you? You put your ear to the door and listened. 

Ludwig’s voice was the first thing you heard. 

“Have you told her yet?” The question was met with a short silence. 

“No, I haven’t. I’m not even sure if I will.” 

“Wasn’t that the point of choosing a servant all by yourself? So that you could choose one that seemed trustworthy enough to tell?” 

“Don’t be such a ‘Besserwisser’, little brother. Wouldn’t it be a little bit unfair if we just throw it at her? She wouldn't have a choice in the matter…I don’t think I have to tell you about how important free will is.” 

Ludwig was quiet. 

“You’re right.” 

“Of course I am.” 

You pulled away from the door and went for your room as silent as possible. Once there, you threw yourself onto your bed and stared at the ceiling, mulling over the weird conversation. It had been about you, just like you had expected…but you didn’t understand the exact problem. Something about ‘not telling’ you? Because…if they did tell you…you would no longer be able to call on your free will? What was this all about? 

You grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. Why was your life so difficult? Why was Gilbert being such a difficult man? Why did he have to make it so difficult for you to trust him? 

You ran your hands through your hair, feeling absolutely miserable. You couldn’t confront him with it, because then he would know that you eavesdropped on their conversation. And that…well…you were quite sure that it wouldn’t be appreciated. By neither of them. 

No…you would have to take matters into your own hands and find out yourself. If this was about you, then you had the right to know. 

A knock on the door dragged you back to reality. Gilbert walked in, raising an eyebrow when he saw you sitting on your bed. 

“Don’t tell me you’re feeling tired already?”

“I’m not. I was just…contemplating things.” Yes…that’s exactly what you had been doing. 

He nodded in understanding and said: “Well…if you’re ready I’d like to show you around.”

“Sure.” You hopped of the bed and followed him in silence. 

*Time Skip

When Gilbert had said that he would show you around, you had never thought that he meant the whole palace. He guided you from the royal quarters to the ‘Rittersaal’ and the white hall, which was perhaps one of the most impressive things you had ever seen. The ceiling was adorned in those luxurious patterns you’d seen earlier and framed by paintings that contrasted strongly with the white of the walls. You looked up at the enormous glass chandeliers, asking yourself how it was possible that such beauty even existed. Who invented this place? 

The more you saw, the more impressive and overwhelming things became. The picture gallery certainly had its share of beauty, as for the Starhall and Marinesaal…well…you kind of ran out of words to describe those. 

“This place is…overwhelming…,” you said with awe. 

“Is it?” Gilbert asked with a smile. 

“Don’t tell me that you don’t think the same.” 

“It’s not overwhelming to me…but I do admire her beauty…every day again.” With those words he cast a look at you and smiled that beautiful smile he always gave you. 

You felt how your cheeks coloured a deep shade of red. 

*Time Skip

After hours and hours of walking, you finally reached the last part of the tour. The servant working and living quarters. They were located mainly in the basement and occupied a bigger part of the palace than you had first thought. The place really was a labyrinth with people hurrying from one place to another, carrying heavy-looking baskets, either filled with clothes or food. 

“Let’s introduce you to some people whom you might have to rely on in the future,” Gilbert said. 

He guided you into a big room, a kitchen you discovered. The people present immediately ceased whatever they had been doing and bowed in a respectable way. A rather stout man who was busying himself with the stove started to yell when he noticed that everyone around him stopped death in their tracks. 

“What the hell are you doing? There’s no time to take a pause! These plates won’t carry themselves up the stairs!” 

He looked up with a heated glare, but came face to face with Gilbert, whose mere appearance was enough to silence him. 

“My Lord, I did not expect to see you today.”

“Obviously not, no,” he said. “Don’t worry, though. I won’t inspect anything. I’m here to introduce my new servant to you.” 

The man sighed with relief, wiped a bit of sweat from his forehead and nodded in understanding. You stood behind Gilbert, whose figure hid you from most views, and watched him intently.   
He had to be in his late forties, going from his hair that was already turning a light shade of grey and the wrinkles that started to show under his eyes. He had an aura of authority around him, which made him look rather scary, but if you took a better look at his eyes, you saw the evidence of a kind character. 

“______________, this is Friedrich,” Gilbert said, while looking down at you with a smile. 

“Nice to meet you, sir,” you said, a bit shy. 

“My pleasure, miss.” 

“As you’ve probably noticed…Friedrich is head of the cooking team. Breakfast, lunch and dinner…all those things are his division.” 

“It sure is….I’m having my hands full with it,” the man said with a smirk. “Is ________ already familiar with the system?” 

“No, but that’s fine. I’ll explain it to her afterwards,” Gilbert said. “In fact…I just wanted her to meet some other people. Being locked up in the royal quarters all day won’t do her much good.”

You looked up at him, actually surprised that he had thought about that part of your well-being. 

“I see. Well…if you ever feel like talking or if you need help, miss __________, then don’t hesitate to visit me. Not during breakfast, lunch or supper though…” 

“Thank you, Friedrich,” you said with a thankful smile. 

“Sure, no problem at all, miss.” 

Gilbert nodded goodbye and guided you out of the kitchen. When you were out of the sight of the kitchen staff, you grabbed his arm, bringing him to an abrupt halt. He shifted his eyes back to you, making it clear that you had his full attention. 

“Thank you...for doing this…that’s very…thoughtful of you.” 

“As much as I hate to share you, my dear…I can’t deny the fact that a human-being needs social contact.” 

“Share me, huh? Have you already become that attached to my presence?” you joked. 

He didn’t respond to that with words, instead he sent you one of his smiles. 

“Come on, there’s someone else I’d like you to meet.”


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

Gilbert guided you through the maze that was known as the servant quarters. You had entered the place only a few minutes ago, but it already felt like hours. Every corridor looked so…identical. How were the servants even able to find their way back to their own rooms? 

You wondered who the person was Gilbert was so keen to introduce you to. Was it a he or a she? A young or an older person? The fact that you didn’t know it, made you somewhat nervous, but then again…had you ever had a real reason to be nervous before? All those other times where you had been, seemed ridiculous and stupid now. 

Gilbert stopped before a small wooden door. You stared at it, as if it would tell you what kind of person lived behind those secure walls. But the only thing you observed were the scratches on its smooth surface, engraved deeply within, with an unevenness that was typical for things that had stand the test of time. 

Gilbert knocked, the noise clearly audible throughout the silent corridors. You listened intently, trying to distinguish the different sounds that came from behind the door. The door swung open and a young woman appeared in the doorway. She was a downright beauty with long, light blond hair, framing a lovely face laced with a paleness that gave her an angel-like appearance. A pair of vivid grey eyes focused on you, a hint of incomprehension in their silver depths. It immediately disappeared when she noticed the presence of Gilbert. A light smile formed on her lips and enlightened her eyes even more than nature had done before. You didn’t like the look she gave him. It was far too friendly. 

“Good afternoon, Gretchen,” Gilbert said with a smile. “I hope I am not disturbing you?” 

“No, not at all, Gilbert. I’ve just finished feeding Ebbe. Would you like to come in?” 

Gilbert? you thought, feeling a bit disturbed by her informality. Who was this woman? And why was she allowed to call him by his first name? 

“If you don’t mind…I’d like to introduce you to my new servant.” 

“Then by all means,” she said, while stepping aside so that you two could walk in. You followed him while feeling a little ill at ease. 

The room was rather small and sombre, with no notable features. The only thing you noticed was how lifeless and grey everything was. Oh, how hard and monotone life had to be in this colourless prison. 

The woman, Gretchen, walked over to a small crib in the corner of the room. She reached down and lifted a little baby from it. The little one started to giggle and wave his hands, saying things that sounded like total gibberish. He was beautiful really. 

Gretchen smiled down at him and then looked up at Gilbert with an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry…If I leave him alone too long, he starts to cry.” 

Ebbe, who was obviously aware that she was talking about him, started to kick his legs, making some weird squeal-noises while doing so. He looked at Gilbert and immediately reached out to him.   
Gilbert sent him a smile and took him over from Gretchen, who didn’t seem to mind at all. 

“Hello there, trouble,” he said, while holding him close to his chest. The baby laughed, his big, grey eyes filled with joy and his little hands eagerly reached out to touch his face. He managed to grasp a lock of his silver hair, tugging lightly. Gilbert succeeded in prying his small hand loose before any damage could be done. 

“Someone certainly is happy to see you,” Gretchen said. “Perhaps you can calm him down a bit. He’s has a bit of a bad mood today.” 

“Well…that’s not awesome, is it?” He said while tapping the little one’s nose. Ebbe looked at him with those big eyes; his giggling had ceased, as if he was aware that Gilbert was talking to him. He was listening. 

You kept yourself in the background. It felt as if you were somewhere high in the sky, watching something you weren’t even supposed to watch. This was quite personal and you…well…you didn’t belong here. The more you thought about it, the more you were sure of that. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Gretchen said, as if reading your thoughts. “I’m so busy that I totally forgot about your guest. Please, forgive me.” Those last words were directed at you. The woman stared at you with the same big eyes Ebbe had, begging you not to be angry. 

“Uh…it’s not a problem,” you said, a bit surprised. 

Gretchen sent you a grateful smile and said: “Well, Gilbert. Aren’t you going to introduce us?” 

“Of course I’m going to…that’s why we’re here, right?” he said, while moving Ebbe to his other shoulder. “Gretchen, this is ______________, _________________, this is Gretchen.” 

“Nice to meet you, _______________,” she said with a smile that could light up the entire world.

“Nice to meet you too,” you said, adding a smile to it as well, but it didn’t originate from the well in your heart. You couldn’t bring up to be that cordial. There was no good reason to not like the woman…and you knew it…you even felt guilty about it…and yet…it felt as if it was a wall you simply could not pass. Something invisible, deep inside your heart had built a barrier between the two of you. 

“Have you talked to the other servants yet?” Gretchen didn’t seem to be aware of your internal struggle…on the contrary…it almost seemed as if she was looking forward to getting to know you better. 

“I have…I talked to Friedrich…well…more or less…,” you added when Gilbert raised an eyebrow at you. You hadn’t exactly put up a conversation, but still…

“Ah, I know what you mean…he may look a bit scary, but he’s actually a very nice man,” she said with a tone of reassurance.

“I see,” you responded…not knowing what you could possibly say more about the man. You turned your attention back to Gilbert, who still carried Ebbe. The little boy had fallen asleep during your short talk with Gretchen and was currently residing in the world of dreams. His small head rested on Gilbert’s shoulder and tiny fingers firmly clung to the fabric of his uniform. 

“You actually managed to put him to sleep,” Gretchen said, sounding a bit impressed. “How?” 

Gilbert shrugged, yet careful enough not to wake Ebbe. 

“Perhaps he was just tired of wailing all the time,” he said.

“Or perhaps he just likes you,” Gretchen said with a smile. “I know he does.” Gilbert smiled back at her, a warm and sincere smile. It made your heart sink in sorrow. Did he…like her?

Gilbert noticed that you were unusually quiet. He locked his eyes with yours, carefully scanning your face for something that would explain that silence.

Gretchen must have felt the awkward tension between you and Gilbert, for she started to act awkward herself. She clasped her hands together, moved her head around as if she was searching for something and then said: “I just remember that there’s this little thing I have to tell Maria about. Can you please stay here until I come back? I don’t want Ebbe to be alone.” 

Gilbert nodded and Gretchen left without another word. The moment she was gone, Gilbert turned around to face you. 

“What’s wrong, ____________?” 

“Nothing.” 

“You’re lying.” 

“No…I’m not.” 

“Then why are you so abnormally silent?” 

“I’m just scared that I’ll wake him up,” you said with a nod to the baby. It was a lie and he knew it. You could see it in his eyes…it was as clear as day and night. And yet, he said nothing about it. You wondered why that was. 

“He’s fast asleep,” he said while glancing at the boy. “Don’t you want to hold him?” 

“No, thanks,” you said a little bit too fast. 

“Why not?” he asked with a frown. 

Not that you detested the boy, no…you just weren’t too fond of babies in general. They were so…breakable and fragile…so innocent. The thought that you could possibly hurt him made you feel sick. 

“I’m just scared that I’ll hurt him…involuntarily,” you said, while looking at the baby. He looked so serene, so at ease with Gilbert…you didn’t want to disturb that. 

“You won’t,” he said with a reassuring smile. 

You sighed in defeat. Gilbert carefully moved the boy from his arms to yours. His little head rested against the crook of your arm and elbow and you held him really close to your chest, just to make sure that he wouldn’t fall. The idea alone scared you to death. This was someone else’s child…someone you barely knew…

“There you go…not as difficult as you thought, right?” 

“No…not that difficult,” you said absent-mindedly, while looking at the baby. He made some cute noises in his sleep, moving his small hands up and down. It really softened your heart to see something like that. Such young life, resting in your arms. 

Gilbert smiled at you and said: “Tell me, ___________. What do you think of Gretchen?” 

“She’s…” God…what was she? “…lovely.” 

“You hesitated.”

“I didn’t.” That was a lie. 

“You don’t like her?” 

“I didn’t say that.” 

“Not explicitly, no,” he stated with a shake of the head. “Mind to share your thoughts with me?” 

“Gilbert, please…I’m not lying or hesitating or whatsoever,” you said a bit annoyed, wishing that he would already stop asking about it. He was making it incredibly difficult for you. 

“I’m just curious,” he said with a grin. “Gretchen is a good-tempered person…a bit shy perhaps…but quite the lovely one. If you don’t like her, then there must be a good reason for it.” 

You stared at him, knowing that sooner or later you would have to confess to him as to why you didn’t like Gretchen. It didn’t have anything to do with her personality, no…from what you could see, she was a perfectly lovable person and you didn’t doubt the fact that she would prove to be a good friend.

And yet…you couldn’t like her. Deep down you knew why you couldn’t. The reason was carved into your breast and onto the deepest part of your consciousness, wanting you to recognize its existence, screaming for you to admit that it was there. 

And that…that you couldn’t…for recognizing it took a great deal of courage. Courage to overcome the doubts that haunted you, courage to face it and its consequences of allowing it into your life. You weren’t ready for it and thus you did what you always did when feeling cowardly…you searched a way out. 

“Gilbert, I’ve already told you that I haven’t said anything that suggests that I don’t like her.”

“Let me tell you something, ____________,” he said, his voice dropping a few tones, “I don’t believe you. Why don’t you just give in already?” 

Oh, how you would love to give in. 

You bit your lip and looked up into his ruby eyes, which shone brighter than ever before. There was something mischievous in them, some kind of promise, which only made you feel more uncomfortable. 

You tried to think of something to say, but you just couldn’t come up with anything sensible. Luckily for you, Gretchen had decided to return that very moment. She walked in, took in the situation and asked if she was disturbing something important. 

“No, my dear, you aren’t interrupting anything” Gilbert said, while casting a sideways glance at you. He narrowed his eyes at you, the corner of his mouth crept up in a sly smile, as if to say: “This isn’t over yet, Liebe.” You just stared at him, daring him to continue. 

“I see Ebbe is still asleep,” Gretchen interrupted. 

You looked at the sleeping baby in your arms. The little one had slept through the whole discussion, not once had he given a sign of being awake. You carefully returned him to Gretchen, who put him back in his crib. 

“Well…I guess it’s time for us to return to the royal quarters,” Gilbert said. “I still have some work to do.”

“That’s a pity…I wished you would stay longer,” Gretchen said with a sad smile. “But then again, who am I to keep you from important things?”

“Don’t say that, Gretchen. You know that you’re important as well,” Gilbert said, after which he kissed her forehead. You cringed at the gesture, feeling how a strange wave of anger hit you. You tried to keep it inside, tried to freeze it within your heart. 

The look Gilbert shot you, a glance of amused red, was enough to convince you of it. He knew how you felt…and he was playing it out. He wanted to see what you were going to do. 

Well, one of the things you surely weren’t going to do was to give him that pleasure. Even if it meant that you would have to run to hell, your own personal hell inside your heart, and back.   
You smiled sweetly at him, saying as much as: “The game is on.” After that, you turned to Gretchen and bid her farewell. 

“It was nice meeting you, __________,” she said with a smile. “You should come by more often.” 

“I’ll try to visit you as soon as possible,” you said. You didn’t know whether it was a lie or not…you had yet to think about it. 

*Time skip

The way back to the royal quarters was a silent one. You refused to say something, feeling bad-tempered after what had happened downstairs. Gilbert walked by your side, silent as death himself. Now and then he would look at you, as if to check whether you were still angry. 

You reached the staircase that led to the royal quarters. It was enormous to say at least and every time you mounted it, it felt as if there was no end to it. This time was no different.   
When you finally reached the top, your eye fell on a large wooden door, flanked by two massive marble eagles that casted their intimidating glares on you. You didn’t remember seeing that door, but then again…you had never paid a lot of attention the moment after having crawled up the stairs. You had been too tired to do that. 

“What’s behind that door?” you asked. Going from the size of it, you guessed the room to be important. Why hadn’t Gilbert told you about it? He had shown you almost every room in the palace…why would he leave this one out? 

“Nothing you should know about, Liebling,” he said. It was clear that he didn’t want to dwell on the subject, for he seemed all too eager to get away from it. You grabbed his arm to prevent him from doing so. 

“Gilbert, what is so secret that you can’t tell me?” 

He looked at your hand, then back at your face.

“Just let it go, ___________. Being persistent will do you no good.” 

“Can you at least give me a hint of what’s behind it?” you asked, pretending as if you hadn’t heard those last words. 

“No,” he answered. 

“But…”

Gilbert moved closer to you, almost backing you up against one of the eagles. He looked down on you with those ruby eyes, staring right into your very soul. In that liquid red you saw everything that had once scared you, every sign of why you still had that eerie feeling deep down, but also everything you liked about him. If eyes truly were the mirror of the soul, then Gilbert had an exceptional one. Damn, you were scared and fascinated at the same time. 

“Let’s put it this way, Liebling. I don’t want you to know what’s behind that door because it would have a rather…bad effect on your life.” 

A bad effect on your life? Where did you hear something similar to that? 

The conversation between him and Ludwig. 

It had been pushed to the back of your mind because of the tour. And you would have probably forgotten about it if his words hadn’t remind you of it. 

“Are you threatening me, Gilbert?” you asked, while narrowing your eyes at him. 

“Of course not, my dear,” he said, his voice seductively low. He slowly raised a hand and caressed your cheek. For a moment you honestly forgot how to breath. “I’m just trying to warn you.” 

He seemed honest enough. It was all over his eyes. 

“So please…for once…just listen to me.”

A pout crept onto your lips. You didn’t like this…you didn’t like that he was hiding something from you. It felt as if you were missing out on something really important. Especially after what he had said just now…about it possibly having a negative effect on your life. What did you have to do with this? Would you be an unwelcome witness if you discovered it? 

Hmmm…that would be too strange, wouldn’t it? If this was the same topic he and Ludwig had been talking about, then there was reason to believe that they cared about you having a free choice in it. Did that mean that Gilbert was taking that choice away from you? Was he playing on the save side by not telling you? 

The theories flooded your mind, but nothing seemed plausible enough. It was driving you crazy…so utterly insane. 

Gilbert watched you with curious eyes. You looked away. Your mind was reeling, thousand thoughts a second were racing through your head. You wanted to know this secret…you needed to know…but on the other side, you really didn’t want to. You didn’t want to feel this pain, the pain of your head bursting. You had to find a way out of it. A way to forget this…a way to let go. 

“You’re driving me crazy, you know,” you said in a soft voice. 

He sent you a small smile, bent forward and pressed his lips to your forehead. 

“That’s only fair,” he mumbled. “You’re doing exactly the same to me.” 

He pulled away and shot you a smile. After that he turned away and started walking towards the quarters. 

“Coming, Liebling?” he called.

You sighed and followed him.


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8

You slowly opened the door and entered the room. It was more of a parlour really, given the size of the place. You looked around, your eye catching sight of the enormous paintings and the big mirror which hung above the hearth. 

“It’s quite impressive, isn’t it?” 

You turned your head in the direction of the familiar voice. Ludwig was sitting at a table at the end of the room. His head leaning on his hand and his crystal blue eyes focused on you. 

“It is,” you responded while walking towards him. “But then again, everything in this place is impressive.” 

“That’s true, miss_________,” he agreed, while briefly looking up at the ceiling. A silence fell between you. Ludwig stared at you, as if he was expecting you to say something, but you remained death silent. What were you supposed to say? You looked at your hands in your lap, hoping that this wouldn’t become too awkward. 

“So…how are you?” he finally asked. 

Was he really asking you how you were?

“Uh…fine, I guess. You?” 

“Fine as well.” You noticed how a slight blush appeared on his cheeks. “Uh…shall we play chess? Or do you prefer something else?” 

“You’re the master, Ludwig. You can choose.” 

“But…I’d like to hear your opinion.” 

You smiled at him. When it came to terms of consideration, there wasn’t much difference between him and his brother. 

“Chess it is, then,” you said. 

Ludwig practically jumped from his chair, ran to the other side of the room and returned with a chessboard and a little casket filled with marble chess pieces. You took one out of the casket and turned it around in your hands. The piece was really detailed and you thought about how long it must have taken to make it. Hours of craftsmanship. 

“These are beautiful,” you said in admiration. 

“My brother and I made them,” Ludwig said while preparing the chessboard. The way he said it, made it sound as if that was a very normal thing to do. 

“You made these?” The surprise was clearly audible in your voice. 

“Yes.” He looked up, his eyes locked with yours. “Don’t you believe me?”

“I do…it’s just…wow…you and Gilbert are really talented.” 

Ludwig gave you one of his rare genuine smiles. 

“I guess my brother has already told you this but…my health is quite poor. I often have to remain in bed all day long…so I have to keep myself busy. I once came up with this idea…brother helped me with it.” 

“That’s…nice of him, I guess,” you said, while scratching the back of your neck. 

“He’s annoying sometimes,” Ludwig said absent-minded, “but without him…I would be nothing.”

Why did it feel as if there was some more meaning to those words?

You rested your head on your hand and carefully observed the boy as he arranged the last pieces on the board. There was something really distinct about him. But you still weren’t able to put your finger on it. Was it the look in his eyes? Those orbs of blue fire? You couldn’t tell. Both Beilschmidt brothers were an absolute mystery to you.

“I think you wouldn’t do bad on your own, Ludwig. You’re pretty grown-up for your age.” 

“I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be able to survive without him. I’m trying to tell you that I would simply not exist without him.” 

“That I don’t understand.” You said with a frown.

“No…I thought you wouldn’t.” 

“You guys seriously have a thing with riddles. It’s all you ever say.” 

“What makes you say so?” He looked up, focusing his ice-blue eyes on you. Both of you had already started the game without being really conscious of it. 

“Well…all those secrets I cannot know about.” 

“Like what?” 

Here you had to be very careful with what you said. If you mentioned something they had talked about, Ludwig would know that you had eavesdropped on their conversation. 

“Well…that big door at the end of the stairs? What’s behind it?” 

Ludwig paled a bit (if that was even possible, for he was already as pale as snow itself). He looked away and nervously moved a piece across the checkboard. 

“Sorry, ___________. I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because he made me promise that I wouldn’t tell you.”

You mentally sighed. Gilbert was really trying his best to keep whatever was in that damn room hidden from you. 

“You know…it feels as if I’m being excluded from something really important. I know that I’m not supposed to meddle in things that do not concern me…but…this…he said it himself…he said that knowing the truth would have a bad effect on my life.” 

“Did he really say it that way?” Ludwig asked, while raising an eyebrow. 

“Yes, why?” 

“I don’t know…it’s just…,” he smiled to himself, as if he remembered something really funny. “Never mind.” 

You sighed. This wasn’t going to help you any further either. 

“It’s not fair,” you said, while leaning backwards and crossing your arms over your chest.   
Ludwig stared at you; his brows knitted together and his eyes betrayed some guilt.

“Why do I get the idea that you won’t let go of this?” 

“Because I won’t let go of this,” you said with emphasis on the ‘I won’t’. 

He sighed, scratched his chin and said: “You won’t get far, then. He wears the key around his neck.” 

Okay, that you hadn’t expected. It was an obstacle on your way to the truth, an obstacle you would have to deal with sooner or later. God, how would you ever be able to get that key?   
Ludwig rested his head on his hand. He was observing you, as if to see how you would react to that little piece of knowledge. 

“Well…that’s unfortunate. Seems like I’ll have to give up then,” you said. Not for a moment did you really think about doing so. 

Ludwig only smiled. He turned his attention back to the game and moved one of the pieces forward. You decided to focus on the chessboard as well. You would have plenty of time afterwards to think about this little dilemma.

After fifteen minutes of chess, it became clear that you would win. It was quite a surprise to you, since Ludwig was an advanced player and you were…well…not that advanced. Or so you thought.

“Checkmate,” you said softly, so that you wouldn’t sound too arrogant. 

 

“You’re good at this,” Ludwig said with admiration. “You’re as good as big brother.” 

“Well, seems like I’ve been replaced,” a familiar voice whispered in your ear. You jumped up, surprised by his proximity and fell of your chair, landing ungracefully on the floor. 

“Did you really have to do that?” you asked while sending him a sour look. 

He lent on your chair and watched you in amusement. 

“Of course I had too.” 

“Are you okay, _________________?” Ludwig asked. He jumped off his chair and tried to help you up.

You really admired the effort he put into it. Overall, it was a cute gesture. 

“I’m fine, Ludwig,” you said, rewarding him with a smile. “Perhaps you can serve as an example for your older brother. He doesn’t seem to care very much.” 

“Oh, but I do care, dear. It’s just that sometimes…I can’t help myself. You’re quite amusing when surprised,” he snickered. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” you said a bit irritated, while waving your hand at him, as if that would prevent him from saying anything else. 

“You’re done with your work, brother?” Ludwig asked, trying to change the subject. 

“There’s always more work to be done, little brother. But I’ve had enough for today.” 

“Don’t tell me you are tired already,” you said with a mocking voice, mimicking the words he had said to you earlier this day. 

“Administration wears you out, dear. I’d like to see you do it for more than two hours.” 

“I’d gladly do it,” you countered. “If it helps my country any further, that is.”

“If it helps my country any further,” he repeated while sinking down on what had been your chair.

“Tell me, ______________. Are you a patriot?” 

“I don’t know,” you stated. “I mean…I like my country…Prussia is a great power and I think all Prussians should do their best to keep it that way, but…that’s it really.” 

He looked at you in silence and then turned his gaze towards his little brother, who had been listening attentively. They exchanged silent glances; you got the feeling that they were telling each other a lot more than appeared. 

“That does kind of make you a patriot,” Ludwig said, while leaning his head on his hand. “Which is a good thing.” He added quickly when you raised an eyebrow. “Mind if I ask you something? It’s a bit stupid, but…” 

“I don’t mind. Ask me,” you said while crossing your arms. 

“My brother and I had this silly dispute earlier…” Gilbert shot him a look, as if to say ‘what dispute’? 

“…we were arguing about this one question…like I said…it was kind of stupid…”

“Let’s not beat around the bush, Ludwig.” 

“Yes, indeed. The question was: if Prussia was a person, what would he be like?” 

Gilbert’s face fell. It was absolutely hilarious to you. You snickered a bit. 

“I don’t know,” you said, while looking at Gilbert, “I guess he would look an awful lot like you.” 

That had him even more surprised. He turned his head towards you, staring at you as if he didn’t quite believe what you had just said. 

"What?" you asked as you started to feel a bit uncomfortable. Did you say something wrong or...

"And there's the irony," Ludwig said with a small smile in the direction of his brother. 

"How do you mean?" You asked confused. 

"Nothing, ____________. Just something between me and my brother," Gilbert said, while turning his head towards you. 

You nodded, not fully believing him. 

An awkward silence fell upon the three of you.

"So...is there anything you need me to do," you asked, only to make the awkwardness disappear. 

"Yes, actually, there is. Go ask Eric to prepare me a bath...please," he added with a smile.

"Okay, I can do that, I guess," you still weren't that familiar with the system. But finding this Eric probably wouldn't be too much of a challenge. You went on your way, searching throughout the halls outside the royal quarters. Eric spent most of his day out there, obeying the biddings of his masters and mistresses. Who those masters and mistresses where you did not know...this place was huge and - at times- housed more than one noble family. 

It didn't take too long before you found him. Or at least you supossed it was him. You hadn't actually met the guy before. You slowly approached him.

"Uh...Eric?" 

He immediately turned around, seemingly startled. 

"Yes?" 

"I'm sorry to startle you," you said with a apologizing smile. "I'm ______________, servant of the Beilschmidt brothers." 

"Oh, that's okay, miss______________. No problem, not at all," he said with a smile. 

You took a closer look at him. He was quite a handsome guy, probably in his mid-twenties, with black hair, sky-blue eyes and a muscular figure. He reminded you of your brother, who carried more or less the same features. You swallowed. The memory of your brother brought back a painful feeling in your heart. It had been a long time since you'd last seen him. Would he have changed much? Would he and Lotte, his lovely wife, be fine? 

Eric scratched the back of his head and said: "Is there anything you need me to do?" The question got you out of your daydream-trance. 

"Yes," you said. "Can you fill the bath in the royal quarters?" 

"Of course I can," he said with a smile. "I'll be back in half an hour." 

"Great," you said, supposing that Gilbert would be able to wait that long. You watched as he went off to do his job. You yourself stayed behind, alone in a part of the palace you weren't that familiar with. Perhaps it would be better if you returned to the bathroom and arranged some towels and stuff.

*Time skip

It didn't take too long before Eric showed up with the first kettle of boiling hot water. It seemed tough…carrying that heavy thing. Did he really bring it all the way up here? You didn't know...most of the things here were still a mystery to you.

Eric poured the water into the bathtub, turned around and said that he would swiftly return with another kettle. You nodded absentmindedly, looking around a bit. Your eye fell on a closet, standing a bit lonely in the corner of the room, and walked towards it. You carefully opened one of the doors and discovered some small glass bottles with colourful substances. You grabbed one and turned it around in your hands. It had the colour of honey…some kind of dark orange. You took off the lid and sniffed. It had a very distinct but wonderful smell…a bit sweet…you didn’t know anything like it. 

When you took a second look at the bottle, you noticed the small paper that hung around it. 

“Foam”, it read. You frowned. Foam? What does that mean? 

Eric returned with the second kettle of water. He put down his load for a moment and asked: “Are you looking for something?” 

“Not really, I came across this,” you said, while turning around and showing him the bottle. “It says ‘foam’. Any idea as to what it might be?” 

“Oh, that…they pour it into the bath. It gives off a smell and causes foam.” 

“Does it?” you asked, not really expecting an answer. 

“Yeah, the people here love it…one of the men once mentioned it. Said it came from some faraway country.”

“Really,” you mused. “I wonder how it works.” You hadn’t planned to say that out loud. 

“I’ll show you.” Eric said enthusiastically. He took the bottle from you and stalked towards the bathtub. You moved to stand next to him and watched as he put some of the liquid into the water.   
It didn’t do anything…no reaction whatsoever. 

“It’s not working,” you said, a bit disappointed. 

“That’s because you have to add some more water,” he explained, after which he lifted up the kettle and poured it out. 

Immediately a thick, white layer started to form. You watched in fascination as the white grew and grew and more and more bubbles rose on the surface of the water. 

“It smells really good,” you said. The fragrance was so powerful that you simply couldn’t ignore it. 

“It does, right?” Eric said with a smile in your direction. “Anyway…I should be going. I still have some work to do. See you later, ________________. Come find me if you need some more help.” 

“Thanks, Eric,” you said. He winked and left without another word.

You went back to your business, searching for some towels. It didn’t take too long before you found a few, in the other side of the closet. 

“You can give those to me, dear.” 

Your heart literally skipped a beat when you heard the familiar voice. You quickly turned around, only to be faced with Gilbert. He was staring at you, that intense, red stare he often gave you.   
“Yes, well…here you go,” you said, while trying to calm your breathing. You gave him the towels, planning to flee the room as quickly as possible. 

“Where are you going?” he asked when you started to walk away.

“Uh…isn’t that obvious…I’m leaving.” 

“Why?” 

“Because I’m not going to stay here while you take a bath.” 

“Why not?” 

Your cheeks turned a bright shade of red. “Are you kidding me?” 

“No,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’d love you to stay. Just talk to me.” 

There was not a single hint of a lie on his face, only sincerity. It confused you…it really confused you. Why couldn’t you just understand the man? 

“Uh…okay, then. But no games.” You added in a warning tone. 

“What games, Liebe?” he asked in an innocent tone, while walking towards the bathtub and putting one of the towels on the floor.

“You know damn good what games, Mr. Beilschmidt.” 

He grinned and started to unbutton his shirt. You put your hands up in a defensive way and said: “Ho, wait, don’t do that. Not when I’m looking anyway.” 

“What? Is it too much for you to take?” he asked with a cocky smirk. 

You blushed and scratched at the back of your head. You weren’t going to win this, were you?   
“You know what…I’ll just turn around.” 

“Fine with me,” he said while putting his arms above his head and stretching a bit. 

You did as you had said and counted to thirty. You estimated that it would more or less take him that long to get undressed…you really didn’t want to turn around before he was in that bath. Your heart simply would not survive that. The reassuring noise of splashing water confirmed your estimation…twenty-five seconds. Not bad. 

You turned around and crossed your arms, showing him that you didn’t really like this. You weren’t ready for the scene though. Gilbert in bath was quite a feast for the eyes. He must have known it himself, for the smile that he wore on his lips was that of a confident, no overly-confident, person.

“Like what you see?” 

“Actually, it makes me feel rather uncomfortable.” 

He laughed a bit and then motioned to a chair that stood next to the bath. Wait, a chair? How did it get there? 

You rolled your eyes. The guy was dead serious about this. 

You went to sit on the chair and stared at your hands, which you had neatly folded into your lap. You only did it to prevent your eyes from drifting to…dangerous places. 

“So…what kind of talk did you have in mind?” you asked, but only to put an end to the awkward silence that had taken over the two of you. 

“Suggestions?” he asked, while leaning his head on his hand. 

“Not really…this was your ridiculous idea, not mine.” 

“Good, I suggest we start where we left off this afternoon.” 

“No way,” you said quickly.

“Why not?” 

“Because I don’t want to talk about it, that is why.” Your voice grew defensive and a bit irritated. You couldn’t believe the persistence of this guy…he had an incredible talent to get on your nerves. 

“Forgot your own saying? Persistence will do you no good.” 

He frowned at you, looking a bit irritated by the fact that you had used his own words against him. It didn’t take long though, before he had a response ready. 

“I’m sorry, that saying doesn’t include me.” 

“You’re impossible,” you growled. 

“Only because you are being impossible as well, dear,” he said, after which he took a dive. You counted the seconds he stayed under the surface; they seemed to last for hours; hours in which your thoughts fought over your mind. Perhaps you had to tell him? Wouldn’t it be easier? But oh, where to start? 

Gilbert reappeared with a splash, taking a deep breath while doing so. 

“You know,” he said, while leaning his head back on his hand, “I’m only asking because whatever you are refusing to tell me, is making you…unhappy. And I simply can’t stand seeing you unhappy. So tell me…what’s wrong.” 

“You know what’s wrong,” you said, your voice shaking. 

“Gretchen…and Ebbe?” 

“Perhaps,” you crossed your arms and shot him a look. 

He laughed at your reaction; the same low, strange laugh you had heard the first time you met him.

“Are you by any chance…jealous, Liebling?” 

“No!” You yelled, but your heart immediately protested and told your mind to shut up. “Maybe…yes.”   
That last was added in a soft, almost inaudible whisper. 

“Good, now…let me tell you something. Just to make this clear for once and forever…there is nothing, I repeat, nothing, between me and Gretchen. And before you ask, no…Ebbe is not mine.” 

“Really?” you asked, a bit shocked about the truth. Your mind went dumb and your body was taken over by multiple feelings. You jumped from your chair, crossed your arms over your body and started to walk around in a restless way. It was so hard to try to act normal. He had just told you that he didn’t feel anything for Gretchen. Did that mean that…perhaps…he felt something for you? God, no…he couldn’t possibly feel the same as you did, could he? No…he was an aristocrat and you were just a stupid servant. There was no way that would ever happen. 

You walked over to the window and put your forehead against the cold, damp glass. The world outside just went on, while everything in your mind stood still, as if frozen in time. It felt as if you were living in some kind of haze. Oh, how you longed to break free from this. This feeling that drove you to the edge of insanity. 

You covered your face with your hands and cried silently. Your tears were hot, as if they carried the untold passion within them. They fell down, into oblivion.   
Suddenly you felt how your hands were moved away from your face, only to be replaced by the sight of Gilbert. Luckily for you, he was dressed…well…more or less.

“Why are you crying, Liebling?” 

“I don’t know,” you sniffed, while wiping a fresh tear away.

He lifted a hand and caressed your cheek, slowly tracing your jawline back to your chin. 

“I might…I…” The words were so hard to say out loud. 

“I might be in love with you,” he added with a small smile. “Good…for I’m in love with you as well.” And without another word, he pressed his lips to yours. You were surprised at first, shocked even by the sudden turn of events. How was it possible that he loved you? How could he love someone like you? But the questions were soon lost in the bliss of the kiss. The passion you had felt, which you had locked up ever so carefully, broke out like a wild animal from its cage. You wrapped your arms around his neck and answered the kiss in a passionate way, losing yourself completely in the softness of his lips. 

After what felt like hours –godly hours that was- you pulled away to take a breath. This was your first time kissing someone…you wouldn’t want it to be your last. 

Gilbert chuckled a bit and put his forehead against yours. Some drops from his wet hair fell on your face. 

“You get out of breath easily, my dear,” he said with a grin. “Looks like we’ll have to practice some more.”

Before you had time to react, he had pushed you against the wall, next to the window. His lips seized yours once again, literally taking your breath away. You parted your lips a bit, allowing him to explore your mouth. You moved your hands up to his hair, twirling it around your fingers and tugging lightly at it. This caused him to growl; a deep rumble resounded somewhere in his chest.

He moved his hands to your hips and lifted you up. The movement made you gasp for air and at first, made you feel a bit uncomfortable, but it didn’t take long before you got used to it. You hooked your legs around his waist and deepened the kiss. You shyly teased his tongue, not too sure of what you had to do. Without words you told him to take the lead, and that he did. You totally gave in to this new, intoxicating feeling that clouded your mind and which made the blood in your veins turn hot. The only thing you knew was how much you loved him and it was the only thing you wanted to know at that moment.

You nibbled a bit at his lower lip, you even bit down (not hard enough to hurt him though…for that you didn’t have enough courage). 

“Well, aren’t you a little lioness,” he mumbled against your lips, after which he put small kisses on your jaw, following the line of your neck towards your collarbone. 

You let out a small moan. He sucked a bit at the skin just above your collarbone and then returned his lips to those of yours. You answered with a hungry kiss. This was the moment where you came to a somewhat frightful realisation. You could no longer live without him, being parted from him would tear you apart…it honestly scared you…this dependence of your well-being. When did that happen? And how was it possible that it happened so fast? As if lightening had suddenly struck you and its bold of electricity was the only thing that kept you from dying. 

You broke apart and whispered in a hoarse voice: “I love you, Gil.” 

“I love you too, _________________. If only you knew how much.” 

“Show me then.” 

He chuckled and obviously planned to kiss you once more, when a loud knock interrupted your intimate moment. 

“Brother, are you in there? Why does it take you so long?” 

A short silence followed…you and Gilbert both held your breath, as if scared of being caught together. 

“Hello? Did you drown?” 

“I’m coming, Ludwig,” Gilbert shouted, a bit irritated. “Just go to your room already.” 

You heard a huff at the other side of the door and the sound of footsteps; leaving. 

Gilbert carefully put you down on the ground and kissed you one last time. 

“Will you sleep with me tonight, Liebling?” 

You coloured a bright shade of red at the straightforwardness of his question. Wasn’t this going a bit…fast? You didn’t know if you were ready to be…that intimate. 

“Uh…”

“I mean…next to me,” he corrected with a mischievous smile. 

“Uh…I…”

“I take that as a ‘yes’.” You wanted to protest, but that idea was soon lost, for he had once more seized your lips, making your body and mind go numb. 

“Okay,” you said, a little drunk from the kiss.

“Good, till then, Liebling.” 

And with those words he left you alone. You sunk back against the wall and pulled your knees to your chest. The feeling that nestled itself into your heart was so warm and comforting, that you never wanted to let go of it again. This was love…and you could no longer imagine a life without it...


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

This was a very bad idea. That was the only thing you could think of when you found yourself standing before the door to Gilbert’s room.

Perhaps you had reacted to impulsive on his request…perhaps you should tell him that you had changed your mind…but…was that what you really wanted? Did you really want to ruin it now?   
You bit your lip and lifted a hand to knock. The noise sounded very loud in the sound-deprived hall. But the silence soon returned, for it remained unanswered. Questions started to cloud your mind.

If he wasn’t in there, then where did he go?

A nervous feeling found its way up to your heart and painfully pulled at its strings. What if this was just a joke? What if he didn’t love you? 

You had been a bit quick in admitting your love for him…after all…you had only known each other for a few days. What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if he was just playing around? 

You shook your head, mumbling to yourself that he wouldn’t do anything like that. 

You fumbled with the hem of your nightwear, feeling strangely vulnerable. Although the quarters were as good as deserted most of the time, you did not like to stand here that way. What if someone saw you? What would they think? 

“You look beautiful, Liebling. But then again, you always do.” 

You turned around to face Gilbert, not that surprised that he had managed to sneak up on you…again. 

He moved past you with a small smile and opened the door. You quietly followed him, feeling highly uncomfortable with the situation. 

Gilbert’s room was pretty much how you had imagined it to be. Clean as a whistle and adjusted to his personality. In terms of architecture it resembled yours and Ludwig’s room, but its interior was way more organized. Everything had its own place, not a single thing would stand out. The guy obviously needed structure in his life. 

You glanced around a bit, but felt too shy to say anything about it. What was there to say really?   
You stared at the ground, at your cold feet, everywhere…except at him. 

Suddenly…a pair of warm hands cupped your face, gently lifting it. 

“Why do you look as if I’m going to beat you, dear?” Gilbert asked, his eyes a bit worried.

Did it really look that way? Was it that bad? You nervously started to pick at your fingers. How to put this feeling into words? 

“I…Gil…do you love me?” 

He frowned, obviously confused by what you had just asked. 

“Of course I do…I told you an hour ago, remember?” 

“Yes, I know, but…I mean…are you sure about it?” 

A look of understanding passed through his ruby eyes and before you even realized it, he had caught you in a tight embrace. 

“You doubt the sincerity of my feelings.” 

“Not the sincerity…it’s just…,” you sighed in exhaustion. “We’ve only known each other for a few days. I’m sure about my feelings…I am. But I don’t want you to return them if you don’t feel the same. Aren’t we…I don’t know… going a bit too fast?” 

“Someone once told me that a human life’s too short to doubt your feelings,” he mumbled into your hair, practically ignoring your question. “I ought to believe the man. I’m in love or I am not...for me…there’s nothing in between.”

“Love at first sight, really?” you asked with disbelief. 

He laughed. It sounded incredibly loud in the silent room. 

“You really find it that hard to believe that someone would love you the first time he saw you?”

“Actually…yes.” 

“Poor girl. You really need more confidence.” 

“Do lend me some of yours then.” 

He chuckled a bit; you felt it vibrating through his chest, and kissed you on the forehead. 

“You’re freezing, Liebe,” he noticed when he held you like that. He was right…you were freezing out here. “Come on, you need some warmth.” 

He guided you towards the bed, pulled back the covers and let you take place in it. You nestled between them, feeling strangely comfortable. It felt as if you were lying on a cloud…and yet, despite that, it could not make the cold disappear. It had engraved itself into your skin, freezing the blood in your veins. 

Gilbert came to lie beside you and eyed you carefully; a mischievous glint could be seen in the red of his eyes. Before you even knew it, you were trapped in his arms with your head tucked under his chin. You felt how your cheeks turned as red as a tomato; a flash of warmth surged through your body, scaring the cold away. 

You would have welcomed the warmth…if you had not been that distracted by Gilbert…more specifically…by his naked chest. Really, Gil. What’s the use of a shirt when it’s unbuttoned? Doesn’t really help against the cold, does it? 

“Is that your usual sleeping attire?” you asked, a bit suspicious. 

“Yes,” you could practically feel the smile on his lips. “Does it make you feel uncomfortable?” 

You shifted a bit in his arms, trying to regain some of your personal space. 

“Perhaps. What if it does?” 

“Then I guess you’ll have to deal with it, dear.”

“That…or I could just leave.” 

“Good luck in trying that,” he said mockingly, while strengthening his grasp on your body. “I don’t want you anywhere else but next to me.” 

“You’re so possessive.” 

“Oh, and you don’t like that?”

You sighed and relaxed in his arms. “I don’t know.” 

Actually that was a lie…you had already made up your mind about the subject. Your conclusion? That it felt nice to be so wanted. You had never known the love of a man before…and yes…you felt a bit insecure about certain things…but…wasn’t that how it was supposed to go? 

“I was only joking, Liebling,” Gilbert said when you remained silent. “If you feel uncomfortable, then you have to tell me…I...” 

“It’s okay, Gil,” you whispered, after which you draped an arm around his waist, kissed him and rested your head back on his chest. “I wouldn’t dream of leaving.” 

He chuckled and kissed you on your head. 

“You’re warm,” you said, while snuggling closer to him. Your own personal fire, melting the ice in your veins and thawing the thoughts of frozen doubt. 

You had been right from the start...that moment where you had thought this to be love. You had been absolutely right. After all…how could this not be love? If it felt this good, then it had to be, right? 

There was no further reason to doubt this heartwarming feeling. God, why had you even doubted it in the first place? 

“I love you, Gil. I’m sure I do.” 

He laughed at that and said: “I love you too, _________________.” 

You smiled contently , closed your eyes and drifted away in a deep sleep. 

*Timeskip

You looked around the clearly lit room. The light was dazzling, making it nearly impossible for you to see something. You moved a hand above your eyes, trying to make out something that wasn’t white. That was the moment where the whole room started to change colours. White, blue, green, orange,…you stared at it in confusion. What was this place? How did you end up here? 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a strange sensation passed through you. It felt really light…almost non-existent. It was the sort of feeling you got when someone was standing near you. You turned around, expecting someone to be behind you. There was no-one though. 

The presence…if you could call it that, remained. As if something was trying to reach out to you, but did not succeed in it. 

“Hello?” you called out, not really expecting someone to answer. Yet…the thing that happened only a few seconds later you had not expected either. 

Out of the blue, a vague figure appeared, stretching out something that looked like a hand. You stared at it, scrunching your eyes, hoping that it would enable you to see better. 

The figure looked like…a woman? 

“Please…help him…save him…” a soft voice rang through the air. It was nothing more than a whisper, like the voice of air itself. 

As quick as it had come, the figure started to fade away again. 

“Wait, come back! Who are you talking about?” You forced your legs to move, but it was useless. The woman had disappeared into thin air. 

You gasped and shot up, abruptly freeing yourself from Gilberts gasp while doing so. You panted, a layer of sweat covered your body, and chills ran down your spine. 

The sudden movement had awoken Gilbert. 

“_____________? What are you doing?” He asked sleepily, while sitting up straight and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” You said as tears were already rolling down your cheeks. 

“What’s wrong?” Gilbert asked worriedly, while pulling you towards him and holding you like a little child. 

“I don’t know…I had this…really strange dream. It wasn’t that scary…but for some reason…it upset me.” 

You sobbed into his shoulder, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent. 

All the while, he soothingly rubbed your back, drawing circles and twirling some locks of your hair around his finger. It calmed you down a bit. 

“It’s just a dream, dear.” 

He was right. It was just a dream. Nothing special…just an ordinary dream about a not so ordinary figure. Damn, this wasn’t going to work. You just couldn’t convince yourself of its unimportance…you couldn’t discard it that easily…not like you had done with all your other dreams. 

Something was off about this particular one. This wasn’t just a fabrication of your tired mind. Someone had really reached out for you…had tried to ask you for help. But why?   
The figure had said something about saving someone…but who could she possibly mean? Who did you have to save? Could it be…

You shifted your position a bit, moving your arms around Gilbert’s torso and grabbing his shirt in an unconscious movement, as the idea started to seep into your mind.

Could it be him?


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

 

Days passed into weeks and weeks into months. Time flew by in utter silence. It had been a month and two weeks since the dream. You knew, because you had counted the days ever since. There had not been a day without you thinking about it…nor of you thinking about whatever it was Gilbert was hiding from you. Yes, you had not forgotten about that either…it had been nagging you every time you let your mind free for a moment. However, those where not the only things that had kept you busy during the time passing. In that month, you and Gilbert had grown very close…closer than you had already been that is. Ever since the night he had invited you to sleep next to him, you had not once slept in your own bed. The warmth of his arms was just to pleasant…there was no place you had rather be. 

That’s why you had vowed to yourself that you would learn the truth about the dream. You were quite sure the woman-whoever she was- had meant him. You had to help him…save him somehow. But from what? What could possibly be threatening him? 

You didn’t know…but you were sure to find out. You just knew it…deep inside your heart. And when that time came…you would fight for him. You would move heaven and earth to keep him safe. You knew that much. 

Now…for that other thing…the problem of Gilbert hiding something…well…destiny had decided to help you a bit. 

You had been sleeping for some time, when a soft noise awoke you from your slumber. There was someone at the door! You could hear the soft tud of footsteps. Light and careful. You looked at Gilbert, who was a deep sleeper and who continued to sleep undisturbed. You carefully freed yourself from his grasp and moved to the side of the bed. Gilbert stirred in his sleep, which made you hold your breath for a second. For some reason, you felt that this was something he should not know about. The moment you were sure that he wasn’t going to wake up, you jumped out of the bed and walked towards the door. You put your ear against it, but you didn’t hear anything. Whoever had been there, had surely left by now. 

You slowly opened the door and put your head through to take a look. There was no-one to be seen. Perhaps someone had just passed by? 

A shining object suddenly caught your attention. It was lying on the floor, right before your feet. You bent down and picked it up. It was a key. 

You turned it around in your hands, studying its features. It was a small thing, made of silver and…

Oh...  
Realization struck you when you saw the eagle on top of it. The Prussian eagle. You had seen the key before! 

It was the one Gilbert wore around his neck. The key to his secret…the thing you did not dare to touch. 

Ludwig had told you that he wore it around his neck. You had noticed he did, but you had never dared to ask him about it…not after the so supposed warning.

Gott, this was your chance. 

You threw a look over your shoulder; Gilbert was still sound asleep. It was now or never. You moved back inside to fetch a small paraffin lamp that stood on one of the cabinets and made your way towards the mysterious room. 

The dark of the halls creeped you out , as did the lions that flanked the door to the room…their savage faces looked as if they were on to you. 

You gulped and quickly put the key in the keyhole. It fit! Your heart started to beat faster. This was it. You turned the key around, till you heard a soft click and moved inside. 

You had expected a lot of things, but this you had not expected. The room was enormous, just like every other room in the palace. It was divided into two floors, with an elegant staircase leading up to the second level. Although beautiful, it wasn’t very special. 

No, what was special were the thousands and thousands of books. They were literally everywhere. In bookcases that stood along the wall or across the room, in glass casings, in neat piles,…everywhere. 

You stared upon it in awe. This had to be some kind of library. Probably the biggest you had ever seen in your life. You slowly moved around, lightening up some of the darker spaces of the room. Why had Gilbert tried to keep this hidden? What secrets were concealed in here? 

A painting on the wall caught your attention. You moved the lamp to see it better. It showed Frederick the Great, one of Prussia’s greatest leaders of all time, sitting on a throne. He had a relaxed look on his face, almost as if he was amused by something. Next to him, on a similar throne sat…

Your eyes widened. The shock you got to endure was so heavy that you almost let the lamp slip from your hands. This could not be…this simply could not be!  
Next to him, with his one of his legs draped unceremoniously over one of the armrests, sat Gilbert. He was holding a Prussian flag, which rested against his shoulder; which made the eagle show up right behind Frederick. 

You stared at the painting in utter disbelief. This could not be. This had to be some kind of a joke. You quickly searched the name of the painter and found it in the left corner. No, you weren’t interested in who had painted it…you wanted to know when it had been created.

1748

The date burned itself into your eyes. 

The thing was painted more than a hundred years ago. Your mind raced, frantically looking for answers…for theories which explained this…this…impossibility. Did it not lie in the essence of every human being? Did not everyone long for an explainable world? 

Perhaps he just looks like him, you thought. But really…how many albino men where there on the planet…that looked exactly like him? No…this had to be him. As impossible as it was…it had to be.  
You stumbled towards one of the bookcases and caught sight of a label. 

1862

You grabbed one of the books and flipped through the pages. The whole book was hand-written in a writing you were overly familiar with. 

This was a diary…Gilbert’s diary. 

You grabbed another one.

1847…the year you were born. 

You flipped through the pages until a little card fell out. You bent down and picked it up. For the second time that day, your heart stopped beating. 

The card had your name on it. 

It was one of the cards your mother had made to send to some friends…to let them know that you had been born. 

Why did he have one? 

You looked at the page that had contained the card and found your name, written in the same elegant writing. 

To my awesome diary,  
Today I went to visit Friedrich and his wife, Alsa, who has only recently given birth to an awesome baby-daughter. She was quite the beauty…the girl I mean…I think she’ll grow up to be one hell of a woman. Perhaps I’ll see her again one day…I wonder what she’ll be like by then…

You dropped the diary, feeling as if the world was closing in on you. You leaned against the bookcase as you tried to understand. 

You wanted to understand. 

As your mind turned over and over, you became aware of a noise, somewhere outside of your thoughts. 

Footsteps. 

You hid behind one of the bookcases that stood in the middle of the room and watched from a distance. 

The doors swung open and Gilbert rushed in like a madman. 

“_____________________, I know you’re in here!”

You remained silent, for the tone of his voice really scared the hell out of you. He was angry…and not just a little bit. 

“Not very responsive are we? Fine, then I’ll have to come and find you by myself.” 

You held your breath. What were you supposed to do now? You didn’t dare to face him…not in this state. 

Wait, where did he go? 

The thought had only just left your mind when you were pinned against the bookcase. You let out a yelp as your back made contact with the hard material. Gilbert took hold of your chin, forcing you to look him in the eyes. Those burning red, accusing eyes that looked right into your soul. 

“Gilbert, I…”

“Didn’t I warn you not to come here?” His voice was ice-cold and froze the blood in your veins. 

“I…”

“Didn’t I?” 

“You did.” 

“And it didn’t occur to you…not even for a single moment…that it meant as much as ‘stay away’?”

“I couldn’t help myself! You were keeping something hidden and I just had to find out what! That’s how I am. I’m curious!”

“Curiosity killed the cat, my dear,” he said, while strengthening the grip on your chin. 

“As if you would ever dare to kill me,” you snapped back. “You wouldn’t kill someone you’ve known since birth, now, would you?” 

Gilbert’s eyes became cold, as if the fire inside of them had stopped its everlasting burning.  
“What are you talking about?” 

“Stop it,” you said, your voice nothing more than a whisper. “Stop shutting me out.”

“Shutting you out? I’m trying –I’ve tried to…” 

“I know…I know…I heard the conversation between you and Ludwig. You’re afraid that I won’t have a choice in whatever it is you’re keeping from me.” 

He let out a bitter laugh. 

“You’ve lost the choice already, Liebling. You lost it the moment you stepped inside this room.”

“If that’s true, then there’s nothing that stops you from telling me the truth.” 

“What is there to tell? From what you just told me, you already know most of it,” he paused for a second. “Which makes me wonder why you haven’t…freaked out yet.” 

“Because I can’t grasp it. I mean…what am I supposed to think of you? Who are you really?” 

“Me? I’m Gilbert…Gilbert Beilschmidt. I am whoever they want me to be.” 

That you didn’t understand. 

“I don’t…”

“Understand? I thought you wouldn’t.” He moved away, grabbed your wrist and pulled you along with him, in the direction of the painting. 

“Look up there.” 

“Yes…I know. I’ve seen it. Frederick the Great and you.” 

The words seemed so unreal…so impossible to pronounce. Gilbert remained silent and stared at the painting, as if reminiscent of long forgotten times. 

“You remember the question Ludwig asked you some time ago?” He asked without looking at you. His face had taken on a neutral look…not angry, nor happy…as if he couldn’t care less about this situation. 

It was a masquerade…played by the perfect actor. 

“Which one exactly? He’s been asking questions ever since I came here.” 

“The one about Prussia.”

Oh, you remembered that one question. Wasn’t it…what would Prussia be like…if he was…  
Omg. 

You had told Ludwig that he would look like Gilbert. 

“And there comes the realization. Are you going to run out the door now…away from me?” 

You remained frozen to your spot. 

“That’s a joke, right? I mean…how could you possibly be…”

“The same way you are human. Really,_______________. You walk into this room, you read one of my hundreds of diaries…one of them written in the year you were born…but it hasn’t occurred to you that I might not be the same like you? You’re impossible.”

“Don’t start blaming me. You’re the one who’s impossible here!”

God, why did it feel as if the air was thickening around you…why did it feel so difficult to breathe? 

Gilbert grabbed you the moment you felt your legs go numb. 

“Sit down, before you hurt yourself, “ he said after which the two of you sunk down on the ground. You rested in his arms, calming your breath as you tried to make your way through the complexity of the situation. 

“So…what am I to call you then? Prussia or Gilbert.” 

“You can call me whatever you want.” He said while nuzzling your neck. 

“But…it’s not your real name, is it? Gilbert?”

“No…in old times, the aristocrats simply called me Prussia. It was only recently that they decided to give us human names. To blend in more…I guess. I got mine from Frederick…I got used to it over the years…and I’m sick of having it changed all the time.”

“I think it suits you.” 

He chuckled…it was the first positive noise in what seemed to be ages. 

“So…that makes you like…300 years old? 

“I’m older than that. I once represented the Teutonic knights.” 

The Teutonic knights? That was almost…700 years ago. You tried to take in those words without going crazy. Everything was just so…surreal.

Gilbert’s chin rested on your head. He was unusually quiet…you’d think he would be relieved in some way. 

“What’s wrong?” 

“I’m waiting for the moment where you will realize the absurdness of this. The moment where you will start to hate me.” 

“Why would I hate you?” you asked. 

“Because I’m the reason as to why you will no longer be a free woman.” 

The choice…he was talking about the choice. 

“The people who know about me - and there haven’t been many of those in the past years - cannot leave this place…not without permission of the king. One day I had the selfish thought of hiring a servant. I would tell her everything and she would not have had a single choice in the matter. I would have ruined her life…regardless of her dreams and aspirations. Then I got to know her…and the more I thought about it…the less I wanted to. I couldn’t ruin her life, right? Ludwig tried to convince me otherwise. He’s young…he doesn’t understand.” 

He got up and started to walk around you in circles. 

“I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want you to be stuck here for the rest of your life. I couldn’t stand the thought of you hating me because of something like that.” 

“It’s too late…I’ve sealed my destiny.” You sighed. “What would you have done if I’d listened to your warning? If I hadn’t known?” 

“I don’t know…I guess I would have broken your heart – and with that my own.” 

“You would?” 

He sighed, mumbled a soft “I don’t know” and held you in a tight embrace. You leaned back against his chest and raised a hand to caress his arm. 

“You know…you shouldn’t feel bad about this,” you said. “I’d rather be stuck in here and be with you, than free without you.” 

You simply couldn’t imagine a life without him anymore. Gott knew that you were happy that you came here...you were happy that the person – whoever it had been- had put the key in front of the door. You were so happy that he didn’t have to break your heart. What did freedom mean after all? Didn’t love give you that feeling all the time? You felt more free than you had ever felt in your entire life. 

“What would I do without you, _______________?” 

“You would be bored to death,” you said with a smile. 

“That's true.”

You remained silent for some time. Gilbert lied down on the ground, moved you a bit, so that you were on top of him and started to caress your hair. You put your head down and listened to his heartbeat. 700 years of life and it still beat with unseen power. 

“Gill?” 

“Hmm?”

“Tell me some more about you.” 

 

“Like what?”

 

“About our first meeting.”

He laughed a bit and said: “You mean, when you were still a baby?” 

“Yes.” 

“You were adorable.” 

“That’s all you have to say about it? Really?” 

“It’s all I could think of the moment I saw you. Don’t blame me…it’s your own fault.” 

“You’re so unfair.” 

“That’s a trait you’ll have to live with, dear.” 

“Or you could just tell me anyway…”

He snickered, put an arm behind his head and said: “Fine, I’ll let you have this one. But there really isn’t that much more to tell, since you’ve already read my diary.” 

“I did…,” you mused. “I’m sorry about that.” 

He closed his eyes in thought and remained silent for a few seconds. 

“I don’t mind. Well…I did…but not anymore. You are free to read whatever diary you want to. I don’t have any more secrets that I want to keep from you.” 

“So I can take a look around this place? Whenever I want?” 

“Yes, you can.” 

“That’s sweet, Gil,” you said, after which you gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Not the right word to describe me.” 

“I think it fits you rather well. You prefer big, scary Prussia instead?” 

“I prefer neither of them,” he protested.

You rolled your eyes at that and said: “Let’s go back to the previous subject. There’s something I’ve been wondering about…did you know my dad?” 

“Of course I knew your dad. He was one of my advisors. One of the best I’ve ever had.” 

That came as a surprise.

You’re dad had known Gilbert? 

“Did he…did he know…?” 

“He did.” 

“But…he…he was a free man,” you said while looking up. 

“He had to take an oath…upon his own life,” Gilbert explained patiently. “If you want, then I’ll ask the king if you can take it as well. It’s a risky thing though.” 

You nodded, but your mind was somewhere completely else. Your dad had known…he had known Gilbert…he had known his secret. He had known something that only few in the world knew and he had taken the responsibility that came with that knowledge. For God’s sake…he died and took the secret to his grave! Good old dad…loyal and trustworthy as ever. 

Was it this kind of destiny that was awaiting you as well? Was this the point where your father’s fate and yours intertwined? Lives apart and yet, closer than ever? Forever bound by a secret…by this one person?

You clung onto Gilbert. Here you had found yet another reason to love him…


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11

 

After having discovered Gilbert’s secret, you had spent the entire day in bed. Not only because you felt tired (although you did feel as if you hadn’t slept in months), but also because Gilbert had insisted on it. He was a bit concerned about your…mental state…he really thought that you still didn’t fully comprehend what had happened in the past few hours. 

You didn’t mind him being concerned. Not at all…it was kinda cute and on top of that...he spoilt you rotten. You had never thought him to be that kind of man, but it certainly was something you could get used to. 

When he wasn’t at his office, he spent his time with you, telling you about his life and the other countries. Yes, they were others like him. One for every country in the world! Oh, how you’d like to meet some of them. How incredibly interesting that would be! You laughed at the thought. Silly you…you had already met another one. 

Ludwig. 

You had asked Gilbert about him…asked him thousands of questions…asked him whether he really was his little brother. 

He was. 

Ludwig, or Germany as Gilbert would often call him, once used to be the holy roman empire…but of that life not a single memory remained…at least…not inside Ludwig’s mind. He did not remember who he used to be…and according to his brother, that was for the better. He hadn’t told you why and you hadn’t pressed him to tell you. It was something in the past…something unimportant. Gilbert didn’t want Ludwig to be burdened with the memories of a hard and miserable life. He didn’t deserve to suffer any more than he already had. No…he had the chance to start anew. 

Technically speaking, the boy wasn’t a country yet. He would be the moment all German states were unified. But that…that could take another century. Although mighty Prussia was convinced that he would manage to do so before the turn of the century. You weren’t too sure of that. Willpower or not…Germany was greatly divided…it would be one hell of a task to unify all separate states.   
You hoped he would succeed in it, just for the sake of his little brother. 

Speaking of…

You were dozing off, lost in your own maze of thoughts, when the door creaked open and revealed the younger Beilschmidt. He remained standing in the doorway and cast his ice-blue eyes on you in a curious way. 

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine, Ludwig. Thank you.” 

The boy kept staring at you…no, observing was a better word, going from the look in his eyes. 

“It looks like you have found the key.” 

A small light appeared inside the darkness of your mind.

“It was you? Did you put the key in front of the door?” 

“It surprises me that you only realize it now. Really…who else could have done it?” The boy said.   
“But how…how did you manage to…” You didn’t understand. How did he get hold of the key? 

“I often visit the library. I just ask Gilbert to lend me the key,” he explained with a shrug. “I remembered your question of what was behind that door.” He grew silent for a moment. “Perhaps I’ve been selfish in my decision to help you.” 

“How do you mean?” 

“Most of the servants leave…they never stay long…it’s too risky. I…I didn’t want you to leave as well. You’re nice and…you’re good for my brother. I’m sorry,_________________. I shouldn’t have interfered.” 

Tears started to form in his sky-blue eyes. 

“No, Ludwig…it’s…oh, come here.” You said, stretching out your arms towards him. He ran into them, crying into your shoulder. Seeing Ludwig this way broke something deep inside of you. 

Over the course of time, Gilbert had not been the only one to receive a place in your heart. Ludwig had also settled himself in there. One of your heart strings was inextricably linked to him…if something was wrong…you would know it. And you did…you felt the pain and loneliness of this boy…this nation that longed to have some normality in his life. 

Yet, the fact that you understood what he went through didn’t take away that you felt hugely uncomfortable with this. How to comfort him? 

You held him close and rubbed his back, drawing circles with your fingers. 

“You shouldn’t feel guilty, Ludwig. I’m happy that you helped me out. I really am. And…” You swallowed, feeling a bit emotional yourself. “And I wouldn’t dream of leaving you or your brother…not ever.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.”

The boy strengthened his grasp on you, buried his head in the crook of your neck and fell into a deafening silence. It’s wasn’t that kind of silence that made one feel uncomfortable, more of the sort in which two people enjoy each other’s company. 

The moment must have been very consolidating for Ludwig, for when he pulled back to look at you, he seemed to have calmed down considerably. His eyes were still a bit red, but the tears were gone. 

“Sorry you had to see that,” he said while a light blush appeared on his pale cheeks. 

You laughed softly and patted him on the head.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Ludwig.” 

He smiled, a smile you found so endearing that you thought it a pity that he didn’t show it more often. 

“________________, can I ask you something?” He suddenly asked; the smile making way for a concerned look. 

“Yes?” 

“Do you think my brother will be angry at me for giving you the key?”

“If he was…you would have been in a lot of misery already,” an all too familiar voice said from the other side of the room. 

Ludwig’s eyes widened a bit, if only a little, before he decided to face his brother. 

“Prussia,” he greeted with a nod. 

“Is…is he in any trouble?” you asked, joining in. 

“Not yet, no.” 

Ludwig rolled his eyes and looked as if he hadn’t expected anything else. 

“I don’t really approve of you interfering in my business, little brother.” 

“Well, it was for the better, wasn’t it?” He said in a defying way. 

“That’s true, Gil,” you chipped in. “He shouldn’t be punished. He actually did us a favour. 

Really…,” you said while hugging the boy to your chest. “If you punish him, then you’ll have to punish me as well.” 

Ludwig looked up at you with a puzzled look, whereas Gilbert didn’t seem surprised at all. 

“Careful…I might as well do that,” he said with a grin in your direction. “But I guess you are right. He did me a favour…in some way. No punishments for you, young man.” 

“Thanks,______________,” Ludwig whispered inaudibly before letting go of you. He stopped next to Gilbert, looked up and said: “Thank you, big brother.” 

“Yes, yes, now go before I change my mind,” Gilbert said, while ruffling his hair in an affectionate way. 

Ludwig smiled and disappeared shortly after, leaving you and Gil alone. He took his place next to you and said: “Why am I not surprised that you took his side in the matter?” 

“Why? Because your little brother is adorable. That’s why,” you said, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “I’m sorry, Gil. But you can’t possibly compete with him. Well…not when it comes to being adorable.” 

“Who says I can’t be adorable?” he countered with a frown. 

“I bet you could…if you magically transformed into a seven year old kid. And that’s not going to happen any time soon.” 

He rolled his eyes in annoyance, which made you laugh a bit.

“But then again…,” you started. “I don’t need you to be adorable. You’re good the way you are.” 

Without saying anything, Gilbert grabbed you and pulled you towards him, trapping you in a hug. 

“I was just joking, you know.” A distant sorrow was audible in his voice. “I don’t mind you taking his side. In fact…I’m happy that the two of you get along so well. You haven’t only changed my life for the better, but that of Ludwig as well.”

“I…he told me he helped me because he didn’t want me to leave.” 

“Well then…that proves enough, doesn’t it?” 

“It does, I guess,” you said, while nuzzling closer to him. 

Gilbert remained silent for a moment. You felt there was something else he wanted to say, but you didn’t push him to it. Instead, you listened to the musical beat of his heart, counting every beat as a second that had passed. 

“_____________, there’s something I want to warn you for.” 

“Like what?”

“Be careful around us…nations can be quite selfish. It’s not always in your best interest to listen to us.” 

“That’s what Ludwig said…well…more or less…he said that he had been selfish in his choice to help me.” 

“Perhaps he was…,” Gilbert mused. 

“But I don’t mind.” 

“You don’t.” 

The words sank into your mind, but you had a hard time processing them. Were they really that selfish? What exactly did that mean? What level of selfishness was he talking about?

“Would you lie to me, Gil? If it was to benefit yourself?” you asked silently. 

“No more than a human would do.”

“Then I’m fine with it.” Your answer was quick, but far from impulsive. It seemed to you that every human being had a selfish side, even the most noble and caring people dragged it with them, deep inside their hearts. It was inherent to human nature…Whether it took control of your personality was entirely yours to decide. 

“That’s the point, _______________. You don’t have to be fine with everything.” 

You laid a hand against his cheek and linked your eyes with his ruby ones. 

“Gil, stop that. The only thing you have to worry about is the fact that I love you.” 

“Why should I worry about that?” he asked with a frown. 

“Because I can be a handful sometimes.” 

“I don’t believe that.” 

“You don’t?”

“No.”

“You shouldn’t have said that.” 

“Why? Are you going to hug me to death?” The mockery was clearly audible in his voice. 

“I might as well try. But there are more efficient ways.”

“Like what?” he asked with a snort. 

“Like this.” You freed yourself from his grasp, turned him over, caught a pillow and hit him in the head with it. 

“Pillow fight!”

Gilbert was totally caught by surprise. If there was one thing he hadn’t expected, it was this. 

“Crazy woman. What are you doing?” He asked as he plucked some feathers from his hair. You couldn’t help but laugh at that…more especially at the face he pulled. 

“I’m attacking you with a pillow, isn’t that obvious?” 

“Why?” 

“Because your face looks absolutely hilarious when you’re caught off guard.” 

He tilted his head a bit and stared at you with those magnificent red eyes of his. A mischievous glint passed through them, a vague promise of retaliation. What happened then, happened so quick, that you didn’t have the time to react. Before you the time to realize what was going on you found yourself beneath him. Your hands firmly pinned above your head. 

A small grin appeared at the corner of his mouth as he brought his face closer to yours; you felt how your cheeks started to heat up; giving in. Yes, you had become used to kissing him, but you still felt all weird when things became this intimate. 

“Yes, I can see what you find so amusing about it,” he whispered in your ear.

“Gil, let me go.” 

“Why? I find this quite amusing.” 

“Gott, you’re even worse than I am,” you mumbled to yourself. 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing.”

“You’re starting to talk nonsense, my dear. Let’s silence you for a while, now, shall we?” 

“Wait, what?” 

He pressed his lips to yours, taking you with him on a passionate trip of which you simply couldn’t get enough. You forgot about the weird, uneasy feeling you had felt before and devoted every thought, every emotion that went through your body to him. You were addicted to Gilbert…of that you had grown more and more certain with every day that passed. There was this never-ending desire to be with him, to feel him near you. True…there were some things you had to overcome in order for the desire to be fully free (your shyness, for example) but once you had gotten over that, it was nearly impossible to stop it. 

You loved him with all your heart; from the very bottom of your soul. It was so hard to resist this temptation; this want to be one with him. But still you tried with all your might. 

Why? 

To be honest you didn’t really know. Every fiber of your being screamed for him. Why not give into it?

You had tried to think about it before…without much success. 

You figured that there had to be a reason as to why you held yourself back. Perhaps because deep down you knew there would be a better place and time to do…those things. 

You were sure that Gilbert felt the same, for he always seemed to break the spell (after all this had to be something magical) before anything else could happen. He may not have been able to read minds, but he sure knew what was going on inside of yours.

Oh...one day that moment would come...until then you were happy to have him near you like this...


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

A few days had passed since Ludwig’s little emotional outburst. You hadn’t seen that much of him since then. Not because he was ignoring you -he wouldn’t dare doing that - but because he knew that you were busy with other things. Gilbert had given you a series of chores that had to be done. An important guest was to arrive soon…it was all you knew though. He hadn’t told you who or what…no…he had said that you would know the moment he arrived. 

You were curious but you knew better than to try getting it out of him. Gilbert could be incredibly stubborn (very much like yourself actually). So you just went your way…doing the chores he had asked you to do.

So it came that around three in the afternoon, when you were almost done with the chores, Ludwig appeared next to you. You hadn’t heard him coming. He had sneaked up to you and watched you clean the windows of the guest room you were in. 

You turned your head towards him, ready to ask him what was wrong but you were totally caught off guard by the huge smile he wore. In that very moment he raised a hand, touched your shoulder and said: “Tag, you’re it!” 

After that he ran out the door, leaving a stunned you behind. You weren’t sure if you had witnessed the whole scene or if it had just been some kind of weird daydream. Did Ludwig really just invited you to play tag? 

Ludwig…wanted to play a game? With you? 

It sounded so unreal and yet it had just happened. It made you certain of it though. If this was one of those weird occasions where Ludwig allowed himself to be a kid, you would enjoy it to your best ability. You stood up and ran after him, shouting: “I’m coming!”

“You can’t catch me, ____________. You’re too slow,” Ludwig’s voice sounded from around the corner.

“Oh, really? Wait till I get you!” 

Ludwig appeared into sight and laughed like an idiot. “Like that will happen.”

He ran off once more. He was fast for such a small kid. You’d lost track of him already. Where did he go? You checked the rooms in the hall but he was nowhere to be found. 

“Ludwig?” 

You had only just said his name when he came running towards you. The smile had totally vanished and an almost desperate look clouded his face.

“Quick, _________. You’ve got to hide me!” he said, his voice pleading. 

“Why, what’s wrong?” 

The words had barely left your mouth when a high voice resounded through the halls. 

“Oh, Germany! Where did you go?” 

Ludwig seemed at the verge of despair, looking around frantically. 

“In here,” you said while opening a closet at your left side. 

The moment you closed the door was the moment the owner of the voice appeared. It belonged to a teenage boy, about fifteen years old, with auburn hair and a weird curl that swung with every step he took. 

“Germa…,” he caught sight of you and immediately broke off.

“You’re looking for Ludwig, I suppose?” you asked. 

The boy looked a bit confused, twirled his fingers and then asked in a soft voice: “You know?” 

You simply nodded and smiled a bit to reassure him. 

“Ah, that makes things a lot easier,” the boy smiled a huge smile. “I’m Italy. But you can call me Feliciano…or Feli…that’s shorter.” 

“Nice to meet you, Feli. I’m___________.” 

“Veh, that’s a beautiful name! Suits a beautiful girl.” His smile was contagious…it made you want to smile yourself all the time. 

“Italy! Are you hitting on my girl?” 

Gilbert appeared from around the corner; stalking towards him. 

“No, Prussia. I was…” 

“Yes, yes, I know…I was just joking.” He said while patting the boys head. 

Italy looked a bit confused and said: “I never get your jokes.” 

“That’s because most of the time there’s isn’t much to get, right, Gil?” You said with a grin while crossing your arms over your chest. 

“Are you insulting my sense of humor?”

“Sorry, what sense of humor exactly?” Your voice was bittersweet. 

“Ohh…she’s feisty! I like her!” Feli said while clasping his hands together.

“Why am I not surprised about this?” Gilbert muttered while pinching the bridge of his nose. “Anyway, you were looking for my brother, right?” 

“Yes, I saw him only moments ago…but he kind of ran off…I don’t know where he is.” 

“Sorry, I haven’t seen him,” you said. You felt sorry for Feli. He looked like a nice person. A bit chatty perhaps, but kind enough. Why didn’t Ludwig like him? 

“Oh, then I’ll go search him over there. See you later, Bella. Bye, Prussia.” 

The boy ran off in a hurry, disappearing around the corner. When he was out of hearing, Gilbert stalked towards you and said: “He’s in there, isn’t he?” 

“Yes. He asked me to hide him. I don’t get why, though.” 

Gilbert shot you a grin and said: “I promise to explain that little part of Ludwig’s history later on. As for now…” He opened the door and looked down on his little brother, who sat against the wall, his knees hugged to his chest. 

“Won’t you come out, West? This is just ridiculous.” 

“Is he gone?” 

“You can’t hide in here all day.” 

“Is he?” Ludwig said, acting as if he hadn’t heard the last part. 

Gilbert sighed and said: “He’s gone.” 

The boy climbed to his feet and put his head around the door to see if that was true. 

“Why are you so scared of him? He looks like a nice kid.” 

“That’s the point…he’s too nice. Every time he sees me he tries to hug me…or swirl me around like a little girl…it makes me feel…uncomfortable.” 

“It’s Italy you’re talking about…he’s just that…cheerful,” Gilbert said with a smirk. 

Ludwig looked at his feet. “I know but…it just…it feels really weird. I sometimes see him…in my nightmares…brother. It confuses me.” 

Gilbert’s face fell for a moment, but he quickly got it back to normal again. He bowed down so he could look Ludwig in the eyes and said: “Germany…if there’s someone you shouldn’t be afraid of, then it has to be Italy.” 

“You’re probably right but still…”

“He’s a nice guy, Ludwig. Just give him a chance,” you said with a reassuring smile. 

The boy looked a bit flustered about the idea at first, but decided to give up his protests. 

“I’ll try.” 

“I’ll talk with him…I might be able to get him to stop the hugging. I can’t promise anything though…it’s Italy we’re talking about.” 

Ludwig looked up…as if he expected something more to come. 

“But…” 

There it was. The boy sighed softly. He had seen this one coming. 

“You should go and see him. You might not appreciate his visit, but he himself is very keen on seeing you.” 

“I can’t think why he likes me that much…but…I’ll do as you say,” he straightened his clothes, took a deep breath and started to walk away. “That way, right?”

The two of you nodded and watched him walk away. When he was out of sight, you turned to Gilbert. 

“Does Italy know him? I mean…did he know Holy Rome?” 

“You’re quick to catch up,” he said with a grin. “But yes...in fact…that the least you could say about them.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well…Holy Rome used to have this…infatuation with Italy.” 

“But…but Italy is a boy,” you said a bit confused; a frown clearly visible on your forehead. 

“Holy Rome used to think he was a girl…hilarious situation really. Hungary loved to dress him up as one when he stayed at Austria’s place.” 

“And he agreed with that?”

“It’s Italy.” That seemed to be the answer to everything. 

“Okay…what happened when he found out?” 

“He never did. Holy Rome died before seeing him again.” 

“That’s…really sad…,” you said with sorrow in your voice. “Ludwig doesn’t remember anything? Nothing at all?” 

“Well…not exactly, you heard what he said about his nightmares. Italy sometimes shows up in them. Of course he doesn’t understand them…but those are actually distant memories of Holy Rome. Ludwig is him, but without all the memories of pain, war, loss…he’s the new start the German nation longs for.” 

“I see…but…shouldn’t he be more comfortable around Italy…after having been in love with him? Also…how does that work…boy and boy. Isn’t it a bit…weird?” 

Gilbert started laughing at that last part. 

“What so funny about it?” you asked confused. 

“Why do you think it’s weird?” he asked as he tried to contain his laugh. 

“Because boys and boys don’t go together.” 

“Why not?” 

“Why because…”

“Because some religion or government or whatsoever decided that it’s wrong for a man to love another man? That’s a bit shortsighted, isn’t it? I mean…I’ve been that blind once…I don’t wish for you to be it as well. After all…it’s the soul that counts, right?” 

“So, basically…what you are saying is that…if I had been a man, you would have loved as much as you do now…in the same way.” 

“Sure,” he said with a nod. 

“But…”

“Have you seriously never met a man who loved another man? Not once?”

“Not that I can think of.” 

“Well then…I suppose there’s a first time for everything.” 

“Yeah well…I guess you’re right about the whole thing. In love…it’s the soul that matters.” 

He patted you on the head in an affectional way and said: “Happy to know that you listen to me, dear.” You reached out for his hand and gave it a squeeze. 

“There’s something I don’t understand though,” you began. “Why is Italy here in the first place?” 

That effectively shut him up. His hand slipped out of yours and the smile that had hung on his lips only moments before vanished like frost before the morning sun.

“That I can’t tell you.” 

You crossed your arms over your chest and sent him a sour look. Really? After all the two of you had been through, he still didn’t trust you enough to tell you everything? He still kept secrets? 

“Gilbert! If you are going to keep things from me then I will have to remind you of the talk we have had…”

He raised his hands in a protective way and said: “ Fine…fine…” 

Wow, he gave in quickly, you thought. Something must be wrong. 

Gilbert sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his noise in irritation. When he opened them again, they were dead-serious. A sea of cold fire that burned itself a way through your soul. 

“I wanted to tell you anyway…but…I didn’t know how you would react to it.”

Gott, this was going in the wrong direction. You could feel the tension of the situation…you saw how dark clouds started to form above your head…how they unleashed this awful rain of foreshadowing to rain down on you…the only thing that rested you to do was waiting for the thunder and lightning to hit you straight in the heart. For you knew that whatever he was going to say would be something you wouldn’t like. He had said it himself…that he didn’t know how you would react…that wasn’t something positive was it? It scared you, this anxious feeling deep down inside of you. 

“Tell me,” you said hoarsely. 

“Italy is here because…we are allies.”

Your heart sunk when you heard the word. That dreaded word…connected with that dreaded state…seen…heard so often throughout time and history…that ever returning word. 

War

You didn’t want to believe it. You wanted him to say it…to say it out loud…so that you would no choice but believe him.

“Allies in what?” you stammered. 

“In a war against Austria.”

“Why?” 

“The stupid idiot thinks he can take Ludwig away from me. I won’t let him. I’ll be the one to unify the German states…and Austria won’t be part of it…not in any way. Not if I can prevent it.” 

“And Italy? What does he have to do with this?” You didn’t understand his contribution to this awful story. 

“He wants to win back the Italian speaking regions that are under Austria’s control.”   
“You’re helping him?” 

“Sort of, yes.”

“And…you’re leaving?” 

That was the question you had wanted to ask since the beginning of the conversation. The question of which you feared the answer the most. 

“I have to, ____________. That’s what I do.” 

“No…I don’t want you to go. You’ll get hurt…you might die…I don’t…” Your body started to shake because of the mix of feelings that ran through you; your legs felt wobbly and tears started to form in your eyes. 

This was really bad. Really, really bad. It felt as if the world was closing down on you, as if destiny had grabbed your hand and lead you towards the final end. You couldn’t explain why, you just had this terrible feeling that something terrible was about to happen. It pulled at your heart strings and made the tears run free.

Images of the dream shot through your mind. You remembered the woman-like figure…begging you to help ‘him’. You were sure she had meant Gilbert. You just felt it was him. Was this where you had to save him from? From this shadow known as war? 

“_______________, you’re exaggerating,” he said while grabbing you and holding you tight. You put your arms around his waist and cried in his chest. 

“I’m not,” you sobbed.

“I’m a nation, dear. I can’t die. Not by a bullet anyway.” He stroked your hair to sooth you, but the tears kept flowing.

“What happens when Austria wins?” you asked, looking up at him with red, puffy eyes. His maroon eyes darkened when you mentioned the nation’s name. 

“He won’t win…I won’t let him.” 

“But…”

“I’ve fought countless of battles similar to this…and not even that long ago.” 

You knew what he meant. Prussia had fought Denmark last year in order to get Schleswig-Holstein under his control…he had been allied with Austria back then…

It was terrifying to see how quick one could go from being an ally to being an archenemy.   
“Yes, I know…but I…I have this bad feeling…” 

“I’ll be fine, ______________. Don’t worry about me,” he said after which he kissed your forehead. 

“Promise me,” you whispered. 

“I promise.”


	13. Chapter 13

Part 13

You felt miserable…absolutely and utterly miserable.

You had felt that way ever since the day Gilbert had told you about the war…now almost a week ago. You hadn’t seen much of him since then. He had busied himself with administration and commands of higher up, locking himself in his office. You thought it was a not-so-subtle way to let you grow accustomed to him not being there all time of the day. 

Gott…if this was how you were going to feel during his absence then you were sure heading towards a period of great depression. 

You had been walking –no roaming- through the halls all afternoon, considering whether you would go and disturb him or not…

“Ciao, bella!” a voice said out of nowhere, bringing your thoughts back to reality. 

You turned around and looked into one of the guest bedrooms…the one where Feli was residing. He sat on his bed and waved at you. 

“Hi, Feli,” you said while lifting your hand a bit to answer the gesture. Normally you would have been more than happy to speak to him. You really enjoyed his company; he was a good kid with a golden heart but today…today you just didn’t feel like talking to him. Not now that your heart was in such fragile state. 

You started to walk away…heading for…well…nowhere in particular…when someone suddenly grabbed your hand. It was warm and comfortable and you really wanted to cry. 

“Are you alright, ___________?” Feli asked, his amber eyes filled with concern. It was touching to know that he cared so much. 

“I’m fine, thanks.” Your voice cracked a bit…the emotion slowly seeping through. 

“Veh…you look as if you’re going to cry.” 

“I do?” 

He nodded, tugged at your hand and said: “You should sit down for a moment.” He guided you towards his room and sat you down on a couch. 

“Anything you need? Coffee? I can go find you some coffee…or tea…do you want tea?” 

“That’s really sweet of you, Feli, but I’m fine, really.” 

He sat down next to you and looked you over. 

“What’s wrong? Did Prussia say something mean? He can be quite mean…but he’s not serious about it…I’m sure he isn’t.” 

“No…he didn’t…it’s just…I…I worry about him.” 

Feli’s eyes lightened with understanding.

“You mean the war,” he said, his voice had gone soft. 

“Yes.” 

He was silent for a moment and then turned towards you with a small smile. 

“Don’t worry too much,__________. Prussia is really powerful. He won’t lose a war against Austria.” 

“How are you so sure of that?” You asked him with a rather sharp look. 

He looked a bit flustered but regained his courage within seconds and said: “I’m not. But as an ally…I do trust him. Without him…I’d probably never had the chance to win back what’s mine in the first place. As for Prussia’s motives…he would never ever leave Germany to fall in Austria’s hands. They’re brothers…he won’t lose him…never…” 

You knew Gilbert would go to hell and back again for Ludwig…but to hear it from someone else…you only really realized the full impact of it now. He would start a war to protect his little brother. Just how far was he willing to go? 

“You should sleep a bit, bella. You look tired.” 

“Yes…I might just do that,” you said while standing up. “Thanks for listening, Feli.” 

“Veh, you’re welcome!” 

You smiled at him and walked out of the room, heading back towards your own room, where you fell down on your bed in pure exhaustion. Sleep came to you shortly after, drowning you in a sea of fractured dreams and thoughts…

*Time Skip

You immediately knew that something was off about the dream you had. Something about the light just didn’t seem right. It looked as if a prism had broken and the colours had shattered all around you…in a million dazzling shards. 

You stared at it, squeezing your eyes a bit. This was the same dream as you had had a few months ago. The place was exactly the same…there was only one thing (or rather someone) that was missing…

Where was she? 

“I’m here, dear.” 

You had expected much, but you hadn’t expected to hear a voice other than your own…neither had you expected it to answer your unspoken question. You slowly turned around, mentally preparing yourself for what was yet to come.

When you’d finally turned around completely…the first thing that caught your eye was silver. 

A long wave of beautiful moonlike silver.

Then…a gaze of red…a never-ending sort of red…red like you had seen countless of times. 

A pair of lips turning into a faint smile. 

“At last you’ve made it.”

You stared at her, for that was all you could do. It was as if you were enchanted by this figure…this woman…

“I…who are you? You…you look like Gilbert.” 

“Yes, I’m ***. I’m Prussia’s mother.” 

“His…his mother?” you asked, stammering. 

“Is that so hard to believe?” She asked, tilting her head a bit.

“No…it’s just…” You remembered that little moment the two of you had had some time ago…the morning after you had dreamt of your father and he had braided your hair together.   
He had mentioned her…not more than a few words…but enough to know that she had passed away. 

That was the weird thing about this whole situation…She was dead. So how was she able to communicate with you? 

“I don’t understand.”

“I thought you wouldn’t…and I cannot blame you for that. You see…I’ve been trying to reach you for a very long time.” 

“Me? Why?” you asked…even more confused than before. Why would she want to speak to you? What for? 

“I tried to tell you last time…but the connection…it wasn’t strong enough…you weren’t very open to it.” 

“I wasn’t?” You had had no idea. After all…How could you not have been open to it? Gott…what was this all about? 

Then a sudden realization hit you hard. 

It really was him she had been talking about. 

“You said something though…something about saving him. You meant Gil-Prussia. But…I don’t get it. What does he has to be saved from? The upcoming war?”

Perhaps you had been right all along with this sense of foreboding…what if something bad really was about to happen to him? 

“No…there is…a much greater danger ahead of him…and I…” 

Her face turned sad; her eyes of molten lava dipped in an old sorrow. 

“I love my son, _____________. But there’s only so much I can do to protect him. I need your help.” 

“What can I do?” 

You didn’t understand what this was all about but this was Gilbert she was talking about, so you were more than willingly to help. 

“I foresee great danger for my son…in the near future…danger that will taint his heart and test his very soul. The consequences will be disastrous and unforgiving…that is…if he cannot be saved.” 

“I don’t understand. Are you saying that…that…he’ll be…corrupted?” Was that the right word?

“Yes, I could not put it better myself.” 

“And…where exactly do I fit in?” 

“You have to keep him save…keep him from this fate.” 

“How? I won’t always be there…the near future…when will that be? I might be dead by then.”

“That is not the right question to ask. The one you have to ask yourself is…do you love him so much that you’d be willing to sacrifice yourself for him?” 

That immediately shut you up. Sacrifice…your own life? For Gilbert?

“You mean as in ‘dying’’? What happens when I do?” 

“You’d be able to help him in the future.”

“So…I have to sacrifice myself…in order to help him escape this horrible fate in the future?” 

“Yes…exactly.” 

You stared at your feet…tears started to form in your eyes. So this was the bad feeling you had had…this war wasn’t about Gilbert getting hurt…no…you had been feeling utterly miserable because deep down – in the labyrinth of your unconsciousness- you had known all along…

You had known that this war would mean your own demise. 

“I have to die...” It seemed too unreal…you just couldn’t completely grasp it.

“Yes…I wanted to spare you from that…but the others want proof.”

“Proof of what?” 

“That you truly love him,” she said. “I know you do, dear. But they don’t.” 

You knew who she meant with ‘they’. Gilbert had told you about the so called ‘ancients’ and the nations that no longer existed. Their souls drifted around the world, trapped on the edge of the other side and doomed to stay there forever. Why? 

Because even though they were technically ‘dead’ (or as dead as a nation could be), they were not forgotten. People talked about them, wrote about them…remembered them…and therefore their souls could not leave this world. They were stuck forever…

“If they need proof…then I’ll give it to them.” 

There was nothing else to say. 

The woman looked at you, her head a bit tilted and a questioning look in her eyes. She looked so much like Gilbert that it made you want to cry. The though alone that something – a danger unknown to you- was going to change him…was going to corrupt him so badly that you wouldn’t recognize him anymore- was enough to tear your heart apart. 

How would you ever be able to say no to this desperate cry?

How would you ever be able not to help him? With all the love you felt for him–this heart-warming feeling deep inside of your bosom…it was just impossible to neglect such a thing. You couldn’t let this happen to him…you just couldn’t…

And thus you agreed. Knowing very well what would happen if you did. 

“Are you sure, ______________?” 

“Yes. I’m sure. I’ll die…I’ll come back…and I’ll save him from whatever danger will threaten him. I promise.” 

A small, genuine smile appeared on her lips; together with a grateful sparkle in her eyes. 

“I thank you, ____________. I thank you with all my heart.” She moved forward, hugged you tightly and then kissed you on the forehead. 

That was the moment you woke up.

*Time Skip

You shot up with a gasp, but were immediately pushed down again by a pair of strong hands. 

“Calm down, __________,” Gilbert said as he put your head back on the cushion. “You look a bit…anxious. Are you feeling alright?” 

You looked at him, blinking a few times to make sure you were really awake and then grasped him, holding onto him for dear life. You stifled a sob and hid your face in his chest, staying that way for indefinite time. 

Gilbert didn’t understand what had gotten into you…that much was clear. But like always he had decided to try and comfort you first, before asking you what was going on. 

The fact of having him near was enough to calm you down to an appropriate level. This was why you were going to sacrifice yourself. This was what you were going to die for…and you were not going to hesitate in doing so…

You were going to fight for what you loved…fierce and fearless…without doubt or hesitation in the depths of your heart. 

 

*Time Skip

The rest of the day you spent on the edge of sleeping and being conscious. Gilbert had tucked you in and had let you sleep…thinking that whatever had gotten into you, would go away with a good nap. 

He was wrong…for sleep never got a chance to trap you inside its world. 

Your mind was reeling with everything you had heard earlier on…those millions of thoughts and feelings manifested themselves in the feverish state you found yourself in. Your body was trapped in a painful haze of warmth and the air seemed to thicken around you, making it hard for you to breath. 

This was your mind…adapting to the idea of dying for your loved one. It would end…sooner or later…you would get used to the idea…it would become as normal as breathing or blinking.

But for now…it only caused you unrest. 

For the second time that day you shot up in your bed. You whipped the sweat from your forehead and then tried to stand up. Your legs felt a bit wobbly, but not enough to keep you ‘chained’ to your bed. 

No…while you had been drifting between dreams and reality, something important had come to your mind…something you couldn’t possibly forget. 

If you wanted to sacrifice yourself for Gilbert…then you had to find a way to smuggle yourself into the army. 

You had to go to war. There was no other way. However…there was this little problem you hadn’t thought of before…

Gilbert would never take you with him. 

So…there was only one person you could go to…one person was to decide the success of your plan…

Ludwig.


	14. Chapter 14

Part 14

You knocked and waited patiently. Footsteps sounded at the other side of the door and only seconds later it opened with a creaking noise. Ludwig appeared in the doorframe, his eyes sleepy and his hair completely messed up. 

“Ludwig, I’m sorry to bother you so late, but…I need your help.” 

He looked up, his eyes turning serious. He moved out of the way and beckoned you to come in. 

You walked into his room and sat down at a little round table that stood in the corner. 

“You don’t look too well,” he said as he sat down on a chair opposite of yours. He leaned over the table and put a hand on your forehead. “Are you having a fever?” 

“I might have one…I don’t know,” you brought out with an exhausted sign. Actually you were quite sure you were having one. Your body was burning up and you felt as if you could pass out every second. 

Ludwig withdrew his hand and narrowed his eyes.

“You should be in bed. I’ll get a doctor,” he had already sprung of his chair, ready to go. You reached out to him and grabbed his arm. 

“No, please…I have to talk to you.” 

He looked as if he was going to give you a lecture, but eventually decided against it. He sat down once again and said: “If I listen, will you return to bed and let me call a doctor?” 

You sent him a small smile and nodded. His concern warmed your heart and at the same time froze it with ice cold sorrow. You would miss him...you felt guilty that you would leave him behind…you would have to let go of this world…of him…of Gilbert. For some time that was…but how long that would be you did not know…

“In that case…tell me whatever is on your mind,” he said as he vowed his hands under his chin. 

“Like I said…I need your help.”

“With what exactly?” 

“I need you to smuggle me into the army.” 

Ludwig’s eyes widened at those words. The blue colour turned dark with seriousness and a deep frown appeared on his marble forehead. 

“Smuggle you into the army? Why – for God’s sake- would you want to go there?” 

“I know this sounds ridiculous…”

“It’s not ridiculous…it’s suicidal,” he countered, his voice rising a few tones. 

“But…you’re going as well, right?” 

“You know why I’m going.” That was right. Ludwig always went to war with his brother. It was his task as a future nation to pay attention to strategies and to learn from victories and loses. 

“Yes…I do…but most of the soldiers don’t, right?” 

“What are you saying?” he asked while shaking his head, sighing. He obviously didn’t get where you were going. 

“I can’t imagine them not wondering about your presence in the army. After all…no offence…but you do look like a normal child.” 

He huffed, but then nodded in agreement. “I guess it would be stupid to deny that. But I do understand where you’re going now. You mean to say that they don’t suspect my presence…so there has to be something…a lie…an explanation…a cover up as to why I’m there.” 

“Yes…I need you to cover up for me as well. I want you to explain my presence in the army…without Gilbert knowing anything of it.” 

“Now…why wouldn’t you want him to know anything?” He grew suspicious again. His eyes were focussed on you in an all too familiar manner…it was as if they were looking right into your soul. 

“I…I can’t tell you.” 

“You…can’t tell me?” That seemed to make him upset. In the months that had passed, you had spent a lot of time with the boy. You had told him about yourself, about your childhood, but also about other things….all the things you didn’t feel like telling Gilbert.

He had been a perfect listener, had told you a lot about himself and his brother’s past. You had never kept anything from him…except for now…and it broke your heart to see him this…hurt. 

“I’m sorry Ludwig…it’s not that I don’t trust you…because you know I do. But this…I just can’t.” You couldn’t tell him about what you were planning to do. He would surely try to stop you. 

“Just trust me on this. It’s important.” 

“Why do I feel as if this is going to turn out badly for you?” 

“I won’t…I promise.” A lost promise that was…but there would ever come a time where he would understand. You were sure of that…he was a smart boy. 

He sighed and scratched the back of his head. 

“Bit of a vague promise but okay…I’ll help you.” 

“You will?” 

“Yes…it won’t be easy, but I think that I know how to smuggle you in the army.” He bowed forward and said: “How much do you treasure your hair?” 

“My hair?” 

“My brother always leaves with the first troops…I stay behind to inspect the final lists and stuff, then leave with the next battalion…we’ll try to arrange this whole thing when he’s left. Listen closely…this is what we’re going to do…You’re going to have a haircut.”

“A haircut?” You said as you instantly reached out to your hair. 

“Yes. It’s necessary. You have to disguise yourself as a man. There’s no other way…women are not allowed in the army.” 

“I understand, but…won’t they notice anyway?” 

“You could pass for a man if you cut your hair.” Ludwig turned a dark red when he realized what he had just said. “Oh…I’m sorry…I don’t mean to say that you don’t look good or something like that…I…” He put his hands up in defence and turned an even darker shade of red. It was incredibly cute. 

You laughed a bit and said: “Don’t worry about that, Luddy. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Yes…well…” He looked away and coughed a bit in discomfort. “Anyway…after that I’ll smuggle you into the army…I’ll just tell them you’re with me. That should do the trick. Most of the officers are told not to question my presence…if you’re with me, they won’t question yours either. The moment you’re near the battlefields, you’re free to do whatever you think it is you need to do. I won’t stop you.” 

“That’s great, Ludwig,” you said as you reached out to grab his hands. “I thank you with all my heart.” 

He looked at you, his eyes a liquid sky-blue.

“For some reason I feel as if I’m digging your grave…so please…don’t thank me for that.”

“Ludwig…you don’t have to feel guilty for helping me.” 

“But I do,” he said without turning his eyes away. “If you get hurt I will never forgive myself.” 

“Extra motivation not to hurt myself then,” you muttered as you felt your fever rise with a few degrees. This was getting too much…you would not be able to hold in the tears if you went on like this. You couldn’t lie to him…it was so incredibly hard to keep up this façade. 

“Don’t worry, okay?” 

“Can’t promise you that,” Ludwig said as he hopped of his chair and came to stand by your side. “That was all, I guess?” 

You nodded in agreement.

“Good…I’ll prepare everything…the war isn’t due for a few months…so there’s plenty of time. For now…you should return to bed and…”

“Let you call a doctor…I know,” you said while standing up. “You really weren’t joking…”

“I don’t joke,” he said with a serious look in his eyes. “Ever.” For some reason that didn’t come as a surprise to you.

“Fine, fine…I’ll get back to bed. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Why do you always ask that?” 

“What?” The question got you confused. 

“To not worry about you?” he asked with an annoyed huff. “How can one not worry about you? I mean…you can’t ask that of people…even when you do…they still will. It’s not something words can stop that easily.” 

Your first reaction when you heard those words was to bow down and hug the boy. He was a bit surprised at that, but soon relaxed in your arms. You drew some circles on his back and patted his head. 

“I know, Luddy. I know. And yet I will…I don’t want you to feel guilty about this. Just know that I’m really grateful that you want to help me and that whatever happens to me is not your fault.” 

He remained silent. The only reaction you got out of him was the fact that he returned the hug. His small hands had grabbed your dress firmly and his head was buried in your shoulder; the softness of his blond hair tickling in your neck. 

The two of you remained like that for some time. After a while, Ludwig reluctantly let go of you, his eyes a bit red, their blue colour like a sea of emotions.

“I know you will…so I’ll just hope for your well-being…and that you know what you’re doing.”

“I appreciate that,” you said, after which you kissed him on the forehead. He sent you a small smile, but it was a strained one. It was clearly visible on his face that he knew that something was off about this whole thing. You had to go…otherwise you would burst out in tears and tell him the truth.

“Well then…I’ll be getting back to my room. I trust you to keep everything I’ve asked and said to you a secret.” 

“I will,” he said. “No-one will know.” 

 

*Time Skip

 

You laid down on your bed and closed your eyes. The fever had gotten worse throughout the day, making it almost impossible for you to move. You blamed yourself for being so weak. After all this was just a trick of the mind…a psychological thing that manifested itself into this sickening feeling. If you hadn’t been so scared to die…you probably wouldn’t have had to deal with something like this. 

But…you were scared to die. You could lie to yourself as much as you wanted…you could tell yourself that you were willing to sacrifice yourself without hesitation… that you really wanted to save Gilbert…you really wanted to…but…that didn’t take away the fear.  
Dying was painful. 

And the fact that you had to sacrifice yourself…well…a sacrifice wasn’t exactly painless. Actually you weren’t scared to die. No…you were scared to suffer. That was something completely else. No-one could blame you for that…you were human after all. Humans tended to avoid every possible source of pain and they weren’t exactly keen on getting themselves killed. 

Quite the human you were. 

“Hi, Bella!” A voice said from the other side of the room. Feli entered and walked towards you. 

“Feli? What are you doing here?” you muttered. 

“Ludwig told me you have a fever,” he answered while putting a hand to your forehead. “Veh…he didn’t say it was this bad though.”

“I’m fine.” 

“You don’t seem like it…but don’t worry. Ludwig asked me to tell you that the doctor is on his way and that he should be here within half an hour.”

“Typically Ludwig.” 

“Yeah, he’s really worried about you. I’m worried too, you know.” 

“I bet you are,” you said as you tried to smile. “Thank you.” 

“Italy, don’t bother her that much. I told you she doesn’t feel well.” Ludwig walked inside the room with a tray filled with biscuits and a glass of water.

“Veeeh, you told me to tell her about the doctor, no?” 

“Yes, well…,” he muttered with a red face while putting the tray down on the nightstand. “I guess that’s true.”

He took the glass of water and brought it to your lips. “Take a sip of this, ______________. You’ll dehydrate when you don’t drink.” 

You did as he said and sent him a smile. “You’re being really considerate, Ludwig.” 

“Yeah, well…I can be considerate...I guess.” 

“That’s true!” Feli chimed as he took hold of Ludwig and swung him around. “You’re just too cute!” 

“Let go of me, you idiot!”

“Italy, didn’t I tell you to stop doing that?” Another familiar voice said. Gilbert appeared in the doorframe and then stalked towards the three of you. Italy immediately let go of Ludwig and the two moved out of the way so that Gilbert could take a good look at you.

“Truth to be honest, dear, you look awful,” he said with a small smile, as he put a hand to your forehead. His skin was cold to the touch and instantly made you feel better. 

“Thanks, Gil,” you said with a huff. “Love you too.” 

He chuckled a bit and moved some strands of your hair out of your face.

“Ludwig, Feli, go take a look if doctor Brecher hasn’t arrived yet,” he said with a look over his shoulder. 

“Ai, sir!” Italy said with a salute after which he ran out of the door. Ludwig face palmed and then followed him.

“Aren’t they adorable?” you said with a smile as you watched them leave. 

“I think you’re being delirious”, Gilbert smirked.

“Possibly.” 

He took his place next to you and put an arm around you. You rested your head on his shoulder and looked up at him. 

“I do love you, Gil.” More than anything in the world. 

“I know, I know…just go back to sleep, Liebling. I’ll wake you when the doctor has arrived.” 

You turned around a bit, put an arm over his stomach and nestled your head against his chest. His presence calmed you down…nowhere did you feel as comfortable and save as in his arms.

Love would win in the end. It would conquer the hesitation, the doubt and the fear. It would overcome everything. 

You were sure of it.


	15. Chapter 15

Part 15

The day had come.

After months of waiting and days of lying, of living in pure agony of what was yet to come, the moment had finally come for you to prepare for the army. 

It felt strange…really strange…almost irrational…for you didn’t really know what you were supposed to feel like. You did feel relieved that things were going to end soon…that you wouldn’t have to lie anymore. That had proven far harder than you had thought. Every time you had looked Gilbert in the eyes, you had felt like telling him about what you were going to do. And every time again, a soft voice in the back of your head had kept you from doing so. The voice had gotten tired though…it had felt as if every lie had been smothering it further and further. It has been awaiting the end ever since. 

You were awaiting faith to meet you and take you away.

You felt tired and yet there also was this part of you…this fire deep inside of your heart that didn’t want to die. It was a very ambivalent feeling and it was tearing up your very soul. 

The best thing to do was to keep your feelings at bay…to shut out the cries of your own heart…to pretend as if you didn’t have any emotion.

You sighed. If only it was that easy. 

You sat down by the window and waited for Ludwig to come. Gilbert had left a few days ago. It had been quite an emotional parting…just like you had thought it to be. The two of you had spent the entire day together. He had taken you on a stroll through Berlin, showing you some places he was particularly fond of and which you had never seen before. You had watched the sun set above the river Spree. The colourful palette had spread out over the city; casting its glow on the buildings and the water, which glittered in the light. It had been one of the most beautiful things you had ever witnessed. But like every beautiful thing, it had ended all too soon. The colours were replaced by the approaching night, their beauty wiped away like filth with a cloth. Yes, the next day had come faster than you had wanted. The one moment you had him sit beside you, the next he was gone. 

You missed him. 

And you missed Feli. More specifically his incessant talking. Bad thoughts just couldn’t get hold of your mind when he was around. 

Your head shot up when Ludwig walked into the room. He was wearing a small mirror under his one arm and a pair of sharp looking scissors in his hand. He put the things on a small table next to you and motioned for you to sit down. While you took your place, he moved to get another smaller chair, which he strategically placed behind the other. He climbed on top of that one and inspected his view on your hair. 

“Can you put the mirror in front of you? That way I can see your face as well.” 

You reached out for the little shiny thing and did as he had said. 

“Really…I would have asked Gretchen to do this, but since nobody can know about your upcoming adventure…well…” he sighed. “Don’t expect too much of it.”

“You’ll do fine, Luddy. Just try not to cut my ears off.” 

“That isn’t very reassuring, you know.” 

“I know you’ll do fine.” 

“You put too much trust in me,” he said, while looking in the mirror. “Everyone knows children and scissors aren’t that great a combination.”

“Are you comparing yourself to the average child now? Bad argument, dear boy,” you said with a laugh. 

He shot you a small smile, but it quickly vanished again…a dark serious colour of blue appeared in his eyes. 

“Ready?” 

“Let’s get it over with.” 

“Can you lower your head a bit?” 

You looked at the ground and felt how Ludwig moved a hand through your hair while silently mumbling to himself. He separated tresses and thought of what he was going to do with that wilderness of hair. 

“Perhaps I should just…” 

He slowly moved the pair of scissors and you saw how long stresses of your hair fell down to the ground. Lost…the remnants of your old self. What would you look like when this was over? Would you really look like a man?

Once he had found the right cutting-technique, Ludwig worked systematically and fast. It wasn’t long before most of your - once beautiful long - hair was gone. 

You really did look like a man –a young man- but a man nonetheless. 

It was so hard to believe that the person in the mirror was you. You gripped at your head and felt the last remnants of your hair gliding through your fingers. 

It felt as something unreal…as if this whole plan was nothing but a weird dream you just couldn’t awake from. 

“Shocking, isn’t it?” Ludwig said. 

“Does it look bad?” you asked. Not that you cared that much about your current appearance…but still…you were curious of what others thought of your metamorphose. 

“It doesn’t. You look great.” 

A small smile appeared on your lips.

“Thanks, Luddy.” 

“You’re welcome. I’m quite sure no one will recognize you. Not if they didn’t know you before.” 

That last part alarmed you a bit. “Do you think Gilbert will know?” you asked with visible concern.

He bit his lip and said: “Yes, well…we’ll have to do something about that. Perhaps you should try wearing a hat or something.”

“Think you can find me a helmet?” 

“Of course I can. Brother isn’t the only one who knows how to handle things. I’ll give you one once we have reached the battlefields.” 

“Fine with me,” you said. “So uh…the battlefield…where is it situated?” 

“Depends on it. I’m waiting for news on the latest developments. It doesn’t look good for Italy though. He was defeated a few days ago…driven out of Venetia.” 

“Is he alright?” you immediately asked. The thought something could have happened to Feli scared the hell out of you. 

“He’s fine. As fine as one can possibly be in such a situation.” 

“But…why did he loose? Didn’t he have a big army?”

“He did,” Ludwig said with a nod. “But Austria outsmarted him.”

Why didn’t that come as a total surprise? 

“And Gilbert? What does he think of the situation? He won’t leave it like that, or will he?” 

“Helping Italy is not his main goal,” Ludwig countered as he moved to fetch a house broom that stood in the corner of the enormous space. He started to sweep the floor, brushing away the strands of hair with careful precision. 

“If I understand it well…you are the main goal.” 

“Something along that line, yes,” Ludwig said with a quick glance. 

“You’ll become a real country?” 

“I guess I will,” he said without looking up. 

“You don’t seem very pleased with that,” you noticed as you bowed down to help him clean up the pile of hair. 

Ludwig didn’t respond, instead he kept his blue eyes focussed on his hands. You grabbed his wrists and practically forced him to look up to you. He did so reluctantly, staring at some point behind your head. Something was wrong. This wasn’t how Ludwig usually was. He seemed…unsure? 

“What’s wrong, Luddy? And why are you cleaning up anyway?” you added when you realized this was absolutely absurd. A boy like him shouldn’t be cleaning.

“I just can’t stand that the dirt,” he said with a somewhat confused look. 

“Let me do that. Sit down and tell me what’s wrong,” you ordered as you started to put away the remains of the ‘dirt’. He did as you told him and watched you with curious eyes.

“It’s nothing really,” he said after half a minute of silence. “I…how am I to say this…I’m…”

“You’re scared you’re going to screw up,” you filled in for him. 

“Yes…that’s one way to put it,” he said with a frown. 

You grabbed a chair and went to sit next to him. 

“Now why would you be scared about something like that? There’s no way in hell you’ll ever screw up.” 

“What makes you think I won’t?” he asked, as he turned towards you, his eyes questioning and desperate for the answer. You realized that this was one of those moments where the real Ludwig showed through. The young child that carried way too much weight on his shoulders, trying to deal with whatever was awaiting him, in a way that was more mature than most adults. 

“And please…refrain from calling me ‘cute’,” he said as you opened your mouth to say something. “That has nothing to do with this.”

“I wasn’t going to say that…would be a bit superficial, right?” you said while scratching your chin. That was one thing you couldn’t use as an argument. 

“Uh…well…,” you gripped his waist and pulled him against you, patting his head in a soothing manner. Ludwig looked a bit uncomfortable at first, but soon relaxed. He would never admit it to anyone, but it felt really good when you held him. It had a consolidating effect…knowing that you were there…that he could let go of all of it for just a moment. A moment without the façade of bravery and matureness. “I know…because…” You thought a moment and then continued with a smile as you conjured the words that described him the best. 

“You’re a reliable, honest and dutiful person and you have a heart of gold.”

Ludwig looked up at you with a surprised look. 

“You really think so?” 

“You think I would lie to you?” you asked with a fake-frown. 

“No, no...of course not.” 

“Well then, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll do fine. Germany is bound to become a superpower one day…you’ll see.” 

“Well…let’s hope your precognition is trustworthy.” 

“Of course it is. It’s me saying it,” you said while sending him a funny look. A small smile crossed his lips. “You’re quite the special one,____________. Whatever it is that brought you into our lives…I’m happy that you followed its path.” 

“Yeah…me too,” you said with a smile, as you tried very hard to suppress the tears that were forming behind your eyes. 

Giving up your life in the name of love was a beautiful thing. But knowing that it was, did not take away the sorrow…the sorrow that you had to leave people behind…the sorrow of knowing that you would break not only Gilbert’s but Ludwig’s heart as well. It tore you apart…cut your heart into bleeding pieces…and left you crying in the corner of your own mind.

Yes…if only you didn’t have any emotion...things would be so much easier…


	16. Chapter 16

Part 16

The journey to the battlefields was a rough one. You and Ludwig travelled aboard a carriage that carried goods and stock for the camp you were heading to. It was a most basic ride, which means that you weren’t nearly as comfortable as you wanted to be. The space in the carriage was cramped and the two of you had to make do with a spot in between the several stacked crates. With every pit in the road you became more sure of the fact that you wouldn’t leave the carriage without a serious head-injury. Hadn’t that crate moved a bit? 

You stared at it and hoped it hadn’t. 

“What are you doing?” Ludwig asked. His eyes were closed; his arms folded over his chest as he rested against the lower crate. 

“Looking whether that crate will tumble over…so that I can warn you in time.”

A small grin appeared on the left corner of his mouth.

“Always the caring one,” he said. “Or you’re just bored to death. That’s possible too.”   
“Yeah…as much as I care about your well-being…I can’t deny that isn’t true,” you mumbled as you sunk against your own crate, stretching your legs. They hurt from having to sit in the same position all the time. 

“Take solace in being bored,_________. There will be a time soon enough that you won’t be able to enjoy the silence in your head.” 

You knew what he meant. He meant the moment where you would be running around the battlefield, following the path that destiny had laid out for you; searching for the move that would bring your end. You closed your eyes. You weren’t sure whether you wanted the silence that took a hold of your mind. It made room for thought. And thought ultimately led to doubt and fear. 

You looked at Ludwig, who had sunken away in a state that had put him on the edge of sleep and being awake. 

“How do you remain so calm? You’re going to war. The hell of humanity and you’re as serene as ever. Doesn’t it bother you?” 

You were curious at how he found solace in being quiet and in being alone with your thoughts. With you it only brought bad things. If only you could have this peace of mind.   
Ludwig opened his eyes; the blue reflected dimly in the shallow light. “Being calm has a lot of advantages, but fear and hesitation won’t bring you anywhere. They will only hold you back from your purpose.” 

He sighed. “But I can’t say I never feel scared or nervous. I don’t have to tell you about those occasions, you’ve seen enough of them.” 

“You’re scared of losing people…but you’re not scared for yourself,” you said, while pulling your knees up and folding your arms around them. 

“I’m not.” 

“Why not.” 

“I used to be…for quite some time,” he said, while looking at the light that formed a thin line on one of the crates. “But then one day…it kind of hit me. I realized that I can’t do anything about my destiny. If I’m not destined to become a country then so be it. In the short period that is my life I have seen quite a few remarkable things. And I have met remarkable people…countries and humans alike.” He turned his eyes back towards you and smiled. 

“I guess you’re my inspiration.” 

“Me?” You were a little shocked at that. “Why?” 

“You’re a go-getter. You don’t give up easily; when faith meets you halfway the path, you do not fear to face it. I think it’s an admirable treat. It makes me think of my brother. He’s a persistent one as well.” 

“I’m not such a go-getter like you think I am, Luddy,” you said. “Sometimes I really hesitate about things…about what to do next in such situations.”

“You’ll get out of it in the end. But being calm might help you get there sooner.”

You looked at him and smiled. “One day, you’ll be an awesome country.” 

“So you told me once. I’m on the verge of believing it.” 

“You’d better start believing it,” you said with a laugh. 

He laughed with you. After a few seconds the laughter faded away and the trampling of hoofs became the dominant noise once more. 

“How far till Langensalza?” you then asked.

“Still a few hours, I guess,” Ludwig mumbled. “We should be halfway down the route by now.” 

Langensalza, the place where the battlefield was situated, lay in the heart of Germany, near the cities of Weimar, Gotha and Jena. The latter had played a significant role in the romantic period. You remembered your father had mentioned the city once, when he had read some stories of a famous writers to you. 

What a contrast there was between culture and the bestiality of war.

“How am I to stay out of Gilbert’s sight?” 

“I told him that I’m not joining him in the officer quarters. We’ll be near the battlefield. That way, you can stay with me…out of his sight.” 

“He didn’t think of it as strange?” 

“No…he actually kind of encouraged it.” 

That actually surprised you. Gilbert had always been very protective of Ludwig. Allowing him to reside on the battlefields…alone…what had gotten into him? You sighed and then reminded yourself of the fact that they were countries. There wasn’t much that could hurt them…well…not physically. Wasn’t it normal for a future country to get some close-up experience with war? Since it was something they would be often confronted with? 

“Have you ever been to war…to the battlefields?” you then asked Ludwig.

“You forget the German-Danish war,” he said while folding his arms over his chest. “Has to be the most recent war…well…before this one happened.” 

“I don’t like the idea of you running around alone…on a battlefield.” 

“You’re underestimating me,________,” he said with a small smile. “I can hold myself quite well. You’d be surprised.”

“I bet I would,” you said, but there was no sarcastic undertone in your voice. You really were convinced of the fact that Ludwig kept a few secrets as to what he was capable of. 

He was a smart boy. 

Ludwig climbed to his feet and opened one of the crates. You looked at him as he pulled out a small bullet.

“See this? This is pure lead.” He threw it to you and said: “Try to bend it.”

“I can’t.” You said, after which you threw the thing back to him. 

“I can.” He closed his hand around the bullet. When he opened it again, the thing had turned into dust. 

You stared at his hand, then back at him. “That’s…impressive.” You knew they were stronger than the average human, but you didn’t really know as to how far their strength reached. Was there even a limit to it? 

“I’ve been testing myself for the last few years. I’ve noticed that my physical strength is growing…which is a good thing. It means that the belief in a German state is growing.” 

He went to sit down again and said: “Belief me when I say that I can handle the battlefields. You don’t have to worry about me. You’d better worry about yourself.” 

“I’ll be fine.” 

“I certainly hope you will.”

“I’ll stay close so that you can keep an eye on me.” You said with a wink, but beside that, you didn’t further elaborate on the subject. Your safety wasn’t something you wanted to talk about.

“I would do everything to keep you from the harm you’re going to inflict upon yourself. But then I would disturb whatever it is you are planning. I assume that whatever it is you’re going to do is completely of your own choice.”

“You’re assuming that I’ll harm myself deliberately.” 

“Why else would you want to go to the battlefields? If you don’t have to, then why seek out danger?”

You shook your head but didn’t answer it. He already knew what you were going to do…well…more or less…there was nothing more for you to say. Telling him the very reason as to why you were going to sacrifice yourself was only to cause him hurt.

Ludwig didn’t press the subject and went silent. He sunk into a trance-like state, only to ‘wake up’ from it when the carriage stopped half an hour later. 

He climbed to his feet, walked to the end of the carriage and moved away the shabby curtain. 

“Looks like we have arrived.” 

He jumped out. You felt a little wave of panic when you lost sight of him and immediately went after him. The light hit you straight in the face and blinded you for a few seconds. After that, your environment began to seep in. 

The sound of rattling and horse hoofs mixed with shouts and voices of hundreds of men, running around from one place to another. Men with beards, without beards, in uniform, without uniform, tall, less- tall, skinny, not so skinny,…All of them were readying themselves for the upcoming battle; to die or live for the fatherland, for Prussia and for the country that would soon be...Germany. 

Did they know? Did they know that the reasons for this fight were alive and kicking and moving among them? You watched how Ludwig stopped one of the men and asked him something in an inaudible voice. 

They obviously didn’t, for the man looked quite surprised to see the boy. 

“They don’t know or do they?” 

Ludwig immediately caught on to what you said and answered: “No…of course they don’t. Remember the oath-thing? Can’t possibly tell a whole army of our existence.” 

“Don’t they think it strange for you to be here?” 

“Nah, they know I’m related to Gilbert. That’s all they need to know.” 

You shot him a look; a look that meant as much as ‘I don’t understand’.

“Gilbert and the highest officers kind of made it a rule not to question my presence. And as loyal soldiers…they do what is expected of them. They do wonder, of course. It’s present in their faces whenever I ask them something.” 

“Yeah…I noticed that.” 

“If only they knew…sometimes I wonder how things would be if they did know.” He looked away, watched the soldiers pass by, row by row; his eyes shrouded in a thoughtful haze. 

“They would fight for you even more…which would be good as well as bad.”

“Indeed…I guess there’s a reason as to why things are kept a secret.” He turned towards you, locked his sky-blue eyes with yours and sent you a meaningful glance. 

I know, you thought silently…a fraction of a second you allowed the thought to flash through your mind…and then you pushed it away again. You grabbed Ludwig’s fist, dragged him along and then said:

“Let’s go inspect this place. Where did you say we were staying?”


	17. Chapter 17

Part 17

The camp was enormous. At least, that was the impression you got after walking around for half an hour. You weren’t able to tell how many square metres it covered, but it surely covered a lot of them. There were white tents everywhere, lined up neatly in never-ending rows and separated by small roads that burst with people running from one place to another.

“Quite a busy place, isn’t it?” It was an utterly useless question…and you didn’t really expected an answer, but Ludwig gave you one nonetheless. 

“Brilliant observation,” he said with a grin in your direction. “You worked that out by yourself?”

“Don’t mock me, young man,” you said while sending him a grin of your own. 

“It’s sarcasm…the only form of joking I’m capable of. As a man you ought to master it.” 

“Oh, really? Well then, you’ll be happy to hear that there is no need for me to do so, since I already master it, together with all the other “this is how a man behaves" stuff.” Actually, you didn’t know anything about how to behave like a man…this was just you joking around, trying to come off as overly confident. 

“I see,” Ludwig said with a taunting look in his eyes as he folded his arms over his chest. “So you’ll be completely fine when surrounded by other men? You won’t blow your cover?” 

“Actually I…” You raised a finger to protest but he was already walking towards a small group of soldiers sitting on wooden crates, chatting with each other. When they saw who he was, they immediately stopped talking, greeted him with a salute and listened as he started to speak. You were standing too far away to hear anything of what he was saying, but you knew this was going to bring you trouble. 

“______________, come over here, please.” 

“Seriously?” you thought. Ludwig had taken your name and had turned it into a hideous boy’s name, something only he was capable of coming up with. Really…for being such a smart boy he surely had a disappointing degree of imagination. 

You gnashed your teeth in annoyance and then walked up to them. “Yes, my lord?” You weren’t sure how you were supposed to address him in front of others so you decided to play on save. Ludwig extended his hand to the three men and said: “These men are your fellow soldiers. I’m sure they’ll be able to tell you a thing or two about this place.” The grin was no longer on his face. Instead, it had crept into his eyes, giving them an amused shine. 

“I see,” you said, mentally taking notes on how you could take him back for this. 

“I trust you will help him when necessary,” he said as he looked at the men. The grin was gone and had made place for a strict look. 

“Of course, my Lord,” one of the soldiers – a young man with spiky blond hair – said with a nod of the head.

“And if you happen to see my brother while on delivering-duty then please let him know that I have arrived.” 

“Will do, my Lord.” 

Ludwig slightly bowed his head as a token of appreciation and then turned his attention back to you. “Report back when you are done.” You saluted, hand against your forehead and feet pushed together – like a real soldier. You were quite proud that you were able to pull it off like this. Really, Luddy. You think I can’t handle being a man? You thought. The boy shot you a look, as if he knew what you were thinking, and then walked off. 

One of the soldiers watched him go and then said: “He’s really creepy.”

“Nah, he’s a good guy,” the one with the spiky blond hair said.

“You can’t really call him a guy…the boy can’t be older than seven,” the third man said. “It’s disturbing. What kind of older brother allows his baby brother to go to war?”

You were standing there, listening to their conversation and thinking about how wrong Ludwig had been before. The soldiers did question his presence. But really, what else was to be expected? These men were brothers and fathers themselves…they knew that it was wrong to send a kid to war…like most human beings, they had a moral compass. 

Oh well,you thought. As long as they did not mingle in the brothers their business...

The blond spiky-haired man glanced at you and said: “Sorry about that. They didn’t mean it like that, you know. They are just worried about the boy.” 

You put up your hands in a way that signaled that you did not mind and said: “No problem. I didn’t hear anything.” 

The blonde man smiled a genuine smile, extended his hand and said: “I’m Uwe. Nice to meet you. I take it that you are new here? Are you serving the young commander?” 

“I’m uh….I am__________________,” you said, repeating the name Ludwig had given you earlier. “Yeah, kind of.” 

“I see...that's why the young commander told us to teach you a thing or two about the camp. I can show you around if you want?" 

“That would be great.” You had already seen half of the camp, but Uwe’s enthusiasm was so contagious that it got the best of you. 

“We’ll be going then. Still have to clean up our tent, right? Albert?” one of the others said. 

“Yeah, we don’t want to be punished...again.” They got up, said goodbye to Uwe and you and then walked away.

“Never mind Albert and Dietrich. It’s not that they don't want to go with us…last week they got punished because of the mess they had made of their tents. One of the officers told them to help out in the camp kitchen and that uh…didn’t go too well...Let's say that they are trying to avoid any further punishment." 

You wanted to ask what had gone wrong in the camp kitchen, but Uwe did not give you any chance to do so.

“Okay, let the tour begin!” He grabbed your lower arm and dragged you along. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Two hours later you had seen the most important parts of the camp (for a second time), every part had been accompanied by a detailed description of what could be found where and where one had to go in specific situations. Uwe had made it his personal goal to inform you on…well…everything. He was a good guy: kind-hearted, optimistic and always willing to help out. Characteristics that – it seemed - were recognized by quite a lot of people. Everywhere the two of you had come there had been someone who knew him. You got the impression that he was known around the whole of the camp. 

You yourself already liked him enough to hope that he would survive this useless war. He wasn’t the kind of person you expected to find here. He seemed totally out of place – as if they had put a sparkle of light in a place filled with the darkness of pending fear and depression. That the war was only days away could be felt clearly in the behavior of the soldiers. Except in his. 

How could he be so optimistic in a situation like this?

“Uwe?” 

“Yes?”

“How do you do it?” 

“How do I do what, exactly?” 

“Being so…optimistic…in a situation like this.”

“Uh,…It’s just how I am, I guess,” he said with a shrug. 

“You’re…not scared to die?” 

“Oh, I am. I really am. But then again…we are not dead yet. So until that agonizing moment I’ll just carry on the way I always have. Everyone is scared to die. It’s the choice to resist the fear that distinguishes the brave from the normal soldiers. Really…if you are all caught up in the fact that you might die, you already have forgotten how to live.” 

“You are…a refreshing person to talk to,” you said while overthinking what he had said. “I’m scared to die. I’m really scared.” This was the first time you had managed to say it out loud. This huge thing that was leaving an imprint on your heart…keeping to the darkest part of your soul…had finally been freed. After all this time...trying to convince yourself that you were not scared…it felt good to get it off your chest. That you were sure of what you were going to do, did not mean that you were fearless. Absolutely not.

“You shouldn’t fear death in itself though,” Uwe said. “Death is peaceful. It’s the way of dying that is scary.” 

He hit the nail on the head. Of all things you feared pain the most. 

“I do hope it will be quick.” 

“That sounds as if you have already given up on living.” 

Well…technically you had…but you couldn’t tell him that. 

“I’m just being fatalistic, I guess,” you mumbled. 

“Try not to be…it will make life so much easier on you,” he said while patting your shoulder. 

“Anyway. I have to go. I promised to help someone out at the stables.” 

“No problem. Thanks for showing me around.” 

“You’re welcome. See you later,” he said as he started to walk away. You raised your hand to wave him goodbye and then turned around. 

Ludwig didn’t mention a specific time at which you were to return. In fact he hadn’t said anything…he had just left you to fend for yourself. Really…what was he thinking? That you weren’t able to handle this situation? That you were going to back down because of the pressure? He would be surprised to hear that you had managed yourself quite well. Uwe, for example, had not shown the slightest suspicion. In the eyes of the soldiers you were just as much of a man as they were. 

Albeit a bit shorter and less muscled. 

You walked until you arrived at the row of tents where Ludwig had left you. He wasn’t to be seen anywhere. 

Damn, you thought. He didn’t tell me where I’m staying. 

Well…that was...a tad problematic. What were you supposed to do now? 

"You might as well explore the camp a bit more", the voice in your head said. "I wonder where the officers are staying".

Your curiosity drove you to an unknown part of the camp. Uwe had skipped it – Probably because a normal soldier wasn't permitted to enter - this was a forbidden area. 

But then again the whole of the camp was technically off limits for you – so breaking one more rule probably wouldn’t hurt you. 

You carefully slipped inside, making sure that you didn’t attract too much attention. There weren’t many people in this part of the camp. You guessed that most of the officers were busy running commands or were currently gathering somewhere else to discuss the strategies for the upcoming battle. 

You walked around, looking around the tents, peeking inside through little holes. Some of the tents were used as an office...or at least, that's the impression you got of it. Tables with important looking documents...maps...books...

You went down another row of tents as your attention was caught by the noise of splashing water. You looked around, wanting to know where the noise came from. There was no water to be seen, so it had to come from inside one of the tents. You peeked inside the tent that was closest to you,while trying your best not to make a sound. 

A dim light was burning, throwing a shadow on the man that was standing near it. He put his hands in a small wash basin standing before him and then splashed some water in his face. His back was naked...a strong pale back with scars running across of it. 

Gott...what am I doing, you thought. I'm spying on a man!

Not that you could help yourself. He was hot. 

The thought had only just crossed your mind when you caught side of the familiar mob of hair...white hair. 

Gilbert. 

You gasped, immediately realizing that you had done so too loudly. You ran and ducked behind the nearest tent. 

Gilbert had heard the noise and was now standing in the 'doorway'. He looked to the left and the right, a frown on his forehead. 

Your heart skipped a beat when you saw him standing there. It hadn’t been that long since the two of you had parted, but the pain with which your heart throbbed made it feel as if it had been much longer. You longed for him, for his love and his warmth. 

That was the moment you realized as to why you had entered this part of the camp. There had been no real reason for you to be this curious – after all…what was there to find in this part of the camp? And normally you also weren’t the one to break the rules. 

This was the secret desire deep within your consciousness, guiding you towards its source.   
"Damn it, _____________", the voice in your head said. You have to stay focused. What are you going to do when he finds out that you are here? He will send you back to Berlin…to a safe place. You’ve gotten so far…this whole plan is near its end-stage. Don’t ruin it by being the sentimental, overemotional you!

Well…that’s set and done, you thought. There was another problem though. 

How were you supposed to sacrifice yourself for him if he was not to discover your presence? If you wanted to do so, then you would have to be near him during the battle. That way you would be able to jump in if someone tried to hurt him. You would take the blow for him. An unnecessary act, but one that would prove for once and for all that you were prepared to die for him. You would die…you were sure of it. You needed to die. You felt that it had to be that way.

This was the final question you had to consider. Telling Gilbert that you were here and risking your whole mission, or not telling him and trying to come up with a way to stay close. Ludwig would grow suspicious if you told him that you would stay near Gilbert during the battle…he would know that something was off. And you didn’t completely belief him when he said that he would not mingle with your business. The boy cared too much.

You thought about the dilemma...and came to the conclusion that telling Gilbert was not a good idea. You would have to find a way to stay near him during the battle...even if that meant that you would have to ease Ludwig's suspicion by lying to him once more...


	18. Chapter 18

Part 18

When you returned to the part of the camp where Ludwig had left you to talk to your fellow soldiers, it was already quite late in the evening. The sun had gone down only a few minutes ago and the evening sky coloured a bright red, streaked with purple and threatened by the approaching dark. The silence in the camp made you feel a bit uncomfortable – you could even call it ‘unheimlich’. This place was bursting with life only a few hours ago and now there was not a living soul to be seen. Was it past curfew already? Were you even allowed to be out at this hour? You weren’t sure. If only you knew where Ludwig was hanging out…he would be able to tell you.   
You scratched the back of your head and sighed. The boy probably forgot that he didn’t tell you where you were staying. That was troublesome. Because really…what were you supposed to do now? You couldn’t sleep outside, could you? 

You walked ahead, hoping that you would somehow bump into Ludwig along the way. Strangely enough, that was exactly what happened. It happened when you passed by a tent that was still flooded with light. As you wondered who was still awake at this hour of the day, Ludwig’s head suddenly appeared from in between the canvases. 

“Ah, there you are,______________,” he said, his voice a bit irritated. He reached forward, grabbed your arm and pulled you inside without much difficulty. 

“I’ve been waiting for hours,” he said, with an annoyed tug at your sleeve.

“Yeah, I would have returned a bit earlier if you hadn’t forgotten to tell me where we were staying.” 

A huge blush appeared on his cheeks when he was confronted with his mistake. “All right…I see…my apologies for that.” 

“No problem. I thought you would find me, and you did. So everything is fine.” 

Ludwig sat down at his desk and leaned his head on his hand. “Yes, I suppose it is,” he said as he drew an imaginary circle on the desktop. “Now…mind telling me what you were doing at the officer’s quarters?” 

You had to admit it…that totally caught you off guard. You hadn’t expected a question like that. How did he even know that…

“How do you…” 

“I went to visit my brother and as I walked up the path where he’s stationed, I saw you running away in the direction of the soldier’s quarters. You looked rather upset. So my best guess is that you went to spy on my brother and had an emotional breakdown. Women often have those, you know. Gretchen told me that and she’s a specialist in everything emotional or sentimental.” 

You were bewildered for a moment and were not able to utter anything even remotely coherent. The only thing you could do was stare at the boy. And trying to get your head around how it was even possible for him to have such a knowledge of your behavior in general. It was just plain scary.   
You regained your speech a few seconds later. 

“I was not spying on your brother! Yeez, you make it sound as if I’m a creepy stalker.” 

“So you didn’t watch him…without him noticing anything of it?” 

“Yeah, well,” you mumbled as you looked away in shame. “Perhaps I did spy on him. It wasn’t as if I planned to seek him out…it just…kind of happened.” You fiddled with your fingers, not knowing what else to say. 

“If I remember it well,” Ludwig said while pinching the bridge of his nose, “you told me not to tell him of your presence here. Really…are you trying to ruin your own plans?” 

“I just told you. I didn’t mean to search for him. I just couldn’t help myself. I guess it’s just my unconsciousness pulling me towards him…I…I miss him.” 

Ludwig’s eyes softened a bit when he heard that. His blue orbs, which usually contained an unspoken seriousness, now shone with understanding. “I guess it’s hard to be separated from the person you love. I can understand that much.” He paused a second and then said: “You know…when I visited him this afternoon, the first thing he asked was ‘How’s ____________’.” He shook his head, laughing as he thought of it. “Believe me…he misses you just as much as you miss him. I know my brother.” 

You walked towards him and fondly ruffled his head, smiling down on him. “Thanks, Luddy. Somehow, that’s just what I needed to hear.” 

“Yeah, don’t mention it,” he said with a blush. 

You smiled and went to sit down on one of the beds that stood in the farthest corner of the tent.

“This day really ate away all of my energy. Don’t want to know how many kilometers I’ve walked…hardly could keep up with Uwe,” you said as you lay down.

“Yes, Uwe…,” Ludwig mused silently. “Ah, now that I think of it. You missed dinner. I was able to grab you something though. Here, catch.” Out of nowhere he threw an apple in your direction. It nearly hit you in the head. 

“Thanks,” you said. You hadn’t thought about food at all, but seeing the apple did make your stomach growl. You put an arm behind your arm and took a bit of the fruit. 

“Gott, even your posture has become that of a boy,” Ludwig said with a grin. 

“Don’t laugh. It’s the only time I can lie like this without it being unlady-like. Really, my mom would scold every time she saw me like this. ________, that is not very lady-like, is it?” You laughed at the memory, but soon stopped when you felt your heart ache at the thought of your mother. You were not going to see her again…not ever. The sudden realization made you want to cry, but you bit back the tears and tried to remain calm. You closed your eyes and after some deep breaths you regained your inner-peace. Ludwig hadn’t noticed anything – he seemed to think that you had fallen asleep and was now busying himself with some important looking letters and papers. You decided not to disturb him and closed your eyes again. It didn’t take long before sleep found you and took you with him, towards a place of peace and quiet. 

 

*small timeskip*

The next day you were woken up by Ludwig…or at least that’s what he tried to do. 

He shook you lightly, as if he regretted having to wake you up in the first place. “__________, are you awake? It’s half past eight. I have to go to a meeting.” 

You turned around, ignoring the shaking and muttering something along the line of ‘five more minutes’. 

You heard Ludwig sigh. “Well…I guess it doesn’t really matter whether you're awake or not. I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be gone for some time. If you go out, make sure you’re back around noon. I don’t want to have to worry about you.” 

“Uhu.” 

In your shallow dream you could see Ludwig shake his head. It looked so realistic that you weren’t sure whether you were dreaming it or whether you had somehow managed to crake open an eye to witness the scene. Oh well…didn’t matter that much, right? 

 

*very small timeskip*

When you woke up a few houses later, you felt more alive than you had felt in a long time. A bit of sleep had certainly helped you to regain some of the energy you had lost before. You stood up and stretched, then went to sit down again to put on your boots and eventually stood up once more. Ludwig had told you to be back when he returned – that much you remembered. You peeked outside and asked the first soldier that passed by: “Do you happen to know how late it is?” “Somewhere past eleven, I guess.” “I see, thanks!” you said, after which you ran in the opposite direction the man was walking in. There was still some time to walk around. 

You wondered what Uwe was doing right now. He should be around somewhere, you thought. 

And indeed, the man was sitting in the same spot as yesterday, greeting everyone who passed by.

“Ah, ____________, have you heard the news?” 

“What news?” you asked a bit weary. 

“The army is to be mobilized tomorrow. The Hannovers are coming our direction.” 

“The Hannovers?” 

“Austria’s allies,” Uwe clarified. 

“Ah, you mean the kingdom…sorry…not that big on politics…or geography…or anything that has to do with that in general,” you said with a sheepish laugh. 

Uwe sent you a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. It was that very moment you realized that something was off. 

“What do you plan on doing then? I bet the commander is going to be at his brother’s side. Where will that leave you?” 

“At the battlefield, of course,” you replied matter-of-factly. 

Uwe’s smile faded away and made place for a look filled with horror. 

“You’re not being serious.” 

“Of course I am. Remember the talk we had yesterday? About dying and stuff? Why talk about something like that when…”

“Yeah, but I didn’t actually think that you would fight. I mean…” 

“What do you mean? You didn’t understand what had gotten into him all of a sudden, but it scared the hell out of you. 

He stood up, grabbed your arm and dragged you towards a remote part of the camp. When he was sure no one else could hear the two of you, he spoke up. “Between you and me…you’re not a normal soldier, are you?” 

His eyes were serious, a dark shine covering their brightness. If you hadn’t panicked already, you certainly felt like doing it now. 

“I…what do you mean?” you asked, trying to stop your voice from shaking. 

“In order to be a soldier, you have to be a man. And you are not a man, right?” 

You stared at him, all the while listening to your inner voice that was screaming at you. How does he know that! What are we going to do, __________? He’s going to betray us! 

“How do you…” 

“When I met you yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking that something was off about you. And then, suddenly, it hit me. You look too much like my little sisters.” 

You frowned a bit, not understanding what he meant. 

“I’ve lived with girls all of my life. I recognize one when I see one.” 

“Okay, fine. You got me,” you said while raising your hands in defense. “I’m a girl. So what?”

Uwe’s eyes softened and filled with worry. “What are you doing here, ___________. This is no place for a girl.” 

That really made you angry. You walked up to him and poked him in the chest. “Don’t be such a sexist, Uwe. I have my reasons to be here and believe me, I can handle things just fine.” 

“Yeah, the commander mentioned something like that,” he said while scratching the back of his neck. 

“What? You talked to Ludwig? Without me knowing it? Do you know what you’ve done? I’m lucky that Ludwig knows about this, otherwise I would have been sent home, or worse…I could have been arrested! For God’s sake, Uwe! You would have ruined everything I’ve worked for.” 

“Well, at least you would not have been killed in some useless war. Sorry for thinking your life to be more important than whatever it is you are doing here!” 

“Gott, this is ridiculous,” you muttered, while pinching the bridge of your nose. 

“Is it?” Uwe said, his voice soft. “Is it ridiculous to worry about someone? I saw your face when we were talking about death…you looked really scared. Are you sure you want to risk your life? You don’t have to be here. You don’t have to do this.” His voice was pleading...begging you not to do it. 

You shook your head, clenching your fists. “You’re wrong. I do have to do this…for reasons that you wouldn’t understand. Please, do not ruin this for me. I have to. I....” You couldn’t take it anymore and ran. You ran back to your tent and threw yourself on your bed, your face in your arms. 

Why did everything have to be against you? Why couldn’t you do anything without it getting problematic? 

Your thoughts were blazing and you were so lost in the chaos they were creating, that you were totally unaware of Ludwig entering the tent. It was no surprise that you were startled when you felt a hand on your shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. You turned to look at him and saw that his eyes were filled with blue worry. 

“Yeah, I’m fine…more or less,” you replied softly.

“No, you’re not. Do you feel like telling me what’s wrong?”

“Uwe…why didn’t you tell me that you talked to him?” 

Ludwig sat down at the edge of the bed and said: “To avoid situations like this, I guess. Nothing special was said anyway.” 

“Except for the fact that that he managed to find out that I’m a girl, which is…I think…quite important.” You felt agitated at his lack of interest in the problem. 

“Yes, well, about that. I just told him not to put his nose in other people’s business. I think he got the message.” 

“I don’t think so…he seemed quite upset when I told him that I would be going to the battlefield.”

“Of course he’s upset,” Ludwig said while staring ahead of him. “Men don’t like it when women seek out danger, because they want them to be safe. I mean…it’s not as if I’m thrilled to let you go and kill yourself.” 

You raised your head, pushed yourself up and then hugged him.

“It’s sweet that you guys are worried, but I know what I’m doing…really…I do.” 

“So I told Uwe. Don’t turn my sayings into a lie, okay?” he said, his face a mix of seriousness and genuine worry. 

“I’ll try my best,” you said as you felt a tug at your heart. That was another lie. Just how many more lies would you have to tell him?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: This chapter contains a LEMON!

Part 19

That evening you had decided to go for a walk. The talk between you and Uwe was still fresh in your memory. Even though Ludwig had assured you that Uwe would keep his mouth shut, it still didn’t sit well with you. What if he did talk? That would mean your plan would be ruined. You couldn’t let that happen. Not after all the trouble you had to go through to get this far. 

You sat down on some crates and watched the sun sink behind some tents in the far distance; the sky was dyed in a dark red and orange colour. How fitting, you thought cynically, as your mind jumped to the upcoming battle. The fields of Langensalza would be died in a deep red colour, but there would be no beauty in it. There never was and never would be beauty in the horror that was called war. It only left death and destruction in its wake…a painting of horror, created by an age old desire within the hearts of mankind. 

You felt sad all of a sudden and decided to resume your walk, in the hope to get rid of the sorrow that overwhelmed you. You knew perfectly well where it stemmed from…the sadness. This was, after all, your last day on this earth. A part of you didn’t fully want to realize it; tried to deny and suppress the thought. It was too painful to admit; it would only lead to an emotional breakdown, that pool of misery you constantly threatened to drown in. You had to be strong now…you had to remain sane if you wanted to succeed. 

You had to die. There was no alternative ending to your story. 

You were so lost in your thoughts that, when you were about to turn around a corner, you suddenly bumped into someone. The collision was quite the hard one; you stumbled backwards, tripping over your own feet, and toppled over, hitting your head against the hard ground. Your eye-sight went blurry; black spots danced before your eyes and you could feel a terrible headache come up. Your head pounded painfully, but your eyesight returned quickly enough. You looked up to see who you had bumped into and were met with two all too familiar red eyes. 

Angry red eyes. 

It was the look in his eyes that told you he knew. He knew about your true identity. There was no way you could deny it now. 

“Well, this is quite a surprise,” he said; his voice full of barely controlled fury.

“Gilbert, I know this looks weird, but I can explain,” you said, as you put your hands up in defence. That was a lie of course. How were you ever going to explain your presence without betraying your real cause? 

“Oh, believe me, I’m looking forward to it.”

You tried to look as innocent as possible, but when you caught sight of the blond man standing beyond Gilbert, your face immediately contorted into a large scowl. “You little snitch!” You shot up, faster than an arrow could be shot from a bow, and launched yourself at Uwe, but without much success. Gilbert caught you before you were able to do any damage. It was a vice-like grip; he was careful enough not to hurt you, but he was hell-bent on keeping you in place. “Let go of me so that I can scratch his eyes out,” you growled, struggling to get free.

“Scratch his eyes out? I should give the man a medal, really.” 

“Don’t even think about that,” you said with a hiss in Uwe’s direction. He had betrayed your trust…he had went against your bidding, even though you had asked him – no begged him – not to tell on you. Gott, he had even gone against Ludwig and with that against authority! If there was anything he deserved, it was punishment for his betrayal. 

“Gott, dammit, Uwe! We told you not to…and yet you go and tell on me? What kind of a friend are you?” 

Uwe opened his mouth to say something, but Gilbert’s angry voice prevented him from doing so. “Now, isn’t that interesting? I suppose that with we, you mean you and my little brother?” 

Oh, no, what did you do? He hadn’t known about Ludwig’s involvement! 

“Uh, no. Just a slip of the tongue, really. That’s all,” you said, as you stopped your attempts to free yourself from his hold. 

Uwe awkwardly watched the scene between you and Gilbert; he was standing in the background, almost invisible in the shadows of the night. 

“You’re dismissed, soldier,” Gilbert said with a short glance in his direction. Uwe saluted, turned around and walked away, disappearing behind a row of tents soon afterwards. You felt more than just a little frustration when you watched him walk away…without any form of punishment enacted on him. He had betrayed you and yet he got away without undergoing anything of the sort.

“And you, you’re coming with me,” Gilbert said as he turned his flaming red eyes back to you. He let go off you, grabbed you by your lower arm and pulled you with him. 

“Gil, hey, let go off me” you protested once more, but without much success. It felt like talking to a wall. When you had reached his tent, he sat you down in a chair and started to pace back and forth in front of you. Watching him made you kind of nervous and you were aching to break the deafening silence that hung between the two of you. 

“You know…I’m getting the subtle feeling that you’re not really happy to see me,” you said as you slumped in the chair, trying to make yourself as little as possible. 

Gilbert stopped pacing around, moved until he was standing right in front of you and sent you a silent look. The dark shine was still omnipresent in his eyes. 

“What are you doing here,______________?” he asked, his voice low as he bent over, trapping you in the chair. You looked up at him. 

“I just wanted to see you.” The lie sounded quite convincing…perhaps because – if you thought about it- it wasn’t a lie at all. You had been dying to see him. You had missed him so hard that it hurt you to see him this angry with you. 

“As much as I’d like to believe that…you’re lying.” 

You noticed that his grip on the armrests strengthened; the wood cracked alarmingly under his hold. Gott, he really was angry with you. 

“Now, there has to be a reason for you to be here. I don’t know what that reason is, but my best guess is that you planned something…something stupid that will end up with you getting hurt. Why else would you go through the trouble of avoiding me and…dressing up like a man?” he said thoughtfully, as he reached out a hand to caress your head, moving his fingers through the short strands of hair you got left. You enjoyed the tender touch…forgot about the trouble you were in for a few seconds. What are you going to tell him,_________? The voice in the back of your mind whispered. A lie, perhaps? 

“I was just dying to see you, okay. And I wanted to do something…help you in one way or the other. No ulterior moves…just that.” 

Gilbert shot you a glare which meant as much as “I don’t believe a word of what you say.” 

“Gil, please, don’t be angry with me. I can’t stand the thought of that,” you pleaded softly as you looked down, fumbling with the hem of your shirt. 

“Do you get why I’m angry,_____________?” he asked, his voice still on the low side. 

“Because I shouldn’t be here?” you tried. 

He shook his head. 

“No, because I’m worried about you.” 

You looked up at him, a little surprised at that. “But I…”

“You seem to have lost all sense of self-preservation. Try to see this from my point of view. I’m sitting in my office and one of the soldiers suddenly appears, tells me there is a girl among the men, dressed like a soldier. You know that little nagging feeling when you don’t want something to be true but it turns out to be exactly like that? Well, here it is.” 

“Gil…”

“I’ll be quite honest with you, Liebling. As much as I love you, I don’t want you to be here. I don’t want to have to worry every second of the day whether you’re okay or not. I can’t.” 

That was kind of sweet, right? Or was it just you not understanding what he was saying?

“I just want you to be save,_____________. This is no place for you. People die here.” 

It is exactly my place, you thought gloomy. If only I could tell you. If only you would understand why I have to do this. 

“Really, what are you doing here? If Ludwig has anything to do with this…” 

“Ludwig didn’t do anything,” you were quick to defend the young boy. “I asked him to smuggle me in here. He just helped a friend…like the kind-hearted person he is.” 

“You know that doesn’t change anything about this whole situation, right?” he said with a sigh. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Because obviously, you would have never allowed me to come here.” 

“And with good reason,” he said, his voice hoarse now. “Someone has to think about your well-being…because to me, it looks as if you’re trying to get yourself killed.” 

You had to try your best not to say anything to that. You bit your tongue hard and looked him in the eye. “Gil, I just wanted to come with you. I knew you would never allow it and thus I decided to ask Ludwig. He said it would be better for me to dress up like a man so that I wouldn’t be recognized as a girl by the rest of the soldiers. Said it would stir up a commotion.” 

Nothing of what you said was true; the words- these lies- tasted like poison as they rolled of your tongue…poisoned with a true-sounding lie.

Just how much more of this were you to take? 

Gilbert looked at you; a hint of doubt in those red orbs. 

He sighed and then said: “Fine, I believe you. But I still don’t like you being here. Tomorrow, I’m sending you back to Berlin.” 

“Please, don’t. I can’t be on my own in Berlin. I’ll die of anxiety…of having to worry about you.” 

“I told you that there’s nothing to…”

“Don’t give me that,” you said, tears stinging behind your eyes. “You know damn well that I’ll worry any way. Knowing that doesn’t change anything about how I feel!” Perhaps you were being a little melodramatic now, but although most of your words were lies, the feelings that lay underneath them were not. They engulfed you and pulled you down. “I don’t want to go back.” 

You were crying now. You were crying like a hurt little child. Tears were flowing down your cheeks.  
Gilbert’s eyes softened a bit when he saw you like that. 

“Come here,” he said softly. He grabbed your arms and hauled you up, trapping you in a hug. You rested your head on his shoulder and waited for the tears to stop flowing. 

“How about a compromise?” you sniffed. “I’ll go to one of the neighbouring villages…and I’ll stay there till the battle is over…” That was another lie of course, but you had to get him of your back. If he was going to track your every step, you would never be able to get even near the battlefields. Gilbert remained silent for a few seconds…he seemed to consider the idea, which was a good sign. “Fine with me.”

“Great! That way I can come and see you after the battle. Feeling a little better already.” You did, but for different reasons. The idea that there would be no such thing as an after-battle reunion tore your heart to shreds.

Your grip on his shirt tightened involuntarily at the thought.

“You should get some sleep, Liebling,” he said as he let go off you. “I bet you got some long days behind you.” 

“Actually, I don’t feel all that tired,” you said, feeling rather bold. 

~ (warning: lemon ahead) ~ 

You grabbed his shirt and pulled him close to you. Tomorrow you would be dead. That little fact had become a certainty in your life…an unsurmountable thing that came closer and closer with every breath you took. But then again…since you were hundred percent sure you were going to die…didn’t that mean you had to enjoy your last day on earth to the fullest? What better way to enjoy it than by enjoying it with the one you loved so dearly? You remembered the passionate moments the two of you had shared in the past…you ached to be with Gilbert…your heart throbbed with painful desire for him. 

A stream of naughty images filled your head and you immediately felt your cheeks flush a bright red. 

“My, my, you’re as red as a tomato, Liebling. I wonder what it is you’ve been thinking of,” Gilbert said with a grin. “Do tell me.” 

He pressed his lips to you cheek, causing your skin to burn with a feverish heat. 

You swallowed, unsure of how to proceed. “Gil…I…really missed you. Not being with you…it…” 

“Hurt?” he said, as he moved to look you in the eye. “Yes, I know. I felt the same about you.”

Your heart skipped a beat at those words. You smiled at him, a fragile smile full of love. 

“I…ah…this is really awkward…I don’t know…,” your cheeks burned with unspoken thoughts. 

“Let me help you with that, Liebling,” Gilbert said, after which he bent down to kiss you. It was a soft tender kiss, like the two of you had shared multiple times before, but it soon became passionate…needy…turning into a dance of fierce love. You fisted his shirt, holding on for dear life and let him dominate the kiss. You became lightheaded, felt your blood run hot under your skin, pulsing with an age old desire. You broke the kiss to catch a breath, your chest heaving from the intensity. You moved to stand on your tiptoes, softly pressed your lips to his and whispered: “Prussia, I want you.” 

“Hmm, I love it when you say my name,” he said, his voice thick with lust. A hot passionate shine had taken over the red of his eyes.

“I know that,” you said, intertwining your hands with his, dragging him with you towards the bed that stood in the far corner of the tent. You pushed him down and straddled him, trying to keep the blush of your face when you did so.

It kind of surprised you Gilbert had allowed you to pin him down since he usually was the dominant one in whatever intimate action the two of you had had. You liked the idea of being in charge, but with it being your first time, you were a little too shy to actually do it that way. And besides…you had no idea how to go on. Gilbert looked at you…a hint of amusement in his red eyes.

“I bet you find this hilarious,” you said with a somewhat sour look in his direction. 

“Ah, I do. It’s adorable. I admire your boldness though,” he added with a smirk. He sat up, which caused you to slide into his lap. He placed a line of kisses on your cheek, moving down towards the tender skin of your neck. He sucked at a little sensitive spot right above your collarbone, which was enough to drive you out of your mind.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and ran your fingers through his soft hair; lightly tugging at some of the strands. You could feel Gilbert’s grip tighten on you when you did so. He made a sound that looked a lot like purring; a deep rumbling sound that vibrated through his chest. You chuckled a bit and then moved your hands under his shirt, tracing the line of his spine up to his neck and shoulders, feeling his muscles tense under your touch. You retreated your hands and started to unbutton his shirt, revealing the marble skin of his chest, marred with the faint lines of scars.

“Where did you get this one?” you asked while tracing one of the scars on his left side. 

“First Coalition War…got stabbed by France. Got him back for it in the end.” 

“That was…the Seventh Coalition War, right? Waterloo?” 

“Hmm, you know your history well.

“Because it’s your history…I might have been reading your diaries while you were gone.” 

“Why, that doesn’t surprise me at all.” 

“Dear diary, today I finally got back at France,” you quoted with a smirk, slowly kissing your way from his neck to his collarbone. “The bastard totally deserved it.” 

He laughed at your little recitation. You could feel it rumble in his chest, in perfect harmony with the strong heartbeat right underneath his skin. “All those centuries of life…all those people and nations…and yet you fall in love with an ordinary human girl. I still don’t get it.” 

“Means you’re one hell of a girl, Liebling,” he said softly.

“I’d start to believe so,” you said with a smile. 

Gilbert returned your smile with a gentle one of his own. You loved it when he smiled like that…you liked every single one of his smiles…even the sly ones. 

“Now, since you got to undress me, it’s only fair I get to do the same with you.” He whispered against your ear. You were going to say something to that, some kind of come back, but you just couldn’t come up with anything befitting the situation. The shyness had returned and had made your voice go silent. 

Gilbert gently pulled your shirt over your head and removed the bandages you had used to cover up your breasts. You felt horrified sitting there…partly naked. Gilbert must have noticed your discomfort for he kissed you, taking away all of your fear in a mere second. 

“You’re beautiful, dear. But I guess you already knew that.” 

“I know because you keep telling me that.” 

“True.” 

He moved his head back to the sensitive spot in your neck, sucking a bit before biting down. It wasn’t hard enough to actually hurt you, but it did send shivers down your spine. Gilbert must have felt it too, for you could feel his self-satisfied smirk against your hot skin. 

“Take off your pants,” he ordered. 

You silently obliged and then went back to straddling him. 

“I really like your legs…pity there’s no such thing as short dresses. Would have been magnificent on you,” he murmured while stroking your thigh, drawing little circles. You could only think of how good it felt, how you never wanted the feeling to stop. The whole of your body was hyperaware of his touch.

You felt bold and started planting little kisses from his neck to his collarbone, biting down right above the latter. Gilberts hands travelled down your sides and up to your rear, giving it a slight pinch. The sudden action surprised you and caused you to bite down harder than you had intended. You were shocked when the taste of blood filled your mouth. 

“Gott, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to!” 

“Relax, Schatz,” Gilbert said, stroking your head to calm you down. “I’m not made out of porcelain. And besides, I love rough play. You can bite me all you want.” He kissed you, dominating and full of passion.

You decided to make another bold move and grinded your hips, moving back and forth in rhythmic moves. You could feel him harden under your movements, which only urged you to become even more bold. You went on for a bit more, successfully driving Gilbert out of his mind. 

You freed his erection and went on with your moves, feeling the pressure through the tin fabric of your underpants. You were becoming really wet now; your heartbeat so fast it almost bounced out of your chest. Sick with lust you were…and there was only one way to cure you of it. 

“Prussia, take me,” you whispered into his ear. 

“With pleasure, Schatz.” 

He flipped you over, stripped you of your underpants and positioned himself in between your opened legs. 

“This might hurt a bit,” he said next to your ear. With one thrust he entered you, breaking your wall and causing a wave of pain to flood over your body. You gasped and grabbed hold of him, digging your nails in the skin of his back, drawing blood. For a second, you felt a little numb down there, but it was soon replaced with a new kind of sensation.

“The worst is over, Liebling.” 

You nodded. “Go on.” Your voice was hoarse. 

Gilbert started to move rhythmically, pounding into you. With every of his thrusts, you felt the pleasure rise in your body. You arched your back, grinding your hips against his, trying to take in even more of him. You let out a moan as he filled the whole of you, making you feel as if you were in heaven. 

“Ah, I love the noises you make,” he breathed against the skin of your neck. “Mind to give me more of those?” With those words, he sped up his movements, hitting deeper and deeper inside of you. 

“Argh, Gil. I…I…this feels so good,” you moaned seductively. “More. Give me more.” The tension rose in your body, making you twist in pleasure. Your skin was burning feverishly. 

To your surprise (and dismay), however, Gilbert suddenly slipped out of you.

“Don’t stop now,” you said, almost pleadingly, aching with desire. 

“Who said I was going to stop?” he replied, his breath tickling your ear. “I just want to ensure that you get the maximum out of this. And besides, there’s no fun in it being over so fast. Now, how about you take charge?” 

“Me?” You blushed a bit but did as he said. You positioned yourself on top of him, taking in his thick length once more, gasping a bit as you did. Gilbert’s hands moved to your hips and grasped hold of them firmly. You rested on your knees, which allowed you to take full control of the act. You moved up and down his cock, bouncing lightly as you did. You felt the need built up with every bounce you made, urging you to go faster. Your breasts moved in rhythm with your movements; little beads of sweat appeared on your body. Almost instinctively, you reached out a hand to your clit, rubbing it gently. As you did, a new sensation ran through you. Your body started to tremble uncontrollably; your tight wet pussy clenched around his cock, pulsing hard. 

This was something entirely new but you knew you were only a step away from your climax. And from the way Gilbert held onto your hips, you could tell he was not far off his climax either. 

“Aargh, I…I…can’t…” The shocks of pleasure that ran through you almost made it impossible for you to continue the bouncing. Gilbert sent you an amused grin as he saw you struggle. He put his strong arms around your trembling form and took over from you, delivering the final thrusts to push the two of you over the edge. You felt how he came and then came yourself. An intoxicating feeling took over your body and made your mind go hazy. You strengthened your grip on Gilbert, nestling your head in the crook of his neck as you tried to even out your breathing; the orgasm still pulsing throughout your body at full force. “That…was…amazing, Gil,” you panted. “I love you.” He chuckled lightly and affectionately caressed your head. “I love you too,________________.” 

A few minutes later, you found yourself trapped inside Gilbert’s arms; your head safely tucked under his chin. You knew you would have to bid him farewell soon, but for now, you enjoyed the warmth and the love he radiated. It engulfed you, pulling you into a deep and peaceful sleep…


End file.
